Radio interviews

Hello mummy's duckling! Mummy wishes she could grab you and hold you tight and kiss you on your head and everywhere. Mummy misses you but we are getting on with our life as well as we could. Mummy's looking after your baby sister and writing, doing talks on culture, motivation, grief and even going to teach Creative Writing soon. Mummy believes the year 2012 will be a good year. Most importantly we will publish our book. Isn't Mummy optimistic?! Och you know her, doesn't like giving up.

Eddy has been a good support and as you know he interviewed Mummy for his radio show. So Mummy managed to put some interviews on her blog thanks to your Daddy.

Your Daddy is away for work. Not long, only for a few days but your big brother was in tears. Since he went away every day we hear from him few times. (Your wee sister is crying...)

Back now. Yes, she is already 6 months now and recognises people and kind of hard leaving her with other people. Of course, Mummy loves that because she is happy with Mummy. Mummy and Daddy are trying to let her get used to people and also your Daddy thinks Mummy needs a break. Sometimes she is with a childminder or Jackie. Your baby sis looks so like you.

There were some clothes in the attic for babies from your brother and Jackie's children. Mummy remembers sorting them by age before you were born. These clothes are for 6-9 month old babies. Shame you never had the chance to wear them. The colour blue jumped infront of Mummy's eyes reminding me of you. Blue for boys and pink for girls... It would have been hard if your baby sister was a boy.

She is just lovely, she really is a good girl. Otherwise Mummy wouldn't have managed to do so much in general. Well, saying that your big sister is a great help and your Daddy and Mummy know what they are doing by now with babies I guess. She is a happy baby. Every time Mummy thinks all four of you Mummy feels the richest person in the world. Mummy's ducklings Mummy calls you all. Today we went shopping to get your wee sister a high chair, she started to eat proper food now. Mummy was calling your sisters and brother Mummy's ducklings... missing you inside. Love you baby boy. Billy Buuz Mummy's baby duckling. XXXXX

2 years on

Hallo Billy. Mummy's golden haired angel. Mummy has been thinking about writing here for a while. Ella is a good smiley girl, but she started weaning now and she is hungry at night and wakes up more than she used to. So that means Mummy is sleepy too. :-) But do you know Mummy is happy with that, she is fine, healthy nothing to worry about apart from general baby stuff. That is happiness. Mummy started givig talks to different groups and some of the topics involve about you. Mummy wonders if she should just let you go, but at the same time you were here for different reasons. If Mummy doesn't do these talks people might not know what Down's Syndrome is, or other mummies and daddies might feel lonely if they lost their babies too. So Mummy will carry on and do whatever people think or however difficult it is for Mummy.

Yesterday, Mummy spoke to a group of 17 year olds. They were teenagers, just like any teens. Mummy talked about Buddhism and how religion looks at suffering. On the way back, Mummy went to the cemetery lit candles and cleaned the gravestone. Then Mummy started crying, it was hard talking about you, but Mummy didn't show anyone any tears. But at the cemetery, this man with his toddler appeared, walking home. You would have been exactly like that girl. Mummy burst into tears, there is me picking up the dead flowers on your grave and this child toddling along...

Life is strange. Mummy appreciate yor brother and sisters, of course. But we will always miss you. Mummy's best baby boy. Billy buuz, silly Billy, tiny Billy, love you so much.

Mummy will be fine, she has to. She'll rise above it and will have a book in memory of her beautiful baby Billy. You keep watching and Mummy will see you when it's time. Every night the brightest star in the sky reminds me of you. My lovely boy. XXX

Happy 2nd Birthday, Billy!

You are my baby boy, my beautiful baby boy

Why was your visit so short?

Was it the water that

washed your golden hair?

Was it the wind

blew on your perfect face?

Why was your visit so short?

Was it the timing

you were born?

Was it the tantrums

you saw in life?

Why was your visit so short?

Did you have a mission

to complete?

Did you have a message

to deliver?

Why was your visit so short?

