Summer is here

Hallo Billy buuz, baby boy. Mummy's bootiful. It's been lovely recently with the sun out, barbeque smells, ice-creams melting and 'appy, appy' as your baby sister would say. She is funny. Even the word 'funny' makes her laugh. She thinks the word 'funny' means you laugh out loud. She was 2 a few days ago! Can you believe it?! We had to light the candle again and again, so that she can blow it out again and again. She is the boss in our house. You can imagine. We put your piece of cake infront of your photo as always.

Your big sister is doing great at school. She is finishing this year with a merit again. She was so pleased and Mummy and Daddy are so proud. Your big brother loves football. He goes to a club every week and Mummy picked him up last night after it. He was in tears. His team lost the game. He reminds Mummy of herself. Mummy used to wrestle with your Mongolian grandpa when she was little and would cry if she didn't win. Oh well, the competitive side can be a good thing if we deal with it well. He is learning to lose as well, he needs to know that he can't win all the time.

Mummy keeps thinking about you. You used to be very alert for your age. Unfortunately, you spent the last month of your life asleep, on drugs. We all miss you, baby and we are managing our feelings better. But sometimes it's hard. Mummy is looking forward to the book coming out. Mummy's clever boy, we are achieving what we said we would. The book will be in the British Library, you are in history. Mummy wanted that. Your story will live in people's minds. Mummy's lovely boy. Mummy wishes she could kiss you, hold you and look into your eyes. The birghtest star in the sky. Love you loads. XXXX

Mummy's birthday

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mamma's baba. Mummy's brightest star in the sky. It's been a lovely few days, sunny and warm. Mummy's birthday was a couple of days ago and we had a lovely time. Mummy had a looong lie in and then breakfast in bed. Your Daddy got up with your baby sister very early and then your big sister made breakfast for Mummy. Mummy could hear her sticking Happy Birthday banners round the house and it already made Mummy smile. Your Daddy did a barbeque for lunch and we all had a lovely time enjoying our little garden. Your baby sister was dancing and clapping saying 'Happy, happy.' She had everyone close to her beside her and she picked up the happy atmosphere. It was good. Your big brother loves picking her up and she screams sometimes if it's a bit rough. Your big sister helped with the bbq, too. You won't believe it, we went out for dinner, too. Then we managed to get home before your little sister started to get sleepy. So the day ended with us having the chimneya on in the garden and your big brother and sister melted marshmallows in the fire. It was magical.

Mummy went out the next day with her friends. It was good to be out, too. So you see Mummy is enjoying herself. We light our candles for you and talk about you as always. The book is coming on and Mummy is raising awareness on the misuse of the term. Yeah, life is good. You are with us, in our hearts. Mummy's beautiful baby boy. Mummy wanted to share the happy times with you, too. Night night. Love you, baby boy. XXXX

Time

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy wanted to write here for a while and this month has gone really fast. It was your Daddy's birthday a few days ago and as usual we shared a cake with you. The candles are still being lit on your grave and at home. Mummy's finished the book and now thinking about raising awareness more. So Mummy started a Facebook page which is good, but Mummy realised Mummy has to do the posts in English and Mongolian because people who are following the page are from different countries and speak different languages. Mummy can do in those two languages at least. English is a wide spread language and the Mongolians who told Mummy that they don't understand English can read in Mongolian.

Mummy has been tearful recently, not so sure why. Mummy is missing you a lot. They say time helps, but Mummy finds that's not true sometimes. Anyway, your sisters and brother are good to have, keeping Mummy busy. Your baby sister is walking. Hurray. Well, with one hand held mostly, but it's good she is doing it. She can talk well though. Today Mummy was out walking with her at the beach and Mummy sang badly. She said: Mummy, no. Please. It was so funny. Mummy realised she was copying your big brother and sister. Sometimes, Mummy and daddy do silly things to wind them up. So there we are.

The summer is almost here. You would think it's almost the end of May and we can wear summer clothes, but not this year. Mummy's wearing a couple of layers at least to keep warm.

Mummy is thinking of making a documentary or some kind of film based on or around the book. Suddenly, Mummy bumps into people who might be able to help. Yesterday, in a supermarket this guy who lectures in Film and TV stopped and talked to Mummy about the idea and offered suggestions. It's lovely to have a goal and focus. Mummy starts to notice things more then.

Ok, baby boy. Mummy's lovely boy. It's so unreal, you are not here. Yet, you are here. Love you so much. Kissing your red head. XXXX

Almost there

Hallo Billy. Mamma's bootiful baba. Mummy calls you all all sorts of names. Your baby sister even knows that. She responds to Mummy whichever name Mummy calls her. Sometimes Mummy calls everyone's name to find one of your names. You'd think Mummy is not that old, but Mummy does that. Mummy likes it because it makes your Daddy and big brother and sister laugh. Mummy is so happy recently. Why? You know why! Our book will be out soon enough. The book you inspired Mummy to write. The book came out from Mummy's heart. Mummy is excited but scared at the same time. We are lighting candles every night and think of you every day. Maybe not as intense as before, but you are with us wherever we go. Mummy likes talking about you four. Only now Mummy realises what is important in life. It's a lovely feeling taking your little sister to the beach and take in everything, sea breeze, the sun, clouds - just amazing. Your little sister is repeating everything she hears. So you can imagine she is turning into a small Mummy. It's funny really. She plays a lot with Connect Four circles. She calls them 'money.' We never knew those little circles can turn into all sorts of games. She puts them in a small plastic chewing gum container and then emties it, putting them in her tea set pretending they are food. It's lovely. But Mummy's exhausted sometimes. The best feeling ever can be felt just after putting her to bed and close her door carefully saying 'Good night.' Mummy goes downstairs makes a cup of tea and settles down for a good hour. Then it's time to do other things, like writing or reading or watching TV with your Daddy. It's good. Mummy's telling you all sorts here tonight. But Mummy loves telling you stuff, sharing with you. Mummy's beautiful baby boy. Love you loads and loads. A Big wet kiss on your ginger hair. Night night. XXXXX

