Thursday, 25 November 2010

Buuzanhuu - Billy Buuz

Mummy's been avoiding any writing recently, around your birthday. It was hard to bring myself and write about you. I know I do it more than others, but Mummy went through a strange phase, vulnerable. Today, Mummy is feeling not bad, in fact feel good that I've written half a chapter. So it was a good productive day. The newspaper article has been read by many people and now many people know about you. That's what Mummy wanted to do. It will be just a start. Mummy is going to write this book and it is done for you all, my babies. Mummy would be happy to look back. You would all know who your Mummy was and who Billy was and should not forget how life can be and help others if they are going through rough times. Nobody chooses to be disabled, nobody chooses to be unloved. Then again, sometimes you have to love yourself to get love back I guess. Many people will have different opinions, some might support us and some might not. Some people might feel that what Mummy is doing is extreme in dealing with your death. But Mummy will be happy to answer that. People need to picture themselves in our shoes. How would you feel if your own baby is gone? You will never ever going to see him or her again? You will never ever going to kiss them goodnight or hold their hands. Now... think again. Hopefully, many will understand and support us, Billy Buuz. Mummy'll take everything thrown at us, that's fine if it's what it takes just to raise awareness and help others to open themselves and feel Ok about talking about their hurt and pain. Ok, Billy Mummy'll go and pick up your smart pants brother from school. Love you, Love you, Billy. XXXXX

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Your Birthday

Hallo baby boy. I know it looks anf feels like I'm pretending that you are not dead. But you are Mummy's baby boy and who can say it's right or wrong. Mummy was in tears and was very upset on Saturday the day before your birthday. On your birthday though - Mummy was fine. We made a milk chocolate cake. You brother wanted to make it as it had the word milk in it. He remembered you liked milk.:-) He also talked about you at school when it was the news time in his class. He said: It was my baby brother's birthday and we made a cake, put flowers and candles at the cemetery. You sister made beautiful flower arrangement in the shape of your name BILLY. She chose the flowers herself and decorated the oasis all evening. We had a candle on your cake and your brother and sister blew it out for you in front of your photo. It was a moving moment. We managed to hold our tears. I could see your sister's eyes were filling up, but she was brave. Your brother can't handle Mummy's tears, no wonder poor thing. He was asking me: What are you doing? What are you on? when I was writing on your blog with my tears running down nonstop. He gets teary himself, so Mummy stopped and comforted him and decided to do it while they are not home. They are both at school now. You daddy is working. He bought beautiful candles on your birthday and lit them at your grave. It was a calm day without any wind. The candles stayed lit all day and night. It was a clear day and night. We put your bunting outside our house to remember you and lit candles in the garden too. We went out for lunch celebrating your birthday. It was heavy emotionally, but we loved you and celebrated your birth and remembered our nice memories. The time flies, one year already. Mummy remembers you being born; and you are not here now. Mummy will make you live in people's mind and help others. Mummy's clever boy. Love you loads. XXXXXX

Saturday, 13 November 2010


Happy Birthday, my Billy Billy Buuz! You would have been 1 this year.

Mummy cleaned your gravestone instead of your face
Mummy put a candle on your grave instead of a birthday cake
Mummy hugged your Teddy and wept into my pillow instead of
Mummy cuddling you and throwing you in the air with million kisses

Mummy wished you were here with me and us
Mummy washed her face after sobbing and missing you
Mummy wanted to hold you and rock you to sleep
Mummy wailed on your grave on my knees calling your name