Do you know Mummy sang to you

holding your hand?

Do you know Daddy sat with you

holding your head?

Why was your visit so short?

Do you remember your sister

dressed you beautifully?

Do you recall your brother

guarded you bravely?

Why was your

visit so short?

Do you know you have

a baby sister now?

Do you know she

looks just like you?

Mummy’s beautiful baby boy

You will always be in our hearts forever

Mummy

If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again. -Author Unknown

On the radio

Hallo Billy. It was a wintery day today, but we had a good day. The schools are on holiday and your big sister and brother are off school. Ella is doing well, she is almost rolling over. She is at that cute stage, smiling all the time and getting chubbier every day.

Last Friday, Mummy was on 3TFM radio talking about you and read her poem Mongol. There was a little girl about 7 called Emma. Emma has Down's syndrome and she was really lovely. She got her photo taken with Mummy, leaning against Mummy putting her head against Mummy's head. Mummy missed you. You could have, should have been here with us. And there were people from Sainsbury's store supporting Down's Syndrome Scotland. One of them is called Billy. Mummy liked him, because he is Billy, like my baby boy. Mummy misses you so much. Eddy the radio presenter asked if Mummy was ok to talk about you before Mummy spoke on air. Mummy is ok, more than ok. Mummy is fuelled with energy and determination to do things in memeory of her little baby boy. So Mummy read her poem and felt stronger for doing it and wanted to support others who are in the same situation. Mummy knows why Eddy asked that because in one of the previous interview Mummy paused. The reason was Mummy always finds it hard to say how many children Mummy has. Of course you will always be Mummy's baby and Mummy will say that. Sometimes, people ask more showing an interest and ask how old you all are. Then Mummy gets a bit puzzled because Mummy thinks you are 3 months old all the time. But you would have been 2 this November. Mummy is a bit anxious about your birthday approaching. Another month, then that's it.
We all went to a friends' boy's birthday party last weekend. It was his 2nd birthday. He was so cute, running round, playing, talking... As he blew the two candles on his cake Mummy thought of you, this sudden rush of tears filled Mummy, but they stayed in. Mummy can control herself to certain extent now. So it's good.

It's almost midnight now. Mummy seems to write about this time most days. This writing bug caught her to write and talk about you and many other life's important things. So baby Billy, bye for now. We are all well. Love you, love you, love you. Night my baby. XXXXX

Busy bee

or Twitter shall I say? Well well Billy. You don't believe how Mummy is addicted to Twitter. Your Daddy is feeling a bit left out. He does support Mummy a lot. Mummy is lucky. Your sister turned 13 last week and we had 5 of her friends came for a sleepover. They had fun. It's so good to see your sister has many friends. Your big brother is well, he is enjoying school. Although he loves playing on the new PC we have now. Not only him, Mummy is on it quite a bit too. Saying that your baby sister is still young and nappies, naps, bibs and bottles ... seem to be Mummy's day-to-day things. Mummy loves having her just like having all of you, really. She is the smiliest of all. I'm sure you are watching us and see her smiling all the time. Mummy still feels you sent her to us. Mummy is going to put a photo of your sister here. Now Mummy is ready to show who she is and do things more openly. That's why Mummy has a website now. Your Daddy helped to put it together and Mummy is going to put more light-hearted things on it. See, you changed Mummy. Losing you made Mummy braver and she wants to make the most of what we have now.

People won't understand it that easily, unless they experienced similar loss. We had a lovely birthday cake on your sister's birthday and put yours in front of your photo. It's nice to do that, but it's so so so sad. Mummy so wishes you were here. My red-headed angel boy. We miss you so much. We, including your 6-year-old brother go silent for a few minutes swallowing our tears and pull ourselves together. Mummy wrote few lines to raise awareness about Down syndrome and the term 'Mongol.' People casually throw it in their daily conversation. How ignorant.

