Mummy's little man...

Mummy wonders how you would have looked. Around now you would have been 8,9 months. Today we saw a baby who is a month older than you. He was crawling, playing, smiling and eating normal food. With you, Billy, Mummy and Daddy didn't have the fortune to do that, didn't have all that fun, tickling you and making you smile and giggle, didn't have the chance to read a story before you going to bed, didn't even have a chance to put you in a proper cot. You used to be in your pram top, basket looking top, because you were tiny and then you had to be admitted in hospital, Mummy didn't even have any opportunity to put your mongolian boots and hat. We went to Ediburgh for a couple of days, but I missed you. Mummy wanted something nice for you, but didn't know what. Mummy felt really emotional coming home in the car. Soon we'll get the headstone for your grave. Mummy and Daddy chose one a few days ago, Mummy stopped herself crying at the stonemason's. We were very quiet in the car, probably going through similar thoughts, missing you, wishing you were here with us. Mummy tries to be optimistic and motivated, but sometimes I feel I'm trying to keep busy and painting this picture of myself coping ok over my true emotions. Now, Mummy's tears are rolling down my cheeks and it's good in a way that I can let it go and it doesn't come out in other ways, like anger or feeling down and affecting others around me. Mummy's little star, bright little button, toughest little baby boy you are. Mummy wishes there was something, anything that I could do to bring you back. I love you and I'm sorry Mummy's crying, blocked up and missing you. Mummy'll go and light a candle for you little boy. Wherever you are, that's Mummy's good boy. Love you, baby. Billy Buuz. Night night. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Keeping busy

Mummy hasn't written here for almost 2 weeks. It has been hectic recently, but in a good way. Mummy is trying to be involved in many things, keeping busy and motivated. I miss you, but Mummy is finding strength in that you are no longer in pain and you are in a safe place. Your sister made a beautiful flower arrangement for you today, she went and bought individual flowers with her pocket money and made it. She is so creative and artisitc. Mummy talks about you a lot, any opportunity Mummy talks about you. Sometimes, I feel the safest place for you was in Mummy's tummy. At least Mummy feels that way and it's a nice thought knowing that Mummy carried you to the best she could and looked after you, fought for you, protected you and did everything on earth there was to do. Mummy used to think 'Not my baby, everything is fine, should be fine', taking things for granted, not knowing anything can happen to anybody. Since you passed away, life seems short and Mummy is trying to make the most of it. Yes, Mummy will write about you, talk about you and make sure people know who you were and how wonderful perfect and clever baby you were in your own way. We lit a candle outside the house for you today, didn't go to the cemetery. The car was getting fixed and then Mummy went to teach. Mummy feels ok about not going today. Not sure why, but feels alright to do so, perhaps you are here with me anyway, everywhere we go you are there because you are in our mind, you are within us. Yeah, my baby baby boy you are Mummy's angel. Night night, love you baby boy, Billy Buuz. XXXXXX

Your names...

Mummy added a name on your other names just before you died. You were named after your Mongolian papa and your Scottish ancestors. The added name is Sanchir, it means Saturn in Tibetan. Mummy gave you this name, so that you will be bright in the sky and also because you were born on a Saturday. In Mongolian tradition, they don't name babies after a living person, they think the name will be too heavy to carry and the baby might face difficulties. On the other hand and on the other side of earth in Scotland, it's a tradition to be named after their fathers, mothers and relatives no matter if they are living or not. Mummy and Daddy thought it would be nice to have our boys named after our dads, your brother has your Irish/Scottish papa's name and you had your Mongolian papa's name. Perhaps, I wonder, I should have followed the Mongolian tradition? Then again there is a saying 'When you are in Rome do as the Romans do'. Well, now here in Scotland, you are buried, Mummy's flesh and blood is buried here. So Mummy feels my roots are planted here. So Mummy will make the most of what we have here and live life to the full. I miss you, I was looking at the photo of my three babies, you with your brother and sister. You look like a doll on your sister's lap. Mummy remembers how light you were, your sister loved holding you. She used to come home running from school to see you and give you kisses and cuddle you. She still sleeps cuddling your tiny baby suits. Mummy gave a block of your hair to your sister. Mummy was asking questions from your sister the other day and asked 'What 3 things would you take in case of a fire?' She said 'Passports, money and Billy's hair'. Mummy's glad that your brother and sister talk about you. They even made a character on the Wii called Billy. It's funny hearing them racing on the Wii and shouting 'Go Billy, Go'. It's nice to have you around like that. Also people address us including your name in the letters and cards. We are choosing your headstone and Daddy has been going to places to see the different types. Daddy printed off a sample and we stared at it and then we hugged each other with tears in our eyes. We didn't expect to prepare your headstone, we expected to hold your hands and walk down the street, we expected to see your smiles, your first tooth, first words and tantrums, not writing your name on a headstone. When we buried you, Mummy put you in your brother's mongolian deel, it's a brown silk deel that your granny made. I also dressed you in the top says 'My sister loves me', Mummy put your dummy beside you, too. You loved your dummy, Mummy hoped that it might strengthen your muscles in your mouth and help with your speech. Perhaps, it didn't help you, it might have taken all your energy and made you lose weight. Not sure, so many things that Mummy thinks, may be this may be that. Ok, Mummy'll go to bed and try to dream about you and see you. Night night. Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXXXX

