Friday, 2 July 2010
Light at the end of the tunnel?
Today, Mummy is feeling not bad, but whenever Mummy talk about you or remember you or miss you the feeling is always there, never gets less hurtful. Mummy remembers Daddy talking about someone asking him if things are better now and if we see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I think your daddy and I both agree that time doesn't make you less dead or the fact that you were our baby boy. It's still the same. we can not just forget that and 'get on with our life'. Some people seem to think it is for the better because you would have had so much problems and difficulties. Well, Mummy was very angry and said that it did not matter at the end of the day you were our baby and you are not here any more. Mummy did not want anyone ever say that again about your disability and the way you were. Mummy had a sobbing cry today at your grave. I know and remember the poem that you are not there, you are in the morning rush, you are in the sun rays. Mummy held the little ornament of a blue eyed boy with red hair and cried missing you, kissing the ornament and thinking the time we had with you was just not enough. Mummy feels like digging the ground and bring you out from there and give you million kisses and cuddles. Of course, Mummy can't do that, shouldn't do that. Even I did that you weren't be there, you will be somewhere else. Mummy had a comforting thought that Mummy will see you when it's my time. I wonder what's after death, it would be nice if there was a life that we could meet again. Mummy and daddy couldn't beleive what we were hearing when we were told that you had Down's syndrome. Mummy was angry with the doctor who said there were signs of Down's syndrome, Mummy even almost hated her for bringing that news. Mummy now understand she was just doing her job, she was nice when Mummy got to know her little bit. It wasn't her fault, Mummy hurt badly and did not want to accept that news. Your sister wrote a poem for Mummy and your Daddy brought your brother and sister's photo for me in the hospital. Mummy got such a big strength from the photo and the poem. The matron of the ward said 'You changed just one day, totally different person you became'. Well, yes Mummy got in touch with this nice lady who had a 5 year old boy with Downs and she texted me saying that she remembered promising to herself to pass a day without crying. That text message was very powerful. Mummy got up and showered and held her head high, put my make up on and did my hair and went to see you in High Dependency Unit. Mummy expressed milk to give you through the tube, Mummy wanted to give you everything, everything Mummy could offer. Mummy got out of hospital after 5 days and went back and forth to the hospital to see you with Daddy, your granny and papa in turns. Mummy couldn't drive because of the ceasarian section wound. Jackie was there, too. She gave Mummy lift back and forth. One day Mummy took a bus which was empty almost, one other passenger. Mummy had bottles of expressed milk in her hands and waiting for the bus in cold windy rain. It was a cold winter with a lot of snow, tough all around the world. There were times, Mummy felt 'special'. One of Mummy's friends said 'I heard Billy had Down's and thought he was a lucky boy to have a Mummy like you, you are strong and resourceful'. Well, it wasn't enough, was it. Mummy remembers that in hospital just after you were born, this woman came into the room and asked if she could show me how to breastfeed. Mummy was so annoyed and said 'No, I don't want it, I don't even know if my baby is going to survive'. Poor woman left quickly feeling bad for asking the question. It was so scary and not knowing what to do, what to expect and who to turn to. All the nurses and doctors and cleaners were really nice in the maternity hospital. It's a beautiful world, but how can it be so harsh?! Love you Billy Buuz, Billy Billy Buuz. XXXXX