Mongol

You can call me Mongol
Because I am.
But please don’t call someone with Down’s Syndrome ‘Mongol’ or ‘Mongo.’
You will hurt not only me but many

‘Billy’ we called our little boy when he was born
‘Buuz’ I named him when he came home
My baby was a Mongol not because he had Down’s Syndrome
But because his mummy is Mongolian

You can call me Mongol
Because I am.
But please don’t call someone with Down’s Syndrome ‘Mongol’ or ‘Mongo.’
You will hurt not only me but many

Comedy and sarcasm

Mummy was looking forward to her Writing club start this autumn. We meet every Wednesday in Prestwick. Sometimes we have speakers come in and give talks on different genres and how to write etc. So ths year we started having a nice lady from the BBC and talked about comedy monologues. Mummy had fun trying to write or shall we say it is a comedy scenario trying to do things while looking after your sister sometimes. So mummy's comedy monologue ended up changing many times and still not fully formed yet. The lady from the BBC will come again in October and then we can see if any of our monologues can be on the radio.

Mummy is trying to put her web/blog up and running. Well, it is up but just needs a few changes to personalise it. So mummy does it while your baby sister is napping or in the evenings. Mummy jokes with people it's called JK Rowling-ing. It would be nice if we get lucky like JK Rowling though, don't you think?! It's all down to hard work as well as networking. Mummy is going to a Writers' conference this weekend, hoping to meet some people who might help us.

Mummy is still toying with different titles for the book. Your dad doesn't read any of the book. It's too painful for him to read about you and he thinks it's mummy's story.

Yesterday in my writing group someone commented on the bit 'Mongol spots.' She thought it reminded her of Down syndrome. Mummy said 'Yes, my boy had Down syndrome.' Mummy was a bit annoyed. So poor Twitter and Stephen Fry got mummy's upset tweets. Why Stephen Fry? Well, he has a lot of followers and mummy hoped he would retweet it. Mummy had enough of people referring to people with Down's syndrome as Mongol(s). Celebrities are just people, no different about them. It just happens to be that mostly their jobs are in the entertainment or media.

Ok, mummy needs to get your big bro for lunch. He likes coming home for lunch. Speak soon, baby boy Billy buuz. Love you baby. XXXXXXX

Time flies

Hallo, Billy buuz. Mummy was thinking about you and wasn't managing to write much lately. Your baby sister is a good girl, but new babies need a lot of attention. We are all enjoying her. She looks like you. A lot. Only she wears pink, well most of the time. She wears some of your clothes. It's funny here children have colours. Blue for boys and pink for girls. She wears your suit(hold on, she is crying..) Now, I'm back. Yes, she wears your white baby suit with blue stripes. People get confused, because she wears a pink hat. :-) In Mongolia, they don't have colours specifically for boys or girls. Well, they didn't when I lived there.

Mummy has been trying to build a web blog for her book(s), talks, interviews etc. So it's very exciting. Your Daddy helped to start it and now it's down to Mummy to make it up and running. Your baby sister and I are trying hard at it with ...erm .. let's say between nappies, feeds, and well, we won't go there almost put rude words here. Your big brother and big sister are doing well. In fact your big brother's friend had told her mum that 'He is the smartest boy in the class.' Well, how proud do you think Mummy was? :-) Your brother is a good boy, started going to Beavers. Beavers is good for him, learning social skills among other skills. Mummy and Daddy think it's important to be happy rather than too clever and unhappy.

Your wee sister is asleep now. Mummy'll try to make a cup of tea. Your Daddy and big sister are great, doing things when they are home.
Mummy was talking to a lady who lost her baby before the little girl was born. It's so sad, the tears were ready to come out yet she appears a very strong person.

