Your bib...

Mummy used one of her bags that not used for a while. Then in the small pocket, I found your tiny bib. The bib says 'Mummy loves me' and with a little giraffe on it. That hit Mummy very hard emotionally. We must have taken that bag with us when we went somewhere with you, propbably to a hospital or a GP. We only went out once with you for lunch during the time you were home. Most of the time it was this GP, that specialist, this hospital or the other big hospital. It was nice to take you out and about before you were admitted to hospital to get a feeding tube. After the feeding tube was put, things went more and more difficult. You needed oxygen, tiny little bit of oxygen that you couldn't come home, you had to stay in hospital. While you were in hospital you got a cough which turned into a chest infection. Mummy and Daddy couldn't bring you home when you were ready to go home because your big sister was in a different hospital getting a skin graft done. We had to ask the hospital to keep you one more night and then we took you home the next day on our way back from the other hospital where your sister was. We picked up your brother who was with Mummy's best, the best friend Jackie. She has been a rock all along, we called her in the middle of the night, we dropped your brother or your sister or both of them off at theirs any time didn't matter what time of the day. She was always there for us. Of course, we couldn't have done it without Jackie's husband's support either. They were there every time. We can't thank them enough. Doesn't matter how many times say the words 'Thank you', it's not enough to express how we feel. Your brother seems to think a lot of things. Mummy emptied your Granny's and found some of your Daddy's toys when he was little. A few cars in a little bag. So Mummy gave it to your brother and he took them out and then put them back. After that he said: Mummy, do you think you might have a different baby when I'm 10 or something?' Mummy said 'Pardon?', trying to clarify exactly what he is meaning. He said 'You know, from your tummy, will you have a different baby when I'm 10 or something'. Mummy said 'Not sure, we'll see'. Mummy and Daddy is scared now to even talk about a baby, may be some time later, after a few years, even just to talk about babies in general. Mummy is probably offending some of her friends who had babies, not going and seeing the babies or sending presents. Mummy found it difficult to even look at baby things, Mummy looks away quickly in shops if baby things are there as if they are there to remind you. Ok, Mummy'll go and get ready. Today is your sister's last day at Primary school, will go to the church and see her with your brother. It was his last day at nursery yesterday, he can't wait to go to school. Mummy's glad he had a very good teacher in nursery who helped a lot, making sure he was ready to go to school, giving him a positive experience and taste of what nursery is. Will go and light a candle at your grave as usual. Love you loads, Billy Buuz. XXXXX

Angry, empty and sad...

Mummy used to feel you around with everything, but yesterday I felt I couldn't feel you anywhere, you were gone and I felt empty. Mummy was putting the washing out and then started lying down on the bench, gradually my tears came out and dripping on the bench. It was sunny and Saturday, we all had a nice time home. Mummy went to empty and clean your Granny's house and missed her too. Mummy is doing it for her not other people. She would have wanted her house nice and tidy even after she is gone. Mummy and Daddy didn't want other strangers going through her things although it would have probably been easier to have people around and get everything done. Mummy went to the cemetery in the evening even though your Daddy and brother had been there already in the morning. Mummy watered the flowers, cleared up the dead flowers and stayed there for a while. Mummy used to worry about having any plants or flowers after you died. I didn't want anything else to die because even a petal of a flower was hard to see because it died. It reminded me of you dying. Today it's Fathers' day, your Daddy don't want to make it special this year, we'll go to the cemetery and might go out for lunch. I know it was hard for Mummy on Mothers' day, you were missing. Your sister made 5 models with clay. 5 of us. You are sitting on Mummy's lap. Your Daddy's glasses and beard look funny. She put every little detail in there. I'll continue later, Daddy's coming down...

Mummy is struggling...

Mummy's struggling today, can not stop crying, you are my baby boy, Mummy's angry that it happened, sad that you are gone, frustrated that there is nothing nothing in the world would bring you back. Your sister asked the other day: Mummy what would you do if you had a power for one impossible thing to be possible.' Mummy was saying 'Not sure' without thinking much while cooking. Then she said 'Remember, you would want Billy to come back, wouldn't you? You said that before'. Mummy felt bad and said 'Of course, I would bring Billy back'. If only there was something like that existed. The sun is shining and Mummy is still feeling rubbish inside, I don't think people would know or understand how it's like to lose a child if they haven't experienced it themselves. Sometimes, Mummy look at some people treating their children as a burden and think 'You don't know how lucky you are'. Mummy's golden chested silver bottomed baby boy, you are. When you were born, Mummy expected you to be on Mummy's chest beside Mummy and Daddy, but you were taken to the Special care, couldn't even see your face properly as Mummy was on the operating table. Then we didn't know what was going on for two, three hours, nothing, nobody came and told anything. The waiting time felt like a century, who would have thought this kind of waiting would become normal for you and us, waiting for test results, waiting for doctors and consultants to come and talk to us, tell us what's happening, what is working not working, and then the news, most of them were news we didn't want and we dreaded to hear. One tiny chromosome, who would have thought it had such power to destroy so much physically and emotionally. I remember when the doctors and nurses told us that there was no hope for you, the future looked very slim in surviving. They took us into this room, well they thought it's better to hear the news in a room with windows. Wonder it was for them or for us. Mummy and daddy didn't notice it anyway. Mummy was trying to be strong and asking questions and writing down, trying not to cry, biting my lips and squeezing the top of the pen, shaking inside, falling apart gradually. Your Daddy started sobbing holding his head and then the doctors left us to have a moment to ourselves. Mummy and Daddy held each other and cried, sobbed and comforted. Life was not fair. You died the next day. The world was mourning with us, it was snowy, windy, wet and cold. Your Daddy said it would make us angry if it was sunny. Mummy'll go now, get myself sorted and take your brother out. He was concerned that Mummy had tears. Mummy doesn't show much tears to your brother and sister, but occasionally like today they see it. I guess it's ok to show them that I miss you, so that they can feel they can do the same. Bye for now, my baby Buuz. Love you XXX