Epilogue

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy's been soo busy trying to finish the book and write the epilogue. Mummy's baby boy shining bright in the sky, looking down. Our book, Mummy's book for you is almost finished. We have a publisher and Mummy is just waiting to sign the contract. Mummy is scared but excited that this book will be out telling people a story, a history and a tale. They will remember who you were and how you inspired Mummy to do many things. Mummy had a glimpse of memory of you yesterday. Mummy tried to picture you in her mind, eyes closed and then it flashed very fast in front of Mummy's eyes. You looking up, awake, looked so cute. Mummy misses you so much. Mummy can't tell you how much. Mummy still calls you all each other's names. Mummy called your big brother almost Billy yesterday. Mummy has recieved a phone call last Sunday. A couple had their baby three months early and the baby is an intensive care. Mummy went to interpet for them and visited the neonatal unit. It was somewhere else from where you were, but it brought back lots of memories. Mummy tried to help them, but still so hard. Mummy knew exactly ow they were feeling, very poorly baby attached to lots of wires and tubes. There is nothing the parents can do. It's been the Easter holidays and we are enjoying our time together. Your baby sister is a great one to make everyone smile and repeat anything she hears. Mummy hears herself back when she says phrases like 'Oh dear.' She is so funny. She cuddles to us all and very bossy too. Your big brother and sister laugh and do whatever she wants them to do. It's sweet to see them playing together. But there is a shadow in our hearts, a hole always. Billy Buuz. It's you, baby. We love you, baby. Night night. XXXX

Winter

Hallo Billy Buuz. It's been a strange winter this year. Sunny, windy, snowy, rainy. Your siblings have been not keeping that well either. It's been non-stop antibiotics, trips to doctors. We are hoping the spring is coming soon. Mummy planted some flowers. Actually, your big sister planted some tulips last year around our new driveway and the are growing now, soon they will flower. Talking about flowers, Mummy spoke to Jackie and yes, it was her who put the snowdrops and the muffin. In fact she came around yesterday with some muffins. She has been off for a while because of her eyes. Viral infections are terrible sometimes. She's getiing there, but not recovering fully. It's Yeye's birthday tomorrow. Mummy was with her 8 years ago for her birthday. Mummy was thinking actually, chatting to your Mongolian grandparents online and realised Mummy hasn't visited the ger-Mummy grew up for 7 years now. It's lovely to see the inside of the ger now through the webcamera. Oh, we have some good news. Our book is getting published! Mummy is working on it with an editor. Mummy can't say any more yet. Mummy saw a draft cover! It's great. Ok, we'll change the subject, we will tell you soon, baby boy. You know it already I guess. It's good. Mummy is in a happy phase just now. So it's good. As long as your siblings keep well, that's the main thing. Your Daddy's work is going well, he is enjoying it now because of an interesting project. So yeah, we are in a good place. We are still lighting a candle every night at home and sometimes at the cemetery. The day you passed away was 24th Feb 2010. This year, we spent half the night in hospital with your baby sister. It was not nice at all. The nurses asked if she had any brothers and sisters. Mummy mentioned you and then they asked 'When did he die?' Mummy said 'Three years ago tonight.' It was horrible. Your baby sister was sick and wouldn't keep anything down. There's a nasty bug going around. She was better after a few hours in hospital and we came home about 2.30am in the morning. We were desperate to come home. All the memories of losing you chased us. Anyway, your baby sister is better now and she is learning new words every day. She likes to do 'High five.' She can't say it, she says 'Hipaiv.' Ok, baby boy. Sleep well. Love you loads and loads. Mummy's shining star in the sky. Bootiful baba boy. Love you. XXXX

Thank you message

Hallo Billy buuz, Mummy wanted to thank a very kind person in this post. Today is the 8th of the first month of the Lunar New Year. So it is considered very good day to light candles and pray. So Mummy wanted to visit you and light a couple of candles. There Mummy saw a beautiful bunch of snowdrops and a yummy looking chocolate muffin on your grave. Mummy was so touched that she almost cried. People are so kind. Mummy was not sure who it might be. There are a few friends who would do that kind of kind gestures, but Mummy wasn't sure. Jackie likes baking muffins and she was talking about your snowdrops coming up in their garden. So it might be her. Or it might be Susan, then she gave us a little pot of plant last week. So maybe it's not her. It might be Chrissy ... Maybe. We will see who this might be. Mummy was touched and told your daddy, brother and sisters, even Facebook. Do you hear Mummy?! Facebook. Mummy finds social media quite useful these days. There is so much out there, no time to be bored, so much to learn and do. Mummy has some Mongolian radio apps on her phone, your Daddy was commenting that he'd thought it would've happened a while ago. Sure, Mummy likes to listen to Mongolian songs and now your baby sister loves to watch children's song videos on Youtube. Mummy took your baby sister swimming and Mummy didn't know some of the rhymes, she doesn't have a clue and starts to sing in Mongolian. She will make an affort and learn Humpty Dumpty and the other songs they sing like the Wheels on the Bus.

This weekend is the anniversary of you leaving us. Three years. Three years. It seems not so long but at the same time where has the time gone?!

Yeye was here for five days and left this week. It's always good to be with her. Mummy needs to let her be a grown up though. Mummy now understands how your Emee and Ovoo felt when Mummy left home. It was easier and harder in some ways, no mobiles then. The only time they contacted Mummy was they had to go to the local post office and book a 5 min and then wait in the waiting area until they were called into a booth. Mummy missed her parents after left home, she used to sing 'Өвсний толгой цайраад байна
Өвөл болсны шинж үү дээ
Өөрөө ч мэдэлгүй уйлах юм
Ээжийгээ санасны шинж үү дээ' meaning roughly

'The valley covered in white
The sign of winter coming
Tears running down no control
Tell tell sign of missing my mother.'

Ok baby, Mummy misses you so much, Mummy and Daddy, your brother and big sister, your Yeye, Emee, Ovoo - we all miss you dearly. You were our baby boy, big brother, baby brother, grandson, greatgrandson, nephew, cousin ...  Mummy's bootiful baby with golden chest and silver bottom, just like in Mongolian fairytales.

Trip to London

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy's baby boy. Mummy was going through some photos of you a couple of days ago to send to a magazine with an article Mummy wrote. Your Daddy helped by choosing some too. Mummy has to detach her feelings sometimes because it's quite sad looking through your photos and happy at the same time while looking at your little face and eyes. Sweet and sour feeling, fragile, Mummy's tears just sitting there about to burst if anything happens to poke her hurt a little bit more. Mummy is aware of these feelings and most of the time now Mummy tries not to cry because the times are not right. Your brother and sisters are about to come home or they are there. So Mummy lock her feelings, but... but writing here after they are in bed is the best suited time. Your Daddy knows exactly how Mummy feels without talking to each other. There was a programme on tonight on TV called 'Call the Midwife.' They had a funeral for a baby boy. Mummy and Daddy don't really watch that programme normally, it just happened to be on and we half watched it. It brought back many memories and Mummy remembers you in a little coffin, looking so perfect. The thing Mummy didn't realise then was once that coffin was closed that was it. We were never to see you ever again.

