Thursday 29 July 2010

Mummy's little man...

Mummy wonders how you would have looked. Around now you would have been 8,9 months. Today we saw a baby who is a month older than you. He was crawling, playing, smiling and eating normal food. With you, Billy, Mummy and Daddy didn't have the fortune to do that, didn't have all that fun, tickling you and making you smile and giggle, didn't have the chance to read a story before you going to bed, didn't even have a chance to put you in a proper cot. You used to be in your pram top, basket looking top, because you were tiny and then you had to be admitted in hospital, Mummy didn't even have any opportunity to put your mongolian boots and hat. We went to Ediburgh for a couple of days, but I missed you. Mummy wanted something nice for you, but didn't know what. Mummy felt really emotional coming home in the car. Soon we'll get the headstone for your grave. Mummy and Daddy chose one a few days ago, Mummy stopped herself crying at the stonemason's. We were very quiet in the car, probably going through similar thoughts, missing you, wishing you were here with us. Mummy tries to be optimistic and motivated, but sometimes I feel I'm trying to keep busy and painting this picture of myself coping ok over my true emotions. Now, Mummy's tears are rolling down my cheeks and it's good in a way that I can let it go and it doesn't come out in other ways, like anger or feeling down and affecting others around me. Mummy's little star, bright little button, toughest little baby boy you are. Mummy wishes there was something, anything that I could do to bring you back. I love you and I'm sorry Mummy's crying, blocked up and missing you. Mummy'll go and light a candle for you little boy. Wherever you are, that's Mummy's good boy. Love you, baby. Billy Buuz. Night night. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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