Trying to get on with life ...

Mummy was feeling uneasy today, didn't have much motivation to do things, but at the end of the day it was not too bad. It's nice to see friends and Mummy just talks about you a lot, I'm sure people hear me saying the same things again and again. Mummy is kind of fed up with people saying: You are having such a hard time, it must be difficult for you. Of course it is difficult, but we don't need anyone highlighting how bad our life is. At the same time, when people say 'We are very happy' about themselves, Mummy is glad they are doing well and happy, but wonder if they couldn't grade their language a bit especially when they know that we are not that happy at the moment. Mummy is ranting a bit here today, but this is for that isn't it? Mummy saw your Scottish Granny's friend today, made me miss your Granny. She passed away exactly a month after you. She was a great person, so accepting and open minded. Mummy was lucky to have her as a mother in law, couldn't have wished for a better mother in law. We couldn't tell her about your Downs syndrome or that you passed away, because she was so poorly herself. We didn't want to upset or worry her. We are trying to do things as normal, but we always remember and miss you. You are everywhere, it's nice but sad. Mummy saw a couple who have a baby around the same age as you last week. The father recognised me and probably noticed me first looking at the baby desparately. Mummy tries to visualise you how you would have looked at that age. You would have been 5 months old, we should have seen your smiles at least. We couldn't even see your first smiles, it was nice to see you showing some smiles when you were asleep. Your smile would light up your face and you looked adorable, but the smiles were so short and Mummy used to hope that you would do that again and watching you sleep. Mummy is so grateful that we have so many photos, good mobile phone - I took lots of photos and videos of you. It's nice to go through again and see them. Mummy's helping your brother's nursery to do a fundraising Teddy Bear hunt. Sounds good doesn't it. It's in memory of you and the money will go to Yorkhill this time. So we'll see how we get on. Time to go to bed now, night night my baby. Mummy used to worry you would be cold after we came home from the cemetery, but now I think you are not cold, you are in a safe place, warm and calm. That's where you are. Sleep tight.X