Mummy's little boy came for a reason, woke Mummy up. Recently, Mummy was listening to a Scottish writer Janice Galloway's talk at her writers' club. Janice Galloway said: 'When someone dies they give you a gift.' Well, Mummy felt it was true in your case. You gave Mummy the gift of courage, braveness and creativity. Mummy is determined to leave your name in history. There will be people who thinks Mummy is nuts. But hey, we can do it, we will, baby.

Last week, Mummy went to London to attend a reception at the Whitehall where the Foreign and Commonwealth Office is. The event was to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Mongolian and British Diplomatic relations. Mummy wore her red deel and had her hair up and made an effort to fit the occassion. To Mummy's surprise there were a few influential people including William Hague and Michael Howard and other ambassadors. Mummy saw Baabaa, too. He is Mummy's uncle, he is your Mongolian granny's big brother. Mummy had some photos taken with some people.

Yeye is coming soon. So excited, can't wait. Love you baby, have to finish this post for some reason it keeps giving an error saying can't save it. So Mummy'll continue another day. Brightest star in the sky. Night night. Love you so much, Mummy's baby boy. XXXXXXXX

Up and Down

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy's baby boy. Your photo in the hall is Mummy's favourite now. You are on your Mongolian Granny's lap, lying on your back looking up. Your Granny-Emee is sitting on the living room couch and your big sister and brother are sitting beside her. They are all laughing. You are wearing your 'My brother loves me' top. Mummy wishes she could cuddle you once more. But it's not going to happen, doesn't matter how good Mummy is and doesn't matter how much stuff, money, fame anything. Mummy has to be optimistic and sometimes, it's hard to be upbeat all the time. But Mummy wil try.

Your brother and sisters are doing great. In fact, your big sister and brother are doing well at school. Mummy and Daddy are very proud. Your little lister is doing well too. She says many words and tries to sing. She likes watching a cartoon called Peppa Pig and she is picking up words very quickly these days. She says some wors in Mongolian and English. She can say: Bombog-Ball; Nom-Book; Maama-Baby. So she is a clever cookie. She is not walking though. One day she will run probably. We will see.

Mummy was a bit down this morning and now it's the evening and the others are in bed and your Daddy's out to the pub. Mummy feels so much better, especially after your big sister's parents' night at school. All the teachers were very positive and happy about the way your big sister is progressing. Your big sister loves arty things, she did portrait of you all and gave Mummy and Daddy as a present. The best present, ever!

Yeye will come soon for a visit. Mummy can't wait to see your auntie Yeye. Mummy's baby sister. She is a very clever young lady, she plays chess so well. She got it from your Ovoo.

Ok, babes. Mummy's bootiful baby boy. Shine bright in the sky and Mummy will watch you every night. Love you loads. XXXXX

Another Christmas

Hallo Billy buuz. Mummy's red head. It's been a busy few weeks with all the festive events. We are all well, apart from your baby sister's teething phase. You Daddy and Mummy have been up every night with her crying little bit. She was in a much better mood today.

We spent the Christmas day with your Daddy's cousin and his wife from north of Scotland. They stayed here for a couple of nights. It was nice to have a family around as you know the other side of the family is in Mongolia. Not so much of visiting each other can happen from the other side of the world. On Christmas day, Mummy and Daddy both visited your grave and lit candles, put a cracker, a few Roses chocolates, a mince pie and a lovely cupcake which was given by the relatives. It was a lovely day, calm and not so windy.

We had  a good day, especially your siblings, playing all day with their new presents. Your baby sister loved a tea set. She likes the tea pot that makes a pouring noise. Your brother loves his new watch. He was so pleased that the watch came in a ox with a window and it had even its own cushion. Your big sister is carrying her camera everywhere. Your Daddy took them to places where they could take nice photos. Mummy will be getting 'busy' ish with a lovely new sewing machine. And your Daddy is enjoying his new office in the attic, with new chairs and his gadgets. Yeah, it's been a good year on the whole. Tomorrow is the last day of 2012.

Ok, Billy buuz, you keep shining on us and we will keep you in our hearts forever. Love you loads. Good might. XXXX

Advent calendars already

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy's bootiful baby boy! Bootiful, Mummy calls you because you are. It is December now. Your brother and sisters started opening their advent calendars. Yours is there too. Your chocolates are put in front of your photo on the mantelpeice beside the candle. This year your Daddy got you all the same advent calendars. They all have reindeers and Santa. We put them on our bookshelf in the living room. Every morning, after breakfast it's a huge rush to get to the calendars.

We are teaching your baby sister to say 'Santa.' She is funny. She is such a bossy little girl, telling and commanding everyone to do things for her. Your big sister is her favourite out of all of us. She loves playing with your brother too, giggling and twisting and wriggling about. Such a lovely picture to see them all happy playing together. Of course, there is always, always and always someone is missing. That little gap, a big gap, a tiny person, huge space, a puzzle peice from our family jigsaw. The hole for that missing puzzle is worn, the other edges stained with tears, heartache and love, stitched with kisses, nappies, tissues, tears and pain. The other edges lost that part forever and they will stay unfinished as long as they stay in that position for the rest of their lives.

While we were driving to your big sister's piano lesson your brother asked 'Mum, how does Santa come down if the house doesn't have a chimney?' He is lovely, he is seven and still believes in Santa. He talked about writing to Santa. So we will see. There is a post box in a cafe in our town for Santa's letters and the kids recieve letters back from Santa. How amazing is that?!

Mummy didn't know who Santa was till Mummy moved to Britain. She knew the Grandfather of Winter. He dressed the same as Santa. In Mongolia they celebrated New Year, not Christmas. Mummy loved it when your grandfather put the tree up. Your granny's pupils gave that tree as a present to Mummy when she was born. It's a tiny tree the size of a cat, probably. Mummy put the snow in front of it with your grandfather using cotton wool balls attaching them on strings.

