Monday 17 May 2010

Daddy's birthday

I know your Daddy doesn't like it when Mummy refers to him as Daddy. I'm sure he would be ok today though. Today's Daddy's birthday and we had a nice lunch out while your brother and sister were at school. We went to bed quite late last night and Mummy went out to get the washing in and saw only one star in the cloudy sky. Mummy started to cry because I thought it was you looking at Mummy and kept Mummy's company in the dark. One of Mummy's friends call you 'My wee star'. So just like everything else I saw you in that star. Mummy held a baby last week for the first time after you passed away. That girl is about the same age as you and Mummy couldn't control my tears and had to give her back. Last time, it was you and Mummy and Daddy held you untill you got cold and more after you died. You died three o'clock in the afternoon and we held you in turns till half six. Mummy cleaned your face and body with the nurse who was very nice. Having so many things attached to you made your skin all sticky and you looked so perfect when you didn't have anything on your face and body. Mummy wrapped you in the nice blanket that I bought before you were born and immediately held you against my chest and had a sobbing cry. Mummy didn't expect to hold you dead like that, it shouldn't have happened, you are supposed to outlive your Mummy and Daddy, but not this way. Mummy remembers going into the funeral directors the next day and said 'I'm here to arrange my baby's funeral' and burst into crying. Your Daddy was just behind me coming in after parking the car. Today, Mummy felt sad that you couldn't celebrate Daddy's birthday, but you are here with us all the time. Your sister signed the card from the three of you including you. So, you see, you are here but not physically. Your brother's nursery is doing the bear hunt on Wednesday. We got some nice things for the kids. So that they can have fun and we can raise some money for Yorkhill. Hope this will help with other families to be happier together and make their life even tiny bit easier. We are so grateful to everyone who were and are there for us and you. Some people say you might not want people around you etc, but Mummy does. The thing is these people were there for us when we needed them, why should I not want them now. I know people might want to give me some space etc, but I am a strong enough person to say 'no' if I don't feel like it. Anyway, Mummy'll go and do some work now, will go and light a candle at your grave on the way home. X

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