Trying to get on with life ...

Mummy was feeling uneasy today, didn't have much motivation to do things, but at the end of the day it was not too bad. It's nice to see friends and Mummy just talks about you a lot, I'm sure people hear me saying the same things again and again. Mummy is kind of fed up with people saying: You are having such a hard time, it must be difficult for you. Of course it is difficult, but we don't need anyone highlighting how bad our life is. At the same time, when people say 'We are very happy' about themselves, Mummy is glad they are doing well and happy, but wonder if they couldn't grade their language a bit especially when they know that we are not that happy at the moment. Mummy is ranting a bit here today, but this is for that isn't it? Mummy saw your Scottish Granny's friend today, made me miss your Granny. She passed away exactly a month after you. She was a great person, so accepting and open minded. Mummy was lucky to have her as a mother in law, couldn't have wished for a better mother in law. We couldn't tell her about your Downs syndrome or that you passed away, because she was so poorly herself. We didn't want to upset or worry her. We are trying to do things as normal, but we always remember and miss you. You are everywhere, it's nice but sad. Mummy saw a couple who have a baby around the same age as you last week. The father recognised me and probably noticed me first looking at the baby desparately. Mummy tries to visualise you how you would have looked at that age. You would have been 5 months old, we should have seen your smiles at least. We couldn't even see your first smiles, it was nice to see you showing some smiles when you were asleep. Your smile would light up your face and you looked adorable, but the smiles were so short and Mummy used to hope that you would do that again and watching you sleep. Mummy is so grateful that we have so many photos, good mobile phone - I took lots of photos and videos of you. It's nice to go through again and see them. Mummy's helping your brother's nursery to do a fundraising Teddy Bear hunt. Sounds good doesn't it. It's in memory of you and the money will go to Yorkhill this time. So we'll see how we get on. Time to go to bed now, night night my baby. Mummy used to worry you would be cold after we came home from the cemetery, but now I think you are not cold, you are in a safe place, warm and calm. That's where you are. Sleep tight.X

Missing you badly

It's been a week since the last blog message. Mummy will write weekly here. We all miss you a lot and mummy can't leave your name out when signing any cards for people's birthdays and so on. Hope people don't mind. I remember when you were in hospital in the Intensive Care,your sister was braver than me she used to take your babysuit to bed with her. Mummy couldn't, it was just too hard. Mummy couldn't do it because I wanted to hug you, hold you, cuddle you, kiss you and you were still here, I wanted you not your clothes. But now, that's all I have. I look for your smell in your clothes, unfortunately there is not so many of them, because you didn't wear much clothes for the last month. Instead you were attached to machines and needles, keeping you alive and asleep. Mummy couldn't see you crying because it was hard for mummy not being able to hold you close to me and kiss you and comfort you and the bed was too high for mummy to get good kisses on your cheeks. Mummy did everything that I could do, sang Mongolian lullabies, stroking your hand whichever had a little space to hold and not connected to a needle. Mummy gave you good manucures, too :-). The nurses in the hospitals were very jealous of your perfect nails. Mummy and Daddy got four blocks of your hair from your head, you were born with a head full of strawberry blonde hair. Your Daddy could not get over the colour of your hair. It was funny in a nice way, because you were the only one with red hair amongst the five of us. We soon enough found out that your great uncle Billy had the same hair when he was younger. So you have not only the same name but also the same coloured hair, too. Mummy's going to do everything possible to help people now, so I will be taking part in a few projects and fundraising events for charities including Yorkhill hospital, Down's syndrome association and Down's Heart group. Nothing will bring you back, that is the hardest thing to accept, nothing is enough to see my baby just one more time. Mummy needs to go now and pick up your big brother from nursery. He is a good big boy and you are a good baby boy. X

49th day

I can't believe it's already 7 weeks since you passed away. It's been sunny lately and mummy thought about you a lot. Mummy dreamt of taking you out for a walk in your nice red pram, taking you to the beach and let you try ice cream. 14th April, Wednesday- we got up as normal and your daddy went to work. I could tell he was down and very vulnerable emotionally. He went to work because, what else can we do?! Your brother and sister are on holiday this week. It's the Easter holiday break. They took easter egg and a bunny for you, to your grave. Yesterday on 49th day, we took beautiful flowers and candles for you. The solar lamp is great, it comes on when it's dark and the light looks like candle light, nice and warm colour like flame. We put so many things for you and decided to keep some of the things in your keepsake box. You have 2 nice lanterns, the solar lamp, ceramic teddy,another teddy that James painted for you and it's holding a heart with a writing on it. The writing says: 'We love you, Billy. XXXXX.' He held that Teddy himself on the train and in the car till he put it on your grave. Also your brother and sister put some shells, pebbles and your sister made a ger for you too. You wouldn't know what ger is. It's a Mongolian house, made of felt and wood. Mummy grew up in one of those. They are very cosy and comfortable. After taking flowers for you mummy gave some money to the ice cream kiosk at the beach, so that they can give away ice cream for children. We stayed there for a short time and already people were very happy with their 'free' ice cream, they turned to us and waved saying 'Thank you'. The girl at the kiosk was telling people it was to remember you. Also there was a mini bus full of people. When the people started come off the bus, I noticed some of them had Down's Syndrome. Mummy needs to be careful now. She finds herself staring at them, trying to picture how you would have looked and to say 'Hello' to them sometimes. I guess people don't know why I'm staring at them and might find it weird and tell me to mind my own business. Mummy has a lot to write here, I'll continue later. We are going to your grave now and light some candles.

For my beautiful baby boy Billy Buuz.

17 March 2010

Three weeks ago we buried you my baby. You were only three months old. I can not believe how short time we had you yet it felt a very long time. Perhaps it was very painful for you and for us. Mummy feels comfort in believing that you are now in a pure place where there is no pain and suffering. Oh baby, mummy had such a wonderful but so challenging time when you were here. From the moment you were born, life seemed not fair and it was not real. How can it happen to anyone, not only us but anyone, I didn’t wish this to anybody. Yes, the question of ‘Why us?’ was there but I didn’t want it to anyone. I wanted to find the God and beat him up, push him against a wall and ask ‘How can you do this?! What did I do? What did we do? What did my little boy do? It wasn’t his fault.’ Perhaps, God doesn’t exist; otherwise everyone will be looking for him. I’m begging God to look after you now, I put money in your little Mongolian wallet, so you will be fine in any country you go, assuming you can change the pence anywhere in the world and in Mongolia that money should be enough to take you to your auntie Tseye’s. I put our photo beside you, me breastfeeding you. So you will know who your mummy is. Of course, the photo of all of us is there too. You had a beautiful red hair, people wouldn’t know you were a mixed race child. Your Celtic genes were showing in your fair skin. Mummy was very pleased to see your Mongolian blue spots on your bottom I would call you my boy with golden chest and silver bottom just like the fairy tales in Mongolia. Yes, you were a fairy tale hero.