Your brother and big sister were asking when we can put our tree up. Maybe another week or two. We will see. Mummy loves Christmas now. Your Daddy says that Mummy's gone crazy about Christmas considering someone who didn't know what it was until recently. Yes, Mummy will decorate the house with your siblings and put your toys out, too. You were home for Christmas even though you only lived for three months.

Mummy and Daddy's new room has velux windows which are on the roof. So it's so lovely when the sky is clear. Mummy looks at the stars and go to sleep having a twinkling thought about her little baby boy in the sky amongst the million stars. Good night baby boy. Love you loads. Mummy's bootiful baby boy. XXXXX 

Birthday boy

Hallo Billy Buuz. It is getting cold now and our extension work is almost done. Mummy and Daddy have been busy with painting the walls, putting floors down and hanging curtains. The house is looking much nicer now. Today we had some carpet down on the stairs and the landings.

We have been lighting candles for you and every day, yes, every day we talk about you, think about you and share little things with you. In fact there is a chocolate cupcake in front of your photo at the moment beside a lit candle.

On your birthday we went out for dinner. All of us. Your sisters, brother and Mummy and Daddy. We also went to the cemetery and lit candles and put flowers. Mummy went first with your baby sister. She sat on her blanket while Mummy put the candle and the flowers down on your grave. It was a cold and rainy day. Your little sister saw the sweeties on your grave and started saying 'yum, yum.' Jackie had left a packet of Jelly Tots for you. So we had some of that. She enjoyed some of it and we brought it back home with us. Your big brother helped himself with most of that. It's better that way, otherwise it would have attracted all sorts left open outside.

You would have been 3 this year and probably thinking of going to nursery or something. Mummy's brave little man you were. Mummy still pictures you enjoying your bath in Mummy's arms and your big brother and big sister all going 'awww.' Mummy thought Mummy was doing well handling her emotions, but it's unpredictable. It can start suddenly, anything can trigger Mummy's tears reminding you, making her miss you. Recently Mummy bumped into a nice nurse who looked after you just after you were born. She was always nice, so kind. That kind of profession needs people like her. Mummy thought it must be nice for them to see the babies they looked after if they lived. Growing taller and walking and talking.

 Ok, Mummy needs to stop now, she started to sniff and wiping her tears in anything she can see past the tears, baby. Night night, baby boy. Mummy's brightest star in the sky. Love you loads. Hope there is a place that I can meet you again. Somewhere in the middle of million stars. XXXXX

Why don't we grow more resilience?!

Hallo Billy Buuz? It's your birthday tomorrow. You would've been 3 years old. Exactly 3 years ago Mummy went for her check-up and all started from there. Now, we don't have you in our arms, noticing other children starting nursery, running around, talking and growing up. 

Mummy does not want to go on any more that we don't have you, instead Mummy is trying to leave something behind, do something worthwhile in memory of you. Mummy realised many people must have gone through similar situations and didn't have the chance to bring up stigma or stand up for themselves because of language issues, lack of knowledge and courage. Mummy is not saying Mummy has these all, all Mummy has is this drive to help people who are and who will face the same situation for years. Mummy comes across many obstacles challenging what Mummy is trying to. Mummy has to be clever and good at communicating with people even when she is angry inside.

 'Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. 
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Mummy keeps saying this to herself.  We would have still thought it's alright to have black slaves if that was the case. More resilience is not my excuse to stop the campaign we are planning to do. Mummy is not trying to 'clean' any language as another person commented. As you know Mummy is ambitious, but not that ambitious. Mummy is being prepared and it's a long way to reach what we want, but Mummy won't be satisfied until we do it. Another saying Mummy found recently was:

'It always seems impossible until its done.' Nelson Mandela

So we will keep going, Mummy will have to grow more thick skin not to ignore the situation but not to be wounded by unhelpful comments. Yes, why don't we grow more resilience towards cowardly comments?! 

Mummy is ranting a bit here, but Mummy's boy is there for Mummy. Do you know the interesting thing? Chinggis Khaan's birthday is the same as yours! Love you baby boy, Mummy's beautiful baby boy. XXXXXXX

A poem in Mongolian

Хүүгийн минь төрсөн өдөр 11 сарын 14. Энэ жил 3 нас хүрэх байлаа.

Талийгаач болсон хүнийг дурсдаггүй гэж нулимсийг минь ширгээнэ
Таг өөрийгөө барьчихвал тамаас ялгаа алгаа
Арван сар тээсэн үрээ авсанд оршуулснаа тодхон санана

Аргадаж намайг зөөллөхийг хүссэнээс алт мөнгийг би хүссэнгүй ээ

Сэвлэг үсийг нь үнэртэж энгэртээ наасан үр минь
Сэтгэл зүрхийг минь цочиртол хорвоогоос халиад явсаан
Сүүгээрээ амласан эх нь мөнхрүүлэхгүй юм бол
Сүм дуганд хичнээн мөргөөд яах юм бэ

Тийм ээ, миний хүү богино насалж
Тэнгэрийн элч шиг л ээждээ зурвас үлдээж
Тэмцэж босоод нэрийг нь ээж нь түүхэнд үлдээнэ
Тэрлэж, мэлмэрч, тэсч байж хүүдээ би очино

 

They say not to mention someone once they die

Then it'd be like in hell, suffocating

The day coffin replaced the baby basket

Dream turned into nightmare

The sun

The sun is out
The sky is clear
My heart is heavy
My baby boy isn't here.

A story that inspires Mummy

This story was put on Mummy's Facebook page by another mother who has a child with Down's syndrome. She said she values what Mummy is trying to do and this story reminds her of Mummy. 

One day, an old man was walking along the beach in the early morning and noticed the tide had washed thousands of starfish up on the shore. Up ahead in the distance he spotted a boy who appeared to be gathering up the starfish, and one by one tossing them back into the ocean.

He approached the boy and asked him why he spent so much energy doing what seemed to be a waste of time.

The boy replied,

"If these starfish are left out here like this they will bake in the sun, and by this afternoon they will all be dead."

The old man gazed out as far as he could see and responded, "But, there must be hundreds of miles of beach and thousands of starfish. You can't possibly rescue all of them. What difference is throwing a few back going to make anyway?"

The boy then held up the starfish he had in his hand and replied, "It's sure going to make a lot of difference to this one!

