Thursday, 26 August 2010

Your brother and sister...

Mummy and daddy are little bit worried about your brother and sister. Mummy can tell that they miss you and it's very fresh in their mind how you you were and what you were like. You brother has been talking about you with his friend at school and the other boy said 'God, he died?!'. They are only 5 years old and having a conversation like that. Mummy is glad that your brother can talk about you, but it can be very hard to see his little eyes watering yet he tries to roll them disguising his feelings and shaking his head as if he is trying to be cool about it. He brought a heart shaped stone from the cemetery and said 'So that we remember Billy'. Of course we will know who you are, we will never forget you. Perhaps, your big brother is worried that we might forget about you and that's his way of remembering you, having something tangible. He put the stone beside your picture on the mantelpiece. Your sister is struggling. She can not sleep properly, worried about things. I don't think she had time to deal with her own burn shock and your death. Like your big brother her eyes start to water when she talks about you and then when it's about to turn into tears she quickly goes out of the room saying, she is going to have a shower or something else, another excuse to leave the room. Mummy feels like giving them hugs and kisses and I do sometimes, but most of the time they don't want me to feel upset. It's hard. Mummy will think and talk to your Daddy and we will look after them, we will do something or some things to help them. Your sister draws beautifully, she is excellent at art and craft. I call her 'my arty ...arty' and she laughs at me. She was surprised yesterday that someone at school said she was pretty. Mummy said 'Of course you are'. Then she said 'Of course, you would think so because you are my mum'. True. Mummy is proud of you three. Mummy spoke to the teaching assistant at your brother's school this morning. She said 'He is a lovely boy. Very polite'. Mummy felt good and made sure told your Daddy on the phone. Yes, at 5 being polite is good. It's already end of August. You died 6 months ago. 6 months on, Mummy did so many things to distract myself, not to give in to dark hole and be depressed because Mummy has your brother, sister and Daddy to think about. Your poor Daddy, didn't even have time to grieve for his mum. Mummy dreamt about your Scottish granny last night. I can't remember exactly, but she was trying not to be burden for anybody and Mummy was insisting to help. Mummy's going to write about a lot of things in the book, Mummy's childhood stuff. Ok, I'll go and do some housework. Love you, Billy Buuz. XXXX

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Back to school...

Schools started today and your brother started primary and your sister started secondary school. Mummy and daddy made a huge fuss about their school ties, snacks and every little things really. Mummy was happy to see them moving on, but several times, Mummy missed you. We will never see you again, you will always be three months old in our mind. You were our baby boy, tiny little baby boy. Mummy is going to write a book in memory of you and make you live forever. Mummy liked the idea of every book published has to have a copy at the British Library. Mummy will make sure there will be one about you, telling people how you were born, what you were like and what happened. You will be an uncle in the future, and great uncle and more. So they can trace their family history through the book and read about their interesting looking great great granny and her emotions. Also it would be good for them to know themselves medically just incase. Mummy had nice news recently. Mummy's friend saw a psychic in Manchaster and she was told to pass on a message from you, saying you were looking out for us. What a nice thought. Mummy didn't really believe in that kind of thing, but now I would believe in anything if it's about you. Mummy finds comfort in believing nice things. Mummy and daddy has your William teddy bear on top of the bed, wearing one of your tiny tops and your name tag. Mummy still can't have your photo beside our bed, it's too hurtful, because Mummy can't give you a good night kiss. Mummy likes to watch the videos of you on my phone, it seems so real till it stops and I realise that moment can never happen again. Ok, baby boy, Mummy'll go and cook some 'mongolian food' as your brother and sister say. They are playing the Wii after a looong first day at school. :-) You keep watching over us and we will keep you inside forever. Till next week, bye for now, baby boy, Billy buuz. Love you dearly. XXXXXX

Thursday, 12 August 2010


Mummy likes to think that you are everywhere and specially when I see a butterfly, I'm so glad to see it. I feel you are visiting Mummy, saying hello, letting me know you are ok, free from pain, flying up and down, paying visits to the beautiful colourful flowers, choosing which one you want to land. That's my boy, knowing what to do, not letting others making decisions for you. Daddy and Mummy are thinking of having a headtone for you, dark green granite with silver writing on it. The writing will be mixture of English and Mongolian words. You are a symbol of many nice things, relationships - personal and countries, religions and cultures. Mummy and Daddy did everything we could while you were here with us. You were scheduled to be baptised at 10am on the day you died, but the consultant who was on shift that night thought it was better to do it sooner than later because we almost lost you during the night. So we brought it forward and you were baptised at 5am in the morning, with your Mummy and Daddy and the hospital chaplain around you, in the middle of the closed curtains in the intensive care unit. Later, the chaplain managed to find a nun from the Buddhist community and we got you blessed, too. Mummy felt better having the Buddhist imput, Mummy felt complete and was ready to let you go and say my goodbye. It was very hard. We had to let you go because we loved you so much, it was harsh to keep you here with us when you were not enjoying life, depending on machines, every organ failing one after another. Yeah, that's why Mummy likes to see butterflies and hope that my baby boy is flying in the sky, pain free, waving hello to his Mummy with its beautiful wings, playing in the summer breeze, putting a smile on Mummy's face... my lovely baby boy, I love you very much. Billy Buuz XXXX

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Fox superstition...

Mummy bought a wooden toy fox yesterday for you three when we were out at a local park. I forgot that in Mongolia, they put a model of a fox for a new baby. I think we were too busy worried about other things when you were born. Mummy put the fox beside the main door inside the house. So the fox would help my three babies. Mummy also got a little cotton bag with a teddy on it. When we got home, Mummy put your hair in it. Mummy wanted something special to put your hair, something Mummy felt right to keep your hair in it. Mummy went and saw a newborn baby today. Your brother and sister came with me. The baby is half Mongolian and half Scottish. Well, her daddy is a New Zealander with Scottish parents, I think. Seeing the baby girl made me miss you and think about you. Mummy's not too bad now, can hold babies and talk about you. Although your brother and sister might feel more sensitive about talking about you to other people. Mummy was watching one of the videos of you when you were in hospital. You were so lively and liked looking around, used to listen to loud noise and turn your head towards light. Mummy didn't realise that those moments would never happen again when you died. Mummy didn't realise once we buried you, that was it. I could never see you again. Ever. People say things happen for a reason. How about you dying? Was it for a reason? Was this world too harsh for you, my baby? Some people's attitude towards disability, the ignorance of understanding natural causes might have shocked and disappointed you. Today, the little baby girl's mum was very grateful for the mongolian food Mummy brought for her and the support. She texted saying God bless you. Mummy felt, it's too late to rescue my boy. Ok, Mummy'll stop before start crying. Mummy loves you very much, everywhere I go you are with me. Mummy's little baby boy. Night. XXXXXXXXXX