Thursday 26 August 2010

Your brother and sister...

Mummy and daddy are little bit worried about your brother and sister. Mummy can tell that they miss you and it's very fresh in their mind how you you were and what you were like. You brother has been talking about you with his friend at school and the other boy said 'God, he died?!'. They are only 5 years old and having a conversation like that. Mummy is glad that your brother can talk about you, but it can be very hard to see his little eyes watering yet he tries to roll them disguising his feelings and shaking his head as if he is trying to be cool about it. He brought a heart shaped stone from the cemetery and said 'So that we remember Billy'. Of course we will know who you are, we will never forget you. Perhaps, your big brother is worried that we might forget about you and that's his way of remembering you, having something tangible. He put the stone beside your picture on the mantelpiece. Your sister is struggling. She can not sleep properly, worried about things. I don't think she had time to deal with her own burn shock and your death. Like your big brother her eyes start to water when she talks about you and then when it's about to turn into tears she quickly goes out of the room saying, she is going to have a shower or something else, another excuse to leave the room. Mummy feels like giving them hugs and kisses and I do sometimes, but most of the time they don't want me to feel upset. It's hard. Mummy will think and talk to your Daddy and we will look after them, we will do something or some things to help them. Your sister draws beautifully, she is excellent at art and craft. I call her 'my arty ...arty' and she laughs at me. She was surprised yesterday that someone at school said she was pretty. Mummy said 'Of course you are'. Then she said 'Of course, you would think so because you are my mum'. True. Mummy is proud of you three. Mummy spoke to the teaching assistant at your brother's school this morning. She said 'He is a lovely boy. Very polite'. Mummy felt good and made sure told your Daddy on the phone. Yes, at 5 being polite is good. It's already end of August. You died 6 months ago. 6 months on, Mummy did so many things to distract myself, not to give in to dark hole and be depressed because Mummy has your brother, sister and Daddy to think about. Your poor Daddy, didn't even have time to grieve for his mum. Mummy dreamt about your Scottish granny last night. I can't remember exactly, but she was trying not to be burden for anybody and Mummy was insisting to help. Mummy's going to write about a lot of things in the book, Mummy's childhood stuff. Ok, I'll go and do some housework. Love you, Billy Buuz. XXXX

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