Exciting times ahead

Hallo Billy buuz. Mummy almost stopped writing the blog here. She means she wanted to write her diary but not as a blog. Then your Daddy was supportive and Mummy felt she can carry on, especially we have a lot on the go. The house extension work is almost done, we are painting and decorating ourselves. So we are very busy and tired too. You Daddy is working hard and putting the floor himself and Mummy turned into carpenter at times doing the scotia for a couple of rooms.

Your big sister turned 14 and she is a great help around the house and with your brother and little sister. Your baby sister is talking, well in her own way, mixed words in English and Mongolian. She can say Mummy, Daddy, yavya yavya (let's go in Mongolian) and buuvein buuvein (lullaby) meaning she wants to go to bed and have milk. She plays with your Teddy, she gives it cuddles and rocks it in her arms. Your Teddy is wearing your wristbands, the ones you were given from hospital when you were born. He moved with us downstairs into the new bedroom now and stays where he was, just above Mummy and Daddy's bed frame.

Mummy has been attending meetings with Down's Syndrome Scotland and we are definitely going ahead with the campaign on the term Mongol. Mummy is so pleased. We have another meeting next week, so it will be good to see how we will do it. Mummy has a lot of ideas and people have been keen to take part in different parts of the campaign. So it's all good.

Mummy and Daddy went to Down's Syndrome Scotland's fundraising dinner a couple of weeks ago. It was a lovely night, but we missed you and had to tell ourselves we had to control ourselves. It was a moving event. people would ask what our connection with Down's Syndrome Scotland was and of course we mention you and people don't expect that kind of answer. We had a nice meal and your Daddy won a bottle of champagne and a voucher for his favourite restaurant. Mummy was just telling him that she would love to win that prize for him when she saw it on the prize list. So there he was carrying the prize home. Maybe, our little angel sent that. We don't know, it just happened exactly how Mummy wished.

We haven't been to the cemetery as often as we used to go to. We have been lighting candles at home mostly. Your baby sister points at your photo and says Mama (meaning a baby in Mongolia) and we say it's Billy, you big brother. You two never met. Your baby sister will only know you from the stories and photos we have from you. Yes, it's so sad, but we will never forget you and you are in our hearts forever. Mummy is feeling quite tearful these days. You would have been 3 this November. Now it's that time again. mummy and Daddy start to notice other kids' birthdays and see them celebrating with candles on cakes and we light candles on your grave. Mummy's throat is almost suffocating because Mummy is trying not to cry and the emotions bursting to come out. Now it's almost midnight. Mummy can cry and wipe her tears in her dressing gown while others in bed. Mummy has a feeling that we will do what we want to do, because you are Mummy's baby boy and you made Mummy very brave. So she will raise awareness, go campaigning, make people think and understand and support. Yes, we will do it. Our book will get published, soon. We know it will. It would be good if it gets published around the time the campaign takes off.

Ok, beautiful baby boy, tiny tiny, little man, goodnight. Love you so much. Night night. XXXX

Back from Mongolia

Hallo Billy buuz. Mummy was away to Mongolia with your brother and sisters. Your daddy didn't go as we have our building work not finished. Still.

We had a good time seeing your emee and ovoo and other many many people. Your brother was surprised how many relatives we had. He had a chance to go on a horse. So did your little sister. Mummy has to say it took a while to get into normality there. Mummy would have no problem on her own, but going with three kids was not that easy. Saying that they were very good.

Mummy wanted to talk about you with people, but realised it's different over there. In Mongolia, people do not talk about people who passed away much. They don't even mention their names, instead they refer as the 'taliigaach' meaning the one who passed away. Mummy hadn't seen any of her relatives apart from your ovoo and Yeye since you passed away. So Mummy wanted to tell people about you and share her feelings. Your emee was better, because she knew you. She still believes that your death was not supposed to happen. That is true in some ways, unfortunately it did. We lost you.

Having your baby sister with us must have given people some kind of relief. It seems they were heartbroken for us and scared to mention you in case Mummy starts to cry. By the way, your great granny was lovely. She is in her 80's now and she had eleven children. She still looks good. She has no hair as it has been shaven for years. Mummy doesn't remember when she started shaving her hair and making herself bold 'preparing to die without dirt and sins.' It's a strange tradition. She used to wear hat in bed in winter nights. We would wind her up and she would laugh and tell us lots of fairy tales. This time, Mummy recorded her telling us Mummy's favourite story. The story title is The Boy with a Golden Chest and Silver Bottom. Do you remember? Mummy wrote a little story about you and called you exactly that. That story was published in the Scottish Family Legends book the day before your sister was born.

Mummy is trying not to cry, don't know why stopping it. Mummy misses you a lot. Every day, not a day passes by without missing you, remembering you, longing you and the hole in Mummy's heart will never be filled. One day, Mummy will meet you hopefully. Be there and show Mummy around, will you?

Ok, Mummy will tell you better news. The campaign Mummy was talking about is likely to happen. How great is that?! Down Syndrome Scotland is supporting us and happy to do it together. Also there is a very kind person who is very happy to help us in different ways. So baby, fingers crossed.

Oh, Mummy has forgotten to tell you. Mummy was on Mongolian national TV and two other channels C1 and Chanel 25. Mainly talking about the campaign and our book. Mummy needs to get on with the book now. Having your baby sister and the building work, Mongolia Mummy had to pause for a while.

OK, Mummy's brightest star in the sky, baby boy. Good night. Love you, baby. XXXXXX

Awards and more birthdays!

Hallo Billy Buuz. Well, baby boy we have had lots of exciting events for the last few weeks. Mummy went to London on 1 June.  It's a Mother and Children's day in Mongolia and Mummy went to London to attend awards ceremony. It was a combination of the two happy occasions. Mongolians in Europe were organising this event called 'Woman of the Year 2012' in London. Mummy was nominated for and award and got an award! How exciting! This is another one for you Mummy's babies and many who support us.

You can't believe it! Your baby sister is 1 now! We went to Edinburgh and celebrated with her godparents. We all had a lovely time, eating so much though. Karen cooks lovely meals and then we went out for lunch the next day. Your baby sister was so cute with her pigtails and smiling at everyone. She wasn't sure what to do with the candle, so Mummy helped her. We came home and put a piece of her birthday cake in front of your photo. Your big brother will have it later, probably. He is funny.

Your big sister is getting so tall, taller than Mummy. She's been nominated for an award too. We don't know what it is for or anything, it's the school award. So she must be doing well in something. We are pleased to hear it. Your big sister is a good girl, helps a lot and plays with her younger siblings.