Ok, baby boy. More good things to come, Mummy will publish a book in memory of you. My red headed angel. Mummy loves you so much. XXXXXXXX

Big brother Billy

Sain uu, minii huu? Hallo hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy has been very busy with your baby sister's arrival. She is a good baby, just like you. She wakes up for her feeds and sleeps at night. She smiles a lot, especially when she wakes up in the morning and when your Daddy talks to her. Your big brother and your big sister are just so happy looking after Ella. She looks like you, well all of you really. Sometimes the expressions on her face reminds us of you a lot. It's a nice feeling. Your Daddy has been going to the cemetery almost every day and Mummy has been going the other days, but fewer than before. Mummy can look at your photos and your Teddy now. Before Mummy couldn't really look at them properly, used to look very quickly. It was hard. Sometimes it feels like a dream, a strange dream, a nightmare what happened with you, your birth and death. Mummy wouldnt want it to happen to anyone. It's such a scary thing, losing your baby, your child. At night, Mummy looks out the window while feeding your sister. When it's clear, it's possible to see the North Star in the dark blue sky. Mummy thinks of you and says Hello to that bright shiny star. It makes Mummy happy, feeling your presence.

Ella has been wearing some of your clothes. It's lovely. Mummy was so upset after you died and didnt know what to do with many of your things. Ella is using your pram and car seat. It's a nice feeling.

Mummy paused her writing a bit, but now hoping to get on with it. Once the schools start Mummy will write when your sister sleeps during the day. Ok, baby boy big bro :-) night night. We love you. Oh, your auntie Yeye came and went back to Mongolia. She put lovely ornaments at your grave. Three bears representing your brother and sisters together with you and a big bear cuddling a little one representing Yeye cuddling you. So you see you are surrounded by bears, love and candles. Night night, baby boy. Love you, love you, love you. XXXXXXXX

Your baby sister is here!

Hallo Billy Buuz

Can you believe it?! The day I posted the last blog I went into labour properly and your little sister was born the next day at 9.16am! Congratulations, big brother Billy! We have been to the cemetery too. Your daddy has been going there every day. It's so nice to see your brother and sister happy too. But we all know there is someone is missing. That's you, but we know you are here with us. You sent her to us. Sophie, Jackie's daughter who is only 6 made Jackie and Mummy cry by saying 'Uuganaa's tummy was so sad when Billy died and it made another baby.' Yes, Mummy's tummy was so sad and is still sad missing you. The sun shines, but doesn't shine the same any more.

Your baby sister's Mongolian name is Solongo, means rainbow. Your Mongolian granny and papa were so proud because Solongo was born on a special day in Mongolian calendar. The day she was born was celebrated with a big festival worshipping a big mountain called Otgontenger. The mountain name is translated as the youngest sky. The moment your granny and papa went up to see the peak of this snowy top of the mountain a rainbow appeared and the cloud moved away and the mountain showed its top. So your granny and papa think Solongo was born to be someone special.

I think you sent her, well Mummy just find some comfort in that thought. Ella's got a mark on her neck which I remember you having to have an IV line through your neck vein. May be, may be... Mummy wonders, thinks and hopes, and looks for signs ...

Oh another good news is the short story called Fairytale Hero which is about you is published in a book now. In the Scottish Family Legends book. Mummy and Daddy went to the book launch and Family Legends celebration on 8th June and went straight to hospital to have your baby sister. Mummy was in labour during the celebration. What a night. Mummy is happy though that the story is in the book. That was Mummy's one dream to have a story about you in a book as every book published in Britain has to have a copy. Now that copy has a story about you. So you see you are a legend, our Family Legend! My baby boy, love you loads and more, Mummy's ginger haired, blue bottomed baby boy. XXXXXXX

Back and forth to hospital

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy was going to tell you some news and write here, but instead I'll update you what has been happening. Well, mummy and daddy have been to hospital a few times because your baby sister is due any time now. Mummy thought she would come naturally and waited for the signals. It has been ok and then now it's kind of stopped. So every time we go to hospital we are told to go home as Mummy is not in labour! I'll write later again. bye just now, your brother and sister stayed at a friends' house. They are just back, so have to clean faces and send them to school. Love you baby boy. We light candles and we miss you too. XXXXXX

Birthdays

Hallo Billy Buuz

Mummy hasn't written here for a bit, but we have been thinking of you and visiting the cemetery and lighting candles. Last 2 weeks, we had birthdays. Daddy's big 0 birthday was celebrated with friends and family at home. It was a nice occasion and we both visited the cemetery on the day before the party. Many children came too, they had their face painted and had balloon modelling, it was good fun. Your brother and sister helped preparing the party, too.