The poems that give Mummy great strength written by your sister...

My Mum

My Mum is the one who makes the sun rise
The one who does great things no matter how big a size
Her love has the power of a million shooting stars
She can go faster than any of the cars

She smells sweeter than the sweetest rose in the world
She is the one who makes the galaxy whirl and whirl
My Mum is the pretty and amazing grace
She can make the most perfect meals you can't resist to taste

My love for her is enough to go up and down to Pluto million times
When she walks it sounds like the London chimes
The word Love is not enough to describe how I feel
Just one kiss can make anything heal
That's my Mum, That's my Mum.

Another one (2 years ago):

My Mum
My Mum is orange
She is the golden sun
She is the £10000 dress
and a smooth soft bed
She is america's top model
She is a juicy peach
I love my mum

Light at the end of the tunnel?

Today, Mummy is feeling not bad, but whenever Mummy talk about you or remember you or miss you the feeling is always there, never gets less hurtful. Mummy remembers Daddy talking about someone asking him if things are better now and if we see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I think your daddy and I both agree that time doesn't make you less dead or the fact that you were our baby boy. It's still the same. we can not just forget that and 'get on with our life'. Some people seem to think it is for the better because you would have had so much problems and difficulties. Well, Mummy was very angry and said that it did not matter at the end of the day you were our baby and you are not here any more. Mummy did not want anyone ever say that again about your disability and the way you were. Mummy had a sobbing cry today at your grave. I know and remember the poem that you are not there, you are in the morning rush, you are in the sun rays. Mummy held the little ornament of a blue eyed boy with red hair and cried missing you, kissing the ornament and thinking the time we had with you was just not enough. Mummy feels like digging the ground and bring you out from there and give you million kisses and cuddles. Of course, Mummy can't do that, shouldn't do that. Even I did that you weren't be there, you will be somewhere else. Mummy had a comforting thought that Mummy will see you when it's my time. I wonder what's after death, it would be nice if there was a life that we could meet again. Mummy and daddy couldn't beleive what we were hearing when we were told that you had Down's syndrome. Mummy was angry with the doctor who said there were signs of Down's syndrome, Mummy even almost hated her for bringing that news. Mummy now understand she was just doing her job, she was nice when Mummy got to know her little bit. It wasn't her fault, Mummy hurt badly and did not want to accept that news. Your sister wrote a poem for Mummy and your Daddy brought your brother and sister's photo for me in the hospital. Mummy got such a big strength from the photo and the poem. The matron of the ward said 'You changed just one day, totally different person you became'. Well, yes Mummy got in touch with this nice lady who had a 5 year old boy with Downs and she texted me saying that she remembered promising to herself to pass a day without crying. That text message was very powerful. Mummy got up and showered and held her head high, put my make up on and did my hair and went to see you in High Dependency Unit. Mummy expressed milk to give you through the tube, Mummy wanted to give you everything, everything Mummy could offer. Mummy got out of hospital after 5 days and went back and forth to the hospital to see you with Daddy, your granny and papa in turns. Mummy couldn't drive because of the ceasarian section wound. Jackie was there, too. She gave Mummy lift back and forth. One day Mummy took a bus which was empty almost, one other passenger. Mummy had bottles of expressed milk in her hands and waiting for the bus in cold windy rain. It was a cold winter with a lot of snow, tough all around the world. There were times, Mummy felt 'special'. One of Mummy's friends said 'I heard Billy had Down's and thought he was a lucky boy to have a Mummy like you, you are strong and resourceful'. Well, it wasn't enough, was it. Mummy remembers that in hospital just after you were born, this woman came into the room and asked if she could show me how to breastfeed. Mummy was so annoyed and said 'No, I don't want it, I don't even know if my baby is going to survive'. Poor woman left quickly feeling bad for asking the question. It was so scary and not knowing what to do, what to expect and who to turn to. All the nurses and doctors and cleaners were really nice in the maternity hospital. It's a beautiful world, but how can it be so harsh?! Love you Billy Buuz, Billy Billy Buuz. XXXXX