We are going to Mongolia soon, just for a few weeks. Mummy is really looking forward to seeing your grandparents. The last time Mummy saw your Mongolian granny was when you were born and we saw your grandpa was your funeral. So it's been a while. Mummy is also looking forward to seeing her aunts, uncles, cousins and many friends. Yeah, it's a nice time just now. The extension is coming on and in fact we can see the builders building the roof just now.

Another nice thing is the Director of Down's Heart Group in London will have your name on her T-shirt when she is holding the olympic torch on 9 July. She is representing the Down Syndrome community around the world. So your name will be there amongst other people's names.

Baby boy, Billy buuz. Love you loads. Mummy's angel boy. Bye for now. XXX

Mummy and Daddy's birthdays

Hallo Billy Buuz. It's been very hot recently and we have been enjoying the sunshine. It was your Daddy's birthday last week and Mummy's this week. We both had a good time, spent our days with your brother and sisters. We also went to the cemetery and lit candles for you. We also put some birthday cake in front of your photo. Mummy was emotional on her birthday. It was just lovely surrounded by your sisters and brother. Your Daddy made a big fuss and gave Mummy a big bunch of roses. It was lovely, but Mummy missed you. Mummy looked at your photo and quietly missed you being here with us...

Yesterday, your brother spotted a beautiful butterfly and Mummy knew you were there, just saying hello and reminding Mummy that you were around. It was lovely. It's a simple thing, but Mummy loves it when we see any butterflies.

Your sister went for a sleepover recently and she had left a letter to your brother on his bed. So he read it when he went to bed. She had asked him to look after your sock that she keeps normally. That sock has your hair.

We have been busy with the building work and it is going well. So we will have a nice room for your baby sister. At the moment everybody is a bit cramped, but we'll get there soon. Mummy doesn't mind after all she grew up in a yurt.

Billy, Mummy misses you, but Mummy will do everything she can to raise awareness on the term Mongol and help people with learning difficulties and their families. Mummy has been experiencing many obstacles. Some people think Mongol means a disfigured child, some people think Mongol means stupid, some people think Mongol means Down syndrome when it only means Mongolian as a nationality. Mummy thinks it's time to change that, don't you think? Mummy knows you are there and Mummy is doing exactly what she said she would do. Remember, people will remember you, Mummy's baby boy. Mummy's baby boy changed Mummy forever. Mummy became brave and can speak for people who can't talk about social stigma, injustice and human rights. Well, Mummy was told that the world does not lack her input. Well, it does, because we all matter, because Mummy does not want your brother and sisters and other many young people feel ashamed to be Mongolian or feel hurt when someone nasty calls anyone Mongol. We can do it baby. We can. Good night, baby boy. Love you. XXXX

The house

Hi Billy, who's mama's good baby boy?! We are very busy with the extension and attic work started. The house has a hole on top and they put the window frame on at the moment. So the house is cold and messy. But we are very excited as there's a change every day. The house you knew is changing into bigger one with more rooms. You know your Mummy grew up in a ger, so it's a bit too much for Mummy. But hey, who's complaining. :) Mummy is busy with different things as usual. Mummy met another mother who has a son with cerebral palsy. She is lovely and we set up a secret group for other Mongolian parents with disabled children. The group is on Facebook. The group is called Хайр Бялхсан Гэр in Mongolian, meaning a house that is overflowing with love. We thought this group would provide a help and support for parents and family members psychologically and emotionally. We definitely needed that kind of help. Mummy and Daddy and your big sister still go to the cemetery and light candles. Yesterday, Mummy went there on her own. It was a teary time, Mummy swallawed and swallwed her tears and it kept coming out. Then had to let it run. Mummy tries not to cry at your grave. Mummy remembers the poem saying:


Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

  Mummy is going to London soon to attend a big awards ceremony. This is for Mongolian women who live in Europe and have done good things for others or raised Mongolian profile in the West. The Mongolian Honorary Consul in Scotland and the Scottish Mongolian friendship society people are supporting Mummy and another woman from Scotland. It's very nice of them. Mummy is happy that the term 'Mongol' will be talked about and mentioned there. Also people will find out what Down syndrome is if they don't already know. So it is a good step to raise awareness. Mummy is also looking forward to meeting inspiring people at this ceremony and a Mongolian singer Jargalsaikhan singing, too. Mummy hasn't really been to any events like this since Mummy moved to Britain. Jackie is coming with me. Isn't she great?! Difficult times and happy times, she is there. Mummy's friend and your Godmother. Your baby sister is asleep now, in her car seat in the dining room. The builders are making so much noise, drilling, cutting, hammering and talking. So she couldn't sleep in her cot. She is the one most affected by the work not having naps. After all, we are making a room for her. So she'll have to put up with it. :)
 She is learning to stand and started to babble and copy words and sounds now. She is at that great stage. Mummy doesn't take your baby sister to parent and toddlers' group much. Mummy and Daddy are scared she would get all sorts of colds and infections. We want her to grow and become a bit bigger to fight any germs. After you, we are scared. Oh, this is good Billy buuz. Mummy feels so much better writing to you. Mummy's lovely boy. Mummy wishes she could kiss you one more time. The gravestone is not you, Mummy kissed your name a few times, but it's not you cold and still. Mummy's boy is in our hearts, warm and alive. Missing you baby. Love you baby boy. XXXX

Mama's beautiful baby boy

Hallo Billy buuz. Hallo baby boy. Mummy has been busy, infact we were all very busy. The extension work is starting soon. So mummy and daddy were getting ready for the work. It will be great once the work is done, but before that there will be chaos in the house. It will be worth it though. Mummy was saying to you inside herself 'Mama's bootiful, bootiful baba.' That's right, that's how Mummy calls you all. All day, Mummy spends the day calling your baby sister 'Booty queen' and 'Beautiful, bootiful.' she will be a year old soon. Can you believe it?! Mummy is very pleased that Mummy's one tweet started a conversation and even made something important happen in history of Mongolian Down Syndrome association. Mummy prepared a talk with the chair of the association and she did a talk at TEDxUlaanbaatar Change event. Mummy is so pleased. Billy, this is you. This is all happening because of you, baby. Mummy remembers picking up the trophy in March. The trophy is for the book which is being written in memory of you. When Mummy was told our book had won the first place Mummy felt this urge of crying missing you and you made that happen, but Mummy held onto her tears and instead enjoyed the success. People kept saying 'You don't realise how well you've done.' Mummy was very pleased, but Mummy was grateful that someone, some people saw the important message in our book and valued it. So baby boy, as many of Mummy's friends said 'This is just the beginning.' We will do many good things and change attitudes and challenge stigma. Mummy's bootiful baba, goodnight. Love you, love you, love you. Billy buuz, baby boy. XXX