Then this week it was Mummy's birthday. Mummy was spoilt rotten with attention. Breakfast in bed, lunch with your Daddy and then your sister ran a bath with candles and she cooked, then Mummy went to her hypnobirthing class. This class is making a big difference in Mummy's head, making Mummy feel and think positive.

Saying that, Mummy feels the sun is never going to shine the same again. There is always you in Mummy's mind, missing you terribly. But you know I feel you all around. On Mummy's birthday, Mummy was just passing by a bakery and there was a cake decorated 'Happy Birthday, Billy'. I know it must have been done as a sample, but it looked like a message from you. Mummy was moved and emotional to see that. What a coincidence on Mummy's birthday! So you see, you are everywhere.

You are going to be a big brother soon, not sure when, but the next few weeks. We don't have a name for the baby yet. We'll see what she looks like.

I can hear your brother and sister playing in the other room. They are on holiday for a few days. So it's nice to have them home. They are big enough to let Mummy have a nap too :-).

Mummy remembers you having a bath. You were so calm and gazing at the lights and contented. You were a good boy. Mummy looks at children around your age and wonders how you would have looked at that age. They are 1 now and walking and trying to talk.

Ok, Billy Buuz, Mummy and Daddy's baby boy bye for now. We all love you very much. XXXXXXXXXXXX

Summer is here...

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy hasn't written here for a while. We are still going to the cemetery and lighting a candle for you every day. We miss and talk about you every day, too. Last week Mummy was in tears when we saw a week old baby girl with her parents and her brother at the school while picking up your brother. That little girl's brother is the same age as your brother and she had a sister who died and was buried in the same row as you. So Mummy was happy for that family to have a new baby, at the same time thought it would have been nice to have the other girl with them too. Very similar to our situation I guess. So mummy was hiding her face at the playground trying not to make any eye contacts as Mummy's tears raced down. If anyone looked and was about to ask if I was Ok, Mummy was replying: 'Sorry, I'm being silly. It's happy tears.'

Lately the weather has been fantastic and we are spending a lot of time outside in the garden. Mummy and Daddy bought a chiminea which you can kindle a fire in it. So last night, all four of us had our dinner and then your brother and sister warmed some marshmallows on sticks and enjoyed it.

Mummy's getting used to be asked now: Is it your first? - looking at Mummy's big bump. I'd say 'No, it's my fourth.' Then people start to ask how old you are and things. It depends on the person or the moment how Mummy answers them. Mummy's proud to talk about you. Mummy's baby boy. Mummy often thinks about your hands and feet. Then Mummy touches your Teddy's hands and feet. Your Teddy is above Mummy and daddy's bed, wearing your top and your name brace from the hospital.

Summer time is here and it's a shame you never had the chance to see what summer is like. Mummy's not going to go on now about you could have done and should have done. There are millions of things we didn't and couldn't do any more. But we will cherish what we had and remember the memories of you being with us.

