Sunday 9 May 2010

Up and down

Mummy couldn't sleep well last night. I wish I could see you in my dreams. I saw you only once in my dream and you were about to walk and couldn't see mummy because mummy was just behind you. Then mummy woke up before seeing your face, your eyes. I wished I didn't wake up then, wanted to see you just one more time. When you were born, you were daignosed with Down's syndrome and it was a big shock to all of us. It didn't mean we didn't love you, we were not prepared for that news, that's all. It was hard and mummy felt like defending you and protecting you from people. I know they were just themselves didn't know what to do or say. Mummy still preferred to have cards saying 'Congratulations' or 'New Baby' because some people sent cards with messages saying how sorry they were to hear the news. I know they were being nice, but you were a new baby first and foremost. Mummy felt like taking you somewhere that nobody can treat you differently and promised to myself that I would do everything I could do and didn't matter what I had to go through. I remember one or two people said 'Perhaps people weren't notice Billy has Down's syndrome because of your background'. What an earth made them think like that? Is it because the term 'Mongoliod' supposed to be related to Mongolian nationality?! I don't think so, I am prepared to put up with a lot, but not an insult. Not all my kids look like as if they have Downs. Mummy took all sort of things from people when you were in hospital. In Yorkhill, this sister said mummy's name wasn't Scottish enough. Do you know what? Mummy did not care, but it made mummy angry when she overdosed your medicine by mistake. Sure, everyone makes a mistake, but not like this one. She was a two faced person, she was so nice to mummy when there were others around, but she was not when it was just her, me and you. Mummy thought as long as you were ok, it didn't matter how I was treated. The next day, you ended up in the intensive care. What a coincidence, eh?! Mummy will see how things are. At the end of the day, mummy will go miles and miles for her babies doesn't matter how they look and where they are, alive or dead. You are mummy's baby and mummy will do what I think is right. Just now, Mummy's too upset, so I'll continue later. Love you. X

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