Message from you...

Mummy saw a psychic today. It is not something I did before. Mummy wanted to see if it works. Mummy was in tears. The lady was telling me things about you and things you said. Mummy is happy that it felt real. I'm sure there are people out there think it might be mad. Mummy does not care. Mummy found comfort in those nice things the lady said.So you agree with Mummy and what we are doing. Mummy's got you on board now. :-) That's nice. We talk about you all the time. Your dad would say: 'Billy had blue eyes'. I think 'They were brown' and then we would look at your photos. Mummy started working in a charity book shop to get some research done for my book and to help in the community. There were children's books, lots of them. Mummy saw a book with a title included Billy in it. Mummy thought we didn't even have a chance to read a bed time story for you. Mummy could't teach you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or Maamuu Naash ir. You are everywhere. Mummy is getting used to remembering you without getting too upset. Yesterday, when the post arrived Mummy saw some catalogues selling children's party things and 1st birthday presents. You would have been 1 year old in November. Mummy had signed up for these catalogues expecting everything to be normal. Instead, Mummy tore the magazines and put them in the bin. It hurts me that Mummy couldn't hold you and take you in your pram to meet your brother at school. Mummy sees other people with their babies and think that this would have been us. Yes, Down's syndrome, but who cares. You were my baby boy. Mummy loved you whatever you had. Mummy's ginger boy, you were too good for here. Night night, sleep well. It was nice to 'talk' to you today. Love you. XXXX

Come to my dream...

Mummy has been very busy lately, writing the book I told you about. So although I didn't write here last week, I was writing about you, Billy buuz. Mummy is finding a great comfort in writing and motivated to do this book. It's Mummy's Master's and PhD. This would be so much more worth than any degree. Mummy will have a written history for you all, my babies. It will be there written down about us, Mummy's childhood in a rural place in Mongolia, hauling water from spring, dragging sheep in both hands, milking cows at moonlight and dreaming of chewing gum. You see, you made Mummy very brave and Mummy decided to do things to make a difference for others. Although, Mummy is still finding it hard to talk about you. I do want to and I do talk about you all the time. Mummy burst into tears the other day when I started talking about different projects in hospital, trying to encourage people to donate more. The projects they were talking about were all related to you and your sister's stay in hospital. So Mummy felt emotional and felt as if we lost you yesterday. I didn't think we will get over you ever, but only can find a way to handle our feelings. Mummy still expect other babies around your age to be about 3 months all the time. I forget that they are getting older. You will always be 3 months old in Mummy's head. Mummy hopes that you are pain free now. Mummy loves you dearly. You are Mummy's good baby boy, come and visit Mummy in my dream. Miss you and love you, Billy buuz. Mummy's fairytale hero with golden chest and silver bottom. XXXX

Sunset ...continues

Mummy was going to the cemetery just around the sun was setting a few times. I didn't notice it until I got there. The sun shines through clouds, making the ray beautiful and reaching your grave and Mummy. It's such a great feeling. Mummy feels connected with you, you are saying hello to Mummy. Mummy's friends give flowers for us to put on your grave. It's so nice. Jackie, Susan and Jackie. Mummy has two friends called Jackie and your daddy calls Mummy's mobile 'jackie machine'. It's good to have friends here, because you see Mummy used to miss her family and friends in Mongolia all the time. I'm not saying I don't now, but having friends help to settle in a new country. Mummy was in Mongolia two years ago. Mummy hasn't seen her sister for two years. Mummy misses her so so so much. She is Mummy's sister who Mummy would do anything in the world. Mummy used to look after her when she was little. Yeye - your sister and brother call her. Mummy's got a 'brother' too, but he is actually Mummy's cousin. He was brought up by your granny and granpa. He is a good brother. He has his own brothers and a sister. Now he is grown up and he seems closer to his own siblings. I guess he was separated from them because they had to. Poor things, lost their parents. Mummy has a lot of cousins in Mongolia, lost the number now, it was over 30 last time when I counted. Big family in Mongolia, but a tiny one here. Mummy is so glad that this blog and you can 'listen' to me. Mummy does not have to feel judged or bad about things. Mummy couldn't say 'I miss my family in Mongolia' before because people would think I couldn't settle here and make a living. So Mummy hid that feeling shoved it to the back of my head. Mummy is upset just now, but Mummy will go on and make sure this book is done. Mummy loves you dearly and it seems this is Mummy's therapy and a focus to deal with your death. So that I can move on with my life. Love you Billy Buuz. Night night. XXXXXXXXXXX

Sunset ...

We still go to the cemetery every day. Mummy feels something is missing if we don't go. Although it is getting better because Mummy thinks you are everywhere. In the rays of sunshine, rain drops and soft light breeze. Mummy is getting carried away with writing a book in memory of you. It doesn't matter how long it takes and whoever believes in Mummy to do it. Mummy thinks this is the way Mummy's dealing with losing you and by writing a book I can make you live forever. In words, in minds and in hearts of not only us but also people who might find comfort in reading it if they are going through rough times, people who work with these vulnerable people and children who need help, support and hope. This would help them to understand what goes on people's heads when things are tough and make it easier to know why people behave in certain ways. Mummy has to continue later, your brother is not well, bye for now. Love you, Billy Buuz. XXXXX