Love you Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXXXXXX

Mother's day

Hallo, Billy Buuz. Today is Mothers' day. We remember finding out that we were expecting you on Mother's day in 2009. The best present ever Mummy and Daddy thought. Today, it was a nice day. Your brother and sister made a lovely card and as always included your name when they signed it for Mummy. So thank you Billy Buuz. They also gave me a nail polish, air freshner and a big box of chocolates! And more: breakfast in bed and they were lovely. Daddy was away spending time with his friends this weekend and hope he had a great time. It's good to have some time away sometimes. I think it makes us think what we have and appreciate it, hopefully. Mummy spent a night in Edinburgh too and missed you all badly. Your sister was laughing at me saying: Mum, you were away only for a day! Mummy rushed to the cemetery too, almost burst into tears coming home on the train, missed you. Mummy remembers being a bit annoyed with you once and it makes me feel better knowing that I had a time to tell you off too. You experienced your Mummy's mood too. So you know what your brother and sister have to face if they do something Mummy doesn't like. So you can all talk behind Mummy's back and laugh at Mummy. After all that would make Mummy happy, to see you ganging up together, thats what brothers and sisters do. Other people won't know. Your brother was talking to Jackie and Jackie said you will be a big brother. He replied: again. See you see, you are here. While Daddy was away your brother and sister wanted to sleep beside Mummy. So it was 4,5 of us including you! Mummy's lovely babies. I love you all dearly. Night Billy. XXX

Fairytale hero

Mummy wrote this for the Scottish Book Trust Family Legends project. Mummy was doing some volunteering work for them.

Our baby Billy with his Celtic red hair and Mongolian blue spots is our family legend. He was a symbol of many nice things. He was the symbol of Mummy and Daddy's love, Scot and Mongol ethnicities, Western and Eastern cultures, Christianity and Buddhism representing the modern Scotland, modern world. He was only three months old and he hasn't shown anyone his first smiles or looked me in the eye properly he left us behind. Yet he is our family legend and he will be a legend in many people's minds.

Expecting him to be born and carrying all the dreams and hopes, I bore him just like any baby. From the moment he was born life seemed unfair. The heart breaking, shocking and devastating news came one after another and tested our strength to the limit.
I'm writing about Billy, announcing to the world how proud I am to be Billy's mummy and he was born to me, to be my son. He was taken away from us because of a tiny extra chromosome. It was a syndrome, it was Down's syndrome. This tiny chromosome destroyed so much physically and emotionally. But it did not destroy the love of a mother or a father. He was our baby Billy, a baby brother and he will be a big brother and uncle Billy.

Our baby with golden chest and silver bottom just like the fairytale heroes in Mongolian tales.

Billy big brother

Mummy hasn't written here for a while. It's because there were times Mummy felt too low to write here and now Mummy is ok to do so. It was the first anniversary knocked Mummy harder. It was like reliving the moments of losing you, preparing your funeral and saying goodbye to you. Mummy didn't feel that down since you passed away, but Mummy was in tears and poor Jackie took Mummy out for coffee two days in a row. Mummy felt much better the third day and was motivated again to write and keep going. Mummy is keeping busy these days, going to Writers' club, attending Business Women's meeting/dinner, working in Oxfam book shop, volunteering to do public speak for Yorkhill and Scottish Book Trust project called Family Legends. Mummy hopes these would help others in many ways and us too. Mummy is still writing, saying that it has been a while actually. The laptop is great if it's like now, late at night, but during the day it's so slow and your brother even gets annoyed with it. Mummy will get a nice new laptop one day and it would be nice to work on it.

Your sister and brother are doing ok at school. Your daddy is working hard as usual, and mummy is too. But Mummy's work is ongoing at home and Mummy is getting used to ignoring housework that can wait. Your granny used to say 'It can wait. It'll still be here when we are gone.' It's true. There is more to life than a dirty floor.

I'm sure you know there is something we all know is happening. we can't talk about it just now, but you know what it is. We'll write here when it's time. Hopefully, it would be a nice thing for you too.

Billy buuz, night night babes. It's getting late, Mummy'll sleep now. Love you, the candle lit for you in the living room is still on. Burhan orshoog minii huug. God bless you, baby boy. Love you dearly. XXXXXXXX

Extract from Mummy's book - Chapter 9 - Mummy is reliving this moment...