I miss you so much

Mummy is missing you so so much

I see a child with red hair and I miss you
I see a child in a wheelchair and I miss you
I see your little toys and I miss you
I see your tiny clothes and I miss you

I remember you looking around and I miss you
I remember you sleeping beside me and I miss you
I remember holding and feeding you and I miss you
I remember changing your tiny nappies and I miss you

I hear babies laughing and I miss you
I hear babies crying and I miss you
I hear your brother and sister talking about you and I miss you
I hear your daddy talking about you and I miss you

I go to your grave and I miss you
I go to the church your funeral was and I miss you
I go and see friends with babies and I miss you
I go and have fun but stiil I miss you

I love you, my Billy Buuz
I miss you my Billy Buuz
Why are you not here with me?
What have we done to be apart like this?
I miss you so so so much.

Well done to the Nursery and parents

It was a great news to know that the total of Bear Hunt and the toy stall came to incredible £851.13. The nursery staff were excellent in organising the Bear Hunt and the toy stall. We are so pleased about everyone's effort. Yorkhill Foundation will send a certificate and the nursery can display it proudly. They deserve it. Mummy is just back from the cemetery. We go every day, most days twice because your Daddy goes there after work. We light candles for you and water the flowers. It's nice to have a place to go to, to be with you, to think about you, to remember you, to miss you and to cry sometimes. Your brother spots cemeteries now wherever we go. It's sad but at the same time trying to make it normal to talk about you and be nice to people with disabilities. Yesterday me and your brother went to the beach to practise his sports day, Mummy was the person who goes: On your marks, Get set, Go. While we were there two minibuses came and there were children with disability and their teacher/helpers came too. They came from the other side of Glasgow, so it must have taken at least an hour to get here. Your brother usually pulls me to get away from people in wheelchairs or children might look a bit different in their looks because of their conditions or illness. Yesterday, he was fine, he said 'Mummy, Billy would have been like these children. We would have come to the beach with Billy like this, wouldn't we?' Mummy was happy that he was talking about you and also happy that he is getting used to people with disabilities. Mummy noticed his reaction before and used to say 'Billy probably would have been like these people. They are lucky, going for a walk with their Mummy, Daddy, brother and sister. You can't choose how you look or what illness you have, everyone is different.' So it must have helped. Your brother and sister both had inductions for their schools this week, both enjoyed their time. So that's good. Your sister is asking what we'll have for dinner. So Mummy'll continue later. Love you forever, Billy Buuz, Billy Billy Buuz. XXXX

Have to continue...

Mummy felt that I can stop writing the blog here and get on, but it was incredibly hard not to write here. It was almost like another grief, Mummy was struggling to find words to describe how I was feeling. I felt like a glass that is shattered into million pieces and ready to collapse with a tiny bit of touch. Mummy felt like falling down on my knees and have a loud sobbing cry, felt my chest getting tight and needed big deep breaths. So Mummy is just going to write here as before and get things out of my chest. So that it doesn't make Mummy feel down too much.
Your brother's nursery did well, they raised £560 already from the Bear Hunt and we are waiting to get the amount from the toy stall and the cans. This morning, you brother and I took them to Yorkhill. We asked if it could go to the Intensive care unit for more toys there. When you were really poorly, they didn't have enough toys and Mummy and Daddy were really upset that even before you died we wanted you to listen to children's music at least. You were kept asleep, so you couldn't really see things anyway, so it would have been nice to have something to listen to. One of the cardiac nurses got you a nice toy from her ward, which was nice. Mummy and Daddy think about you a lot. We got a card today for all of us including you, so Mummy's pleased that people remember you. Perhaps they noticed we sign their cards with your name. Mummy'll go now and see your brother's nursery concert, Mummy will thank everyone for their effort and the donation for Yorkhill there. They did well. Love you, Billy Buuz. X