Wednesday 4 August 2010

Fox superstition...

Mummy bought a wooden toy fox yesterday for you three when we were out at a local park. I forgot that in Mongolia, they put a model of a fox for a new baby. I think we were too busy worried about other things when you were born. Mummy put the fox beside the main door inside the house. So the fox would help my three babies. Mummy also got a little cotton bag with a teddy on it. When we got home, Mummy put your hair in it. Mummy wanted something special to put your hair, something Mummy felt right to keep your hair in it. Mummy went and saw a newborn baby today. Your brother and sister came with me. The baby is half Mongolian and half Scottish. Well, her daddy is a New Zealander with Scottish parents, I think. Seeing the baby girl made me miss you and think about you. Mummy's not too bad now, can hold babies and talk about you. Although your brother and sister might feel more sensitive about talking about you to other people. Mummy was watching one of the videos of you when you were in hospital. You were so lively and liked looking around, used to listen to loud noise and turn your head towards light. Mummy didn't realise that those moments would never happen again when you died. Mummy didn't realise once we buried you, that was it. I could never see you again. Ever. People say things happen for a reason. How about you dying? Was it for a reason? Was this world too harsh for you, my baby? Some people's attitude towards disability, the ignorance of understanding natural causes might have shocked and disappointed you. Today, the little baby girl's mum was very grateful for the mongolian food Mummy brought for her and the support. She texted saying God bless you. Mummy felt, it's too late to rescue my boy. Ok, Mummy'll stop before start crying. Mummy loves you very much, everywhere I go you are with me. Mummy's little baby boy. Night. XXXXXXXXXX

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous10.8.10

    I’m so in awe of your search for meaning, and I know you’ll find it; through your beautiful writing. These honest, loving, true words express your pristine soul. I never met beautiful Billy but I just know he was alike his mummy: Brave and wise; loving and good. He must have felt so content and loved, always. Love, Heather. X