...The consultant quickly took out the ventilator and left the three of us alone in the room. Billy started to cry, gasping for breath and then he stopped breathing. Within thirty seconds Billy had gone. He had left us. He had left us forever. Richard and I held Billy’s body, holding onto each other, our loud sobbing cry filled the room. For a while, I don’t know how long we cried and sobbed covered with our tears of grief. Life wasn’t fair. Billy was our baby. He was supposed to outlive us. We should have cut his hair for him to go to school, not for a keepsake. We were supposed to play with him, read stories, hold his hand and walk along the streets, throw him in the air and give hundreds and millions of kisses. I carried him for nine months dreaming of many things, but not to say goodbye and hold him like this, dead in my arms. We couldn’t even see his first smiles. We looked at Billy. Billy looked calm and pain free...

A year after your death...

We remember organising your funeral this time last year. Mummy was lost emotionally, didn't know what to do. Mummy was in tears: I had enough of living on second hand things! And started sobbing. Jackie and your dad didn't know what to do. Poor things were grieving too. Then Jackie took me to TK Maxx and I bought very expensive cutlery and a food processor. Anything to help feel bit better, I guess.

Mummy is feeling emotional today. Seeing children in their prams, the sun is out, but Mummy miss you so much. Daddy put a big candle at the cemetery and Karen, Caroline, Jackie put nice flowers. We had a few people sent nice cards and little notes, too. We got a sky lantern too from your dad's friend!

Love you, Billy. Eej ni huudee hairtai shuu. Xxxxxxx

The brightest star in the sky

Mummy was busy all day today, painting the gate and the drain pipe and clearing out things. Mummy also tidied your sister's room with her. Your sister has done her own writing and drawings for you. Mummy didn't say anything about them, it was hurtful to see and read them. She even had made a beautiful Christmas card for you with real chocolate coins. She never showed any of us those things, it must be her way of dealing with things. Mummy is glad she is expressing herself that way, getting her feelings out.

It is a beautiful night tonight with clear sky and the moon is shining. Mummy thought of you shining bright in the sky, always with us. Mummy feels you everywhere. Mummy is not alone, with my babies.

The Mongolian New Year celebration went well. We had many friends around and had lots and lots of food. Your daddy put your food on his favourite china plates with Peter Rabbit. Normally we keep them in the display unit, but your Daddy put them out for you that day. So he was putting food there for you.

We are still going to the cemetery every day and lighting a candle for you. Your sister had made another nice flower arrangement and placed in the hand ornament. Auntie Susan and uncle Ian put a nice pot of flowers which are now blossoming. They put a lovely card for you, too. The flowers has a couple of elephant toys beside them and they have mirror decorations. They look pretty.

Mummy is keeping busy doing lots of things. Sometimes keeping myself busy is easier and helps. Mummy doesn't want to give in life, if it tests us we want to stand up to it, not give in. Mummy's little red headed boy, love you loads and you keep watching us and we'll keep you in our hearts. You are not dead, you are very much alive in spirit and your presence. Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXX

Tsagaan Sar - Mongolian New Year

Hallo Billy Buuz
Mummy is very emotional today just like the weather. It's windy, cold and wet. In Mongolia, our relatives are celebrating today with lots of food and drinks and visiting each other. Mummy hasn't missed this celebration since leaving Mongolia. But today, Mummy filled up because Mummy used to dream of taking her babies and show what it's like there and you are not here to do that. Mummy put a big candle on your grave and our garden. The wind kept blowing them off, but I managed to put them in shelter. Your brother and sister, and Daddy all doing fine, but we miss you. We'll have some friends around on Saturday to celebrate the new year. Mummy will make an effort to make people enjoy our company. It's almost a year since you died. February 24th. It was like Siberia here with lots of snow. I don't know what people say about 'Time helps.' It doesn't seem to help for me, anyway. Mummy's emotions are still raw. Mummy's writing the book and getting there slowly but surely. We will get there. Billy buuz, baby boy, big boy. You would have been walking by now, smiling by now, calling Mummy and Daddy and running towards us... Love you Billy, Mummy's best baby boy. XXXXXX

25 January, a year on...

It was a year ago, the hell door opened. We couldn't vesit your granny in a nursing home on her birthday. You were admitted to hospital for observation while your sister was in hospital getting her skin graft done. It was the day you got your medicine overdosed and went from bad to worse.

