Thursday 4 August 2011

Big brother Billy

Sain uu, minii huu? Hallo hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy has been very busy with your baby sister's arrival. She is a good baby, just like you. She wakes up for her feeds and sleeps at night. She smiles a lot, especially when she wakes up in the morning and when your Daddy talks to her. Your big brother and your big sister are just so happy looking after Ella. She looks like you, well all of you really. Sometimes the expressions on her face reminds us of you a lot. It's a nice feeling. Your Daddy has been going to the cemetery almost every day and Mummy has been going the other days, but fewer than before. Mummy can look at your photos and your Teddy now. Before Mummy couldn't really look at them properly, used to look very quickly. It was hard. Sometimes it feels like a dream, a strange dream, a nightmare what happened with you, your birth and death. Mummy wouldnt want it to happen to anyone. It's such a scary thing, losing your baby, your child. At night, Mummy looks out the window while feeding your sister. When it's clear, it's possible to see the North Star in the dark blue sky. Mummy thinks of you and says Hello to that bright shiny star. It makes Mummy happy, feeling your presence.

Ella has been wearing some of your clothes. It's lovely. Mummy was so upset after you died and didnt know what to do with many of your things. Ella is using your pram and car seat. It's a nice feeling.

Mummy paused her writing a bit, but now hoping to get on with it. Once the schools start Mummy will write when your sister sleeps during the day. Ok, baby boy big bro :-) night night. We love you. Oh, your auntie Yeye came and went back to Mongolia. She put lovely ornaments at your grave. Three bears representing your brother and sisters together with you and a big bear cuddling a little one representing Yeye cuddling you. So you see you are surrounded by bears, love and candles. Night night, baby boy. Love you, love you, love you. XXXXXXXX

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