Missing you, baby boy

Hallo hallo, Billy Buuz. Mummy missed you this week. Mummy was watching a film on TV and the missing girl came home. Mummy wished you would come home like that, but you never will. Mummy misses cuddling you, touching your tiny fingers and hands, looking at your beautiful soft face and changing you. Mummy misses everything about you and of you. Nothing will ever bring you back, Mummy even tries to dream about you and you don't come to Mummy in the dream. Mummy will wait to see you in my dream one day. Ok, Billy buuz, Mummy always gets upset when I write here, but this is good. I have you and it is the greatest thing. Mummy will make you live forever in people's mind. It's getting very close. :-) People will know who Billy buuz was, who this clever boy was. He was only 3 months old, but had the impact of lifetime in people's lives. Love you and grateful that you are Mummy's baby boy. XXXX

Love you, Billy Buuz

Hallo, baby boy. Mummy has been busy busy writing. It's a great feeling to be writing about you and Mummy's childhood. Mummy had a happy childhood. People think if someone is from Mongolia, it's a country that naked men riding horses! It's funny. Mummy wanted to share how life was and is in Mongolia. Not many people know that it's a country full of clever people as well as nutters like any other country. Mummy hoped you would come and see Mongolia one day. I know you can't physically now, but Mummy will take you there and show you in my head and book. You are Mummy's baby boy. It's so hurtful to see other Mums pushing prams with their babies. Mummy is getting better at handling my feelings, it was hard first, but now Mummy knows that you would be well known when Mummy finishes her book. People will talk about you just like anyone, because you are a symbol of many nice things. You are the voice for many people who can't talk about things because they are tied back with attitude in society, cultural barriers and blinding superstitions. Mummy is grateful that you are Mummy's boy. Mummy had hundreds of ideas before and never had the determination or guts to do anything about them. But now you sharpened Mummy, Mummy will do what I wanted to do for years influencing people in a positive way. Mummy want everyone to be happy and appreciate what they have instead of moaning about things and looking at the bad and the empty things. After all we need to start looking for nice and happy things in ourselves. Nobody can give it to us, just us, ourselves. So Mummy is spending my energy on this book for you and about you. Mummy wants to be strong for your brother, sister and Daddy. It's not that easy to keep it all the time, but Mummy will do it, because I have you. Mummy's celevr boy, watching over Mummy and with me all the time and all the way. Mummy knows nothing on earth will bring you back, but Mummy will miss you and talk about you just like any baby. Love you loads, your sniffly Mummy in her Mongolian blue deel. XXXXXXXXX

Our Billy

It has been a week or so since the last blog. Mummy has been busy with writing, asking people to proofread and help Mummy. It can be daunting sometimes because of the grammar, but Mummy loves writing. It comes out easily. Mummy doesn't know the quality, but Hey, you would be proud of Mummy, wouldn't you? Mummy has been missing you terribly last two days. I look at your picture and feel like hugging and cuddling you. It's such a shame, you are not here. Mummy tries to picture you sitting on my lap, looking around wondering what is going around you. Mummy and Daddy's friends' babies reached one this week. Mummy sent cards and little things. We were supposed to see your first birthday and more. Mummy will make a cake for your birthday and put it in front of your picture and put a slice at your grave. Your headstone is up now. It is dark green granite with silver writing. It says your names, date of birth and death, and a phrase in Mongolian 'Manai Billy Buuz Huu' meaning 'Our Billy Buuz Son'. That's how we called you. Mummy, Daddy, Granny and Granpa, we all called you like that. Mummy wants to help people through writing and give them the permission to feel happy, sad and angry. Mummy sees so many people keep their thoughts and grief to themselves, can't open it, even scared of opening the truth. Mummy feels it is healthy to talk about. Well that is if someone does not have something to regret. Some people realise the value of anything after it's gone. It's the same with people. It's better doing things for these loved ones while they are alive, not regreting afterwards. Then again it's easier said than done. Perhaps, Mummy can just help people to open up feel better through crying, talking and feeling emotions. Mummy saw a film called Eat Pray Love. It was a woman's journey in life. Interesting. People always find something to be unhappy about when life is perfect, or rather it seems perfect. We don't really know why I guess. Listen to your Mummy now. Mummy is talking to you about big grown up things. Mummy's clever boy, you are. Mummy will describe you with the best words in any language. Why? Because you are my boy, who would say that about you if your Mummy didn't. Mummy called you 'clever' when you were with us. Some people didn't like that. They said 'He would never be clever'. In Mummy's eyes, you are the most clever baby boy. Ok, Mummy'll go and write some about my childhood. Mummy is putting our story together in the book. You will live forever, in people's minds and in literture. Mummy is determined to do this for you three. You look out for Mummy and we'll get there. Billy Buuz, clever boy. Night night. XXXXX

Ginger Hair, Mongol Spots

Mummy has been writing a lot recently. It's great, it works as a therapy for Mummy. Mummy ends up in tears when writing about you. It's moving but helps Mummy to get things out of my chest. Your sister turned 12 2 days ago. We put a birthday cake for you, infront of your photos. We still visit the cemetery and light a candle every day. They had prepared the foundation for the headstone. So hopefully it will be up before your first birthday. I'm not sure how we would be on your birthday. It will be hard to accept you would have been one. You will be one, in Mummy's head. Mummy is making you live forever, writing about you and people will know who Billy was. The boy changed people, the boy who helped people to feel better, the boy who opened people's eyes. You made a lot of change already. Mummy's determined to do many things, charity work, writing, influencing people. So see you had done a lot already. My little baby boy with his ginger hair and Mongolian blue spots. Mummy's angel. Love you, Billy Buuz. XXXXXXX