A year later today, you and your granny both in heaven and we miss you both dearly. Your daddy is away for work. In a way, it's better that way, so he is distracted and don't feel too upset. Mummy is not saying he wouldn't be, I'm sure he is. Hopefully different scene and different place make it little bit easier.
Mummy went to the cemetery first thing in the morning and put a little ladybird candle for you. Also your sister had made a beautiful flower arrangement, so I put that in the hand ornament that Lauraine and the nursery gave to you on your birthday. Mummy lit a candle in the garden for Granny. It was very windy but it worked the first time. Mummy prayed that it would work if she was watching us and it did. Happy birthday to Granny! and you look out for each other. Love you both loads. XXXX

Broken heart...

Hallo Billy Buuz. How's my baby? Mummy is going through a phase these couple of days. Miss you so so so much. I can see your red hair sticking up, your hands straightened because you were trying so hard feeding and sweating because you were trying too hard to have some milk. You loved your dummy, your little monkey would hold your dummy not letting it come off. You didn't like your medicine, pushing out with your tongue and making a disgusted face. Your eyes lit up when your Mongolian granny spoke well almost singing to you in Mongolian and your lips moved forward as if you wanted to talk to your granny.

Mummy's little red headed angel. We love you and we miss you. Mummy's tears racing down Mummy's face. Now, Mummy'll stop, it's not good for you to see Mummy cry and we don't want other people worry about us, do we. Bye for now, Billy Buuz. Losing you left a big hole inside Mummy, it will never be the same again. Nothing will be enough to fill it, but Mummy'll make sure you live on in people's minds, you will be a legend, clever boy. XXXXXX

New Year's day

Happy New Year, Billy Buuz! Wherever you are my little red headed angel, hope you have smiles and laughter. Mummy and daddy talk about you and think about you every day. Mummy remembered just after you died it was very hard. Everything reminded me of you, stopping at the traffic lights and observing mums pushing prams with their babies in them, picking up your brother from school and seeing ginger haired children running around; walking in the streets and seeing people with Downs or in a wheelchair. Mummy called the Downs Syndrome association and wanted to get involved. It's still hard to be dealing with people with Downs just now, still early days, but Mummy thought Mummy can make a difference and tell people what it's like to be a parent having a baby with a disability and how it needs to be dealt with.

So we'll see. This new year, Mummy's goal is to get an agent for the book and find someone to publish it. So there wer are Billy, Mummy's doing this then we can move on. This book is for you and your brother and sister and for others. See Billy, you made Mummy this brave and determined. Mummy will do it and you will be there with me all the way. My fairytale hero, tiny baby, clever boy.... Love you. I wish I could kiss you once again ..... XXXXX

Christmas Day

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy didn't write here for a while because your brother and sister were on holiday and home. Mummy cries when writing here and didn't want them to worry.

Yes, Chistmas was quiet and the four of us spent the day home and had Christmas lunch. Your seat was between Mummy and Daddy and you had your plates and all 4 courses of the meal. We put big candles for you on your grave and they lit all day and night for a few days. We still go to the cemetery every day. Though Mummy feels you here with me sometimes and don't go if that feels alright. Mummy hasn't written much recently either, the book is half way now, but Mummy'll carry on and finish the first draft. It will need editing and so on, but it's good to have a copy to work on than a blank paper.

Mummy did cry on Christmas morning missing you, hope nobody noticed because Mummy had a shower afterwards.

Last year, on Christmas day you were sleeping when your brother and sister opened their presents and then we opened yours when you woke up. We have a photo of you and me, Mummy holding you proudly and squeezing your face against mine. Mummy can be rough when Mummy shows her love to you all. Your brother and sister love that, because they know that's how Mummy shows her affection.

Billy Buuz, baby boy.Ok, Mummy'll continue later. Love you loads and loads. Our little star. XXXXX