Saturday 15 May 2010

Mummy's secret...

Mummy is doing ok and coping well according to people. Sure, Mummy is not showing her tears or getting too upset in front of people. Mummy has this blog to get everything out of my chest, and cry while writing. So it is helping Mummy to be stronger for your Daddy, brother and sister. Mummy tries to look good, so that it helps how Mummy feels inside. You wouldn't have wanted Mummy crying all the time, you would have been happy if your Mummy looked nice just like your brother and sister. Your sister said once when she was little 'You are beautiful, Mummy. You have nice white teeth and no wrinkles'. :-)
It made Mummy laugh, I don't know if she can say that now though. Now Mummy's got wrinkles, deep ones since you died. Mummy's grateful in a strange way that you were born through section. I have the scar and it makes me feel you left your mark on Mummy and it's nice. When I miss you I touch it, it was your entrance to the world, to the strange big world. You didn't stay long, yet had a very hard time. Perhaps, some people would never experience what you and us all went through. I hope fewer people do. I wouldn't want it to anyone, but life is life we never know what's around the corner.
Mummy and Daddy keep your things in our room, your pram, clothes, toys and bath. Your Daddy said we will keep them for years. Some people think Mummy and Daddy can still have another baby. Some people think another baby would replace you. Well, nobody will ever replace you, you are our Billy and you have your own place and space in our hearts and souls. It was very hard for Mummy and Daddy to keep you alive for our sake just before you died, it was not fair to you. You had two feeding tubes in one side of your nose and a ventilator on the other. You had a catheter and a draining tube coming out of your tummy. You were only tiny and yet had so much to put up with. You were a very brave boy and I'm sorry that we lost you and we miss you badly. Oh, Mummy just heard a little birdie outside. Perhaps, you sent a message not to cry. Your brother's footsteps on the stairs coming up. So Mummy will pretend Mummy's just blowing her nose. Your brother has been a good boy and your sister has been a good big sister as usual. So Mummy'll go and spend some time with them now. Mummy's Buuz, you are. I called you 'buuz' which means a dumpling in Mongolian. Mummy made some for your funeral with your Papa. People liked them. Of course, Mummy put one in your coffin and your sister made one with clay and put it in there too. Love you, Buuz. X

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