Monday, 26 November 2012

Birthday boy

Hallo Billy Buuz. It is getting cold now and our extension work is almost done. Mummy and Daddy have been busy with painting the walls, putting floors down and hanging curtains. The house is looking much nicer now. Today we had some carpet down on the stairs and the landings.

We have been lighting candles for you and every day, yes, every day we talk about you, think about you and share little things with you. In fact there is a chocolate cupcake in front of your photo at the moment beside a lit candle.

On your birthday we went out for dinner. All of us. Your sisters, brother and Mummy and Daddy. We also went to the cemetery and lit candles and put flowers. Mummy went first with your baby sister. She sat on her blanket while Mummy put the candle and the flowers down on your grave. It was a cold and rainy day. Your little sister saw the sweeties on your grave and started saying 'yum, yum.' Jackie had left a packet of Jelly Tots for you. So we had some of that. She enjoyed some of it and we brought it back home with us. Your big brother helped himself with most of that. It's better that way, otherwise it would have attracted all sorts left open outside.

You would have been 3 this year and probably thinking of going to nursery or something. Mummy's brave little man you were. Mummy still pictures you enjoying your bath in Mummy's arms and your big brother and big sister all going 'awww.' Mummy thought Mummy was doing well handling her emotions, but it's unpredictable. It can start suddenly, anything can trigger Mummy's tears reminding you, making her miss you. Recently Mummy bumped into a nice nurse who looked after you just after you were born. She was always nice, so kind. That kind of profession needs people like her. Mummy thought it must be nice for them to see the babies they looked after if they lived. Growing taller and walking and talking.

 Ok, Mummy needs to stop now, she started to sniff and wiping her tears in anything she can see past the tears, baby. Night night, baby boy. Mummy's brightest star in the sky. Love you loads. Hope there is a place that I can meet you again. Somewhere in the middle of million stars. XXXXX

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Why don't we grow more resilience?!

Hallo Billy Buuz? It's your birthday tomorrow. You would've been 3 years old. Exactly 3 years ago Mummy went for her check-up and all started from there. Now, we don't have you in our arms, noticing other children starting nursery, running around, talking and growing up. 

Mummy does not want to go on any more that we don't have you, instead Mummy is trying to leave something behind, do something worthwhile in memory of you. Mummy realised many people must have gone through similar situations and didn't have the chance to bring up stigma or stand up for themselves because of language issues, lack of knowledge and courage. Mummy is not saying Mummy has these all, all Mummy has is this drive to help people who are and who will face the same situation for years. Mummy comes across many obstacles challenging what Mummy is trying to. Mummy has to be clever and good at communicating with people even when she is angry inside.

 'Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Mummy keeps saying this to herself.  We would have still thought it's alright to have black slaves if that was the case. More resilience is not my excuse to stop the campaign we are planning to do. Mummy is not trying to 'clean' any language as another person commented. As you know Mummy is ambitious, but not that ambitious. Mummy is being prepared and it's a long way to reach what we want, but Mummy won't be satisfied until we do it. Another saying Mummy found recently was:

'It always seems impossible until its done.' Nelson Mandela

So we will keep going, Mummy will have to grow more thick skin not to ignore the situation but not to be wounded by unhelpful comments. Yes, why don't we grow more resilience towards cowardly comments?! 

Mummy is ranting a bit here, but Mummy's boy is there for Mummy. Do you know the interesting thing? Chinggis Khaan's birthday is the same as yours! Love you baby boy, Mummy's beautiful baby boy. XXXXXXX

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

A poem in Mongolian

Хүүгийн минь төрсөн өдөр 11 сарын 14. Энэ жил 3 нас хүрэх байлаа.

Талийгаач болсон хүнийг дурсдаггүй гэж нулимсийг минь ширгээнэ
Таг өөрийгөө барьчихвал тамаас ялгаа алгаа
Арван сар тээсэн үрээ авсанд оршуулснаа тодхон санана
Аргадаж намайг зөөллөхийг хүссэнээс алт мөнгийг би хүссэнгүй ээ

Сэвлэг үсийг нь үнэртэж энгэртээ наасан үр минь
Сэтгэл зүрхийг минь цочиртол хорвоогоос халиад явсаан
Сүүгээрээ амласан эх нь мөнхрүүлэхгүй юм бол
Сүм дуганд хичнээн мөргөөд яах юм бэ

Тийм ээ, миний хүү богино насалж
Тэнгэрийн элч шиг л ээждээ зурвас үлдээж
Тэмцэж босоод нэрийг нь ээж нь түүхэнд үлдээнэ
Тэрлэж, мэлмэрч, тэсч байж хүүдээ би очино
They say not to mention someone once they die
Then it'd be like in hell, suffocating
The day coffin replaced the baby basket
Dream turned into nightmare

Thursday, 1 November 2012

The sun

The sun is out
The sky is clear
My heart is heavy
My baby boy isn't here.