Newspaper Article

SHE’S been through every mother’s worst nightmare.
But brave Uugana Ramsay is turning her tragedy into triumph.
For the hardworking mum-of-three has bagged a top trophy for her story about her baby – and the book isn’t even finished yet. Read more on
Mummy's Trophy story in Ayrshire Post

Burhan orshoog

God bless. Mummy started this blog with this phrase today because Mummy just read another little girl passed away on the other side of the Atlantic ocean. Mummy will light a candle now. Mummy feels for her family, her mother, father and the siblings.

Mummy was Skyping today to Mongolia speaking to the head of Down syndrome Association in Mongolia. Twitter is a good thing. Mummy only contacted the person who organises these TEDx talks in Ulaanbaatar a month ago or so and suggested someone did a talk on Down syndrome and the term Mongol. They were fantastic and agreed to do it and even put Mummy in touch with Down syndrome Association there. So this morning we prepared the talk.

Ok, baby boy Mummy needs to go and help your big sister. She has been looking after your baby sister and now she wants to cook. How clever is she?!

We went to the cemetery earlier and put candles. Bless you baby boy, good night. Love you. XXX

Patience

Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop...

My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience...

I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me...

(Take That Patience lyrics)

This song sums up how Mummy feels. Mummy has found something to concentrate on constructively, instead of depressing and negative thoughts. But, but sometimes, it's not often but sometimes Mummy cries. She cries wiping her tears in her blue Mongolian deel sleeves and writes. She gets frustrated that her little boy left lying in the ground in the cold, in a dark place. All Mummy can do now is to write and hopefully influence some people who are using or misusing the term 'Mongol.'

Mummy was even told by someone recently that Mummy looks as if she has Down Syndrome because Mummy is Mongolian. He said 'Yes, the flat face!' Oh I know he didn't mean to hurt or offend Mummy he says. Do you know that was his ignorance and he was blind to it. He believes what he was saying.

Do you know what?! This British Dr John Langdan Down who lived in 1800s made up this term just based on his opinion, in his opinion, in his opinion. Yeah, let's just call these idiots 'Mongols.' They are not as superior as we are.
Now the consequence is the whole world is misusing the word Mongol. It frustrates Mummy. Now Mummy is really determined to 'change the world' not to use this term. Yes, change the world. It will change the world of many people including people with Down Syndrome, their relatives, friends and Mongolians. Mongolians don't have to feel confused about it, they don't have to feel uncomfortable about it, they need to know about it and challenge these ignorant people. Ok, Billy sorry baby, Mummy is just writing how she is today. She had enough of walking on egg shells, she had enough of people being 'polite' and not to offend others by challenging these ignorant people. Mummy'll end today's blog with this quote.

'In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.'
Martin Luther King, Jr.

A trophy!

Hallo Billy Buuz

We have won a trophy! Mummy went to the Scottish Association of Writers' Conference yesterday and your book, our book Mongol came first in the non-fiction book category. So we have a trophy in the house now. The trophy is called Janetta Bowie Chalice. Mummy put it beside your picture on the mantelpiece. Mummy is going to put the photo here. This is for you. You made Mummy to write and be determined.

Last few days have been very busy. Yesterday, Mummy went to London to get your brother, sisters and you registered at the embassy. Ella was not well either, she is teething and has a cold. She is getting better now. So you can imagine, your Mummy and Daddy walking round half asleep. Anyway, we are so chuffed and Mummy's dream of getting our book published is a few steps closer now. Bye just now, baby boy. Love you always and forever. XXX

How do you cope?

Hallo Billy. Mummy started this blog post a while ago and keeps coming back and then something happens and not finishing it.

How do you cope? How do you get up in the morning? These are the questions we are asked a lot. Mummy and Daddy have to get on with our lives and look after your siblings. We don't want your brother and sisters to remember sad childhood. We know they always remember you and talk about you, we will never forget about you. At the same time, we want them to enjoy their childhood just like other kids. You would want that too. You would want us to be happy and do well.

After all everyone has their problems, sadness and they have to find ways to cope, manage their feelings. Mummy noticed life is more meaningful if you live for others. It does not mean you tell people that. You help and support people who need that little support. You might be surprised how it makes you feel. Mummy heard someone on the radio talking about heaven and hell. The story was: In hell people were struggling because they were trying to feed themselves with very long spoons. In heaven they had the same spoons only they were feeding each other and they were happy. Mummy likes that story a lot. It says so much about happiness, support and friendship. Mummy told your brother and big sister that story. Your brother was very interested and it made him think. Now he gives the bigger piece of chocolate or anything he likes, he offers it to the other person. He is going through exploring age. The other day he asked 'What does selfish mean, Mum?' Mummy explained and he said he doesn't like the word selfish and he wants to be kind.

Uh-uh your baby sister is waking up now. She has been a good girl. She loves her food, she started feeding herself. It's funny though half of the food is on the carpet and half on her face. We'll get there.

Billy buuz, baby boy. We love you. The anniversary of your death is on Friday. Mongolian New Year is on Wednesday. Mummy and Daddy might give it a miss this year. It's a bit close to your anniversary. We will see some friends and have a modest time. Mummy and Daddy can feel our hearts becoming heavier as the day approaches. But what did Mummy say in the beginning? We have to get on with our lives, we will never ever stop loving you and light candles for you. Our beautiful baby boy.

Mummy wrote about you in a magazine for additional support needs and the link is here. It's called Three Months into Forever.

Emptiness

Hallo Billy. Mummy sat here for a while for the first time not sure how to start the blog post. It feels like writing a poem, perhaps in Mongolian, maybe in English. Mummy's thought went through the events of remembering you and sighing without knowing herself. Every time a toddler runs past Mummy remembers you. You should've been running round just like that. Maybe not. We didn't know how much the brain damage was going to affect you. Your brother still as always puts his sweeties infront of your photo. The other day we were in a shop and he grabbed a hat and wanted to buy it for you. Mummy had to say 'I know son, unfortunately Billy is not here to wear it.' Mummy quickly pushed Ella in her pram and walked away changing the subject. Just like that, you are with us. It's a nice feeling, but Mummy feels there is always something, someone, you... missing from everything...

