Friday 7 May 2010

Feels as if it's a dream...

People say to us 'You've been through the mill'. Yes, that is actually exactly how it felt like and now we are exhausted emotionally, shocked that you are gone and have to accept you are not coming back. You are not coming back. Mummy experienced the tears cutting my cheeks when you died, I felt this stinging feeling in my cheeks and really deeply understood how it happens and why it happens. Mummy knew now that these expressions exist because other people went through similar experience. Mummy feels very old after you've gone, it seems life is so short and you have to make the most of it. Life is a strange thing. Mummy used to beleive in karma, but now I can't tell you I do any more. All mummy did or does is wish people good and to be happy, I can't think of anything to deserve to get my baby taken away from me. Carrying you for months and picturing you playing at the beach putting sand in your eyes or rescuing your ice cream from midges, picking up the leftover food from the carpet and of course winding your brother and sister up, too. Your sister said ' Mum, you can't do what you were going to do now. You wanted three children in each stage of their lives, one in secondary, one in primary and one at toddler's'. Then she cried, perhaps mummy shouldn't have talked about you like that, because mummy can't take you to toddlers' group now. We will have to get on with what we have now and thinking of the future with you but in a different way. People ask 'how many children have you got?'. Mummy is finding it very difficult to answer, but mummy says 'three' which is true. It feels like strumming a vulnerable string inside me every time when someone asks a question which I'm not prepared for. Mummy is happy to talk about you, all day and night and more. It's just the unpreparedness makes it difficult sometimes. I'm so glad that Mummy's got this blog here, I can just write and write and write without having to worry about offending people, putting pressure on them to feel sorry for us, or fix anything. It is just mummy being mummy and decided to talk about it instead of hiding my feelings and pretend that I'm doing well or not doing well. This is your mummy and you changed mummy for the better and stronger person, mummy is so grateful that you were born to be my baby because you gave me the biggest present in life - to embrace life and enjoy it. Love you, your snuffly mummy X

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