It's a very windy winter this year. Not much snow, in fact we haven't seen any snow here at all. The year you were born, it had the most snow in years. Tough winter it was. Everywhere.

Mummy wants to do more on raising awareness of Down Syndrome and the term Mongol. Something to make people think and change attitude. It might just be a word for some, but it's a word that represents a lot.
Mummy started to teach Creative Writing to some people who experienced homelessness. One of them said: Oh, it's awful. How would we feel if they decide to call a cancer or something serious Scots or English as our nationalities.

Well, she has a point. We'll see. Mummy is thinking, writing, blogging, tweeting and of course living with our every day life. Ella is sleeping better at night, but she still wakes up at night. Do you know what?! Mummy does not mind. She is healthy, she is a baby. Mummy loves cuddling her, dancing with her from room to room, singing. Oh talking about singing, she is a loud one. She might become a singer, you know. She loves babbling aloud. Sometimes we can't hear each other because she is so loud. She's just happy, that's all.

Your big sister is in Paris on a school trip. How lucky is she?! She will be back in two days. You brother is already counting the days. She had left a lovely note in your brother's bed. So when he went to bed there it was waiting for him. They love each other, it's lovely. We know they have their moments, but hey who doesn't!

Mummy feels like something big is about to happen soon. Well, let's hope it does. Something good and big. Billy Buuz, night night red haired boy. Mummy wishes she could sniff your head one more time, just one more time. Your Teddy is still on our bed headboard. Mummy is not going to wash it ever, that top is the only thing we have you worn and left as it was. Who would've known you were going to eave us so soon? Night, baby. XXXXXX Love you.

2012 - A New Year

Hallo Billy Buuz

Christmas and New Year is almost over. We had a quiet Christmas. Just the five of us. Your sisters, brother, Daddy and Mummy. Daddy got you all your advent calendars. Yours was the one with reindeers and Santa. Ella's was the one with Peppa Pig. Your brother was good at making sure he shared yours. He would put some of his and yours in front of your photo and then he would eat them. So you had a row of chocolates of different shapes and sizes in front of your photo. We light candles beside your photos on the mantelpiece, too. Mummy is trying to enjoy your brother and sisters but we miss you very much. Today is the first of the new year and Mummy was feeling uneasy and teary. Mummy's Billy buuz will never come home doesn't matter how much we try to cope in different ways.

Mummy hopes that this new year will bring many good things. We might have a nice extension to the house and Daddy says we might name one of the rooms after you.

Also Mummy really wants the book published. So fingers crossed, baby boy. We will see.

Mummy is trying hard not to cry while writing this. Learning to hold her tears somehow, but not sure if it's healthy though. Your Daddy used to say 'Having fun?' in the early days. We both knew what he meant. Mummy would sit there behind the laptop with mountain of tissues and red eyes, sniffing. Now Mummy is busy with Ella and she makes Mummy smile a lot. Sometimes, it's unbelievable that she is here. Mummy feels like pinching herself to realise she is here and she is real. She looks like you so much, people comment on it. Her blonde hair with blue grey eyes compare to Mummy's oriental looks.

Once this woman on a train was looking at Mummy and then Ella, checking who is who. It was funny. Similar to you really. Mummy would turn up at hospital beside your bed and the nurses looked after you on the day wondered who Mummy was.

On Christmas day, Daddy and your brother went to your grave and put candles on and then Mummy and your big sister went and lit more candles. It was wild and windy. So Ella stayed at home, besides she had a bit of a cold. Mummy and Daddy feel we can't be the same any more. Any little cold or cough Mummy starts to think all sorts. Losing you made Mummy think human life is so so fragile.

Oh, great news to tell you is your Mongolian granny was awarded with a big award for her work. We are so impressed by this. Your granny deserves it. She always worked hard at teaching and working in the social and educational field in the country in Mongolia. She is writing a book too. Her book will be published very soon. See, your Mummy has a great role model. So 2012 should be a BOOK year for us.

Mummy's red haired angel, baby boy, beautiful boy. Love you so much. Nothing in the world would ever mend that broken holes in our hearts. Mummy will work on the mission you had and help many through writing. Goodnight, Billy. XXXXX

Radio interviews

Hello mummy's duckling! Mummy wishes she could grab you and hold you tight and kiss you on your head and everywhere. Mummy misses you but we are getting on with our life as well as we could. Mummy's looking after your baby sister and writing, doing talks on culture, motivation, grief and even going to teach Creative Writing soon. Mummy believes the year 2012 will be a good year. Most importantly we will publish our book. Isn't Mummy optimistic?! Och you know her, doesn't like giving up.

Eddy has been a good support and as you know he interviewed Mummy for his radio show. So Mummy managed to put some interviews on her blog thanks to your Daddy.

Your Daddy is away for work. Not long, only for a few days but your big brother was in tears. Since he went away every day we hear from him few times. (Your wee sister is crying...)

Back now. Yes, she is already 6 months now and recognises people and kind of hard leaving her with other people. Of course, Mummy loves that because she is happy with Mummy. Mummy and Daddy are trying to let her get used to people and also your Daddy thinks Mummy needs a break. Sometimes she is with a childminder or Jackie. Your baby sis looks so like you.

There were some clothes in the attic for babies from your brother and Jackie's children. Mummy remembers sorting them by age before you were born. These clothes are for 6-9 month old babies. Shame you never had the chance to wear them. The colour blue jumped infront of Mummy's eyes reminding me of you. Blue for boys and pink for girls... It would have been hard if your baby sister was a boy.

She is just lovely, she really is a good girl. Otherwise Mummy wouldn't have managed to do so much in general. Well, saying that your big sister is a great help and your Daddy and Mummy know what they are doing by now with babies I guess. She is a happy baby. Every time Mummy thinks all four of you Mummy feels the richest person in the world. Mummy's ducklings Mummy calls you all. Today we went shopping to get your wee sister a high chair, she started to eat proper food now. Mummy was calling your sisters and brother Mummy's ducklings... missing you inside. Love you baby boy. Billy Buuz Mummy's baby duckling. XXXXX