Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Patience

Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop...

My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience...

I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me...

(Take That Patience lyrics)

This song sums up how Mummy feels. Mummy has found something to concentrate on constructively, instead of depressing and negative thoughts. But, but sometimes, it's not often but sometimes Mummy cries. She cries wiping her tears in her blue Mongolian deel sleeves and writes. She gets frustrated that her little boy left lying in the ground in the cold, in a dark place. All Mummy can do now is to write and hopefully influence some people who are using or misusing the term 'Mongol.'

Mummy was even told by someone recently that Mummy looks as if she has Down Syndrome because Mummy is Mongolian. He said 'Yes, the flat face!' Oh I know he didn't mean to hurt or offend Mummy he says. Do you know that was his ignorance and he was blind to it. He believes what he was saying.

Do you know what?! This British Dr John Langdan Down who lived in 1800s made up this term just based on his opinion, in his opinion, in his opinion. Yeah, let's just call these idiots 'Mongols.' They are not as superior as we are.
Now the consequence is the whole world is misusing the word Mongol. It frustrates Mummy. Now Mummy is really determined to 'change the world' not to use this term. Yes, change the world. It will change the world of many people including people with Down Syndrome, their relatives, friends and Mongolians. Mongolians don't have to feel confused about it, they don't have to feel uncomfortable about it, they need to know about it and challenge these ignorant people. Ok, Billy sorry baby, Mummy is just writing how she is today. She had enough of walking on egg shells, she had enough of people being 'polite' and not to offend others by challenging these ignorant people. Mummy'll end today's blog with this quote.

'In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.'
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Monday, 20 February 2012

How do you cope?

Hallo Billy. Mummy started this blog post a while ago and keeps coming back and then something happens and not finishing it.

How do you cope? How do you get up in the morning? These are the questions we are asked a lot. Mummy and Daddy have to get on with our lives and look after your siblings. We don't want your brother and sisters to remember sad childhood. We know they always remember you and talk about you, we will never forget about you. At the same time, we want them to enjoy their childhood just like other kids. You would want that too. You would want us to be happy and do well.

After all everyone has their problems, sadness and they have to find ways to cope, manage their feelings. Mummy noticed life is more meaningful if you live for others. It does not mean you tell people that. You help and support people who need that little support. You might be surprised how it makes you feel. Mummy heard someone on the radio talking about heaven and hell. The story was: In hell people were struggling because they were trying to feed themselves with very long spoons. In heaven they had the same spoons only they were feeding each other and they were happy. Mummy likes that story a lot. It says so much about happiness, support and friendship. Mummy told your brother and big sister that story. Your brother was very interested and it made him think. Now he gives the bigger piece of chocolate or anything he likes, he offers it to the other person. He is going through exploring age. The other day he asked 'What does selfish mean, Mum?' Mummy explained and he said he doesn't like the word selfish and he wants to be kind.

Uh-uh your baby sister is waking up now. She has been a good girl. She loves her food, she started feeding herself. It's funny though half of the food is on the carpet and half on her face. We'll get there.

Billy buuz, baby boy. We love you. The anniversary of your death is on Friday. Mongolian New Year is on Wednesday. Mummy and Daddy might give it a miss this year. It's a bit close to your anniversary. We will see some friends and have a modest time. Mummy and Daddy can feel our hearts becoming heavier as the day approaches. But what did Mummy say in the beginning? We have to get on with our lives, we will never ever stop loving you and light candles for you. Our beautiful baby boy.

Mummy wrote about you in a magazine for additional support needs and the link is here. It's called Three Months into Forever.

Monday, 23 January 2012

Emptiness

Hallo Billy. Mummy sat here for a while for the first time not sure how to start the blog post. It feels like writing a poem, perhaps in Mongolian, maybe in English. Mummy's thought went through the events of remembering you and sighing without knowing herself. Every time a toddler runs past Mummy remembers you. You should've been running round just like that. Maybe not. We didn't know how much the brain damage was going to affect you. Your brother still as always puts his sweeties infront of your photo. The other day we were in a shop and he grabbed a hat and wanted to buy it for you. Mummy had to say 'I know son, unfortunately Billy is not here to wear it.' Mummy quickly pushed Ella in her pram and walked away changing the subject. Just like that, you are with us. It's a nice feeling, but Mummy feels there is always something, someone, you... missing from everything...

It's a very windy winter this year. Not much snow, in fact we haven't seen any snow here at all. The year you were born, it had the most snow in years. Tough winter it was. Everywhere.

Mummy wants to do more on raising awareness of Down Syndrome and the term Mongol. Something to make people think and change attitude. It might just be a word for some, but it's a word that represents a lot.
Mummy started to teach Creative Writing to some people who experienced homelessness. One of them said: Oh, it's awful. How would we feel if they decide to call a cancer or something serious Scots or English as our nationalities.

Well, she has a point. We'll see. Mummy is thinking, writing, blogging, tweeting and of course living with our every day life. Ella is sleeping better at night, but she still wakes up at night. Do you know what?! Mummy does not mind. She is healthy, she is a baby. Mummy loves cuddling her, dancing with her from room to room, singing. Oh talking about singing, she is a loud one. She might become a singer, you know. She loves babbling aloud. Sometimes we can't hear each other because she is so loud. She's just happy, that's all.

Your big sister is in Paris on a school trip. How lucky is she?! She will be back in two days. You brother is already counting the days. She had left a lovely note in your brother's bed. So when he went to bed there it was waiting for him. They love each other, it's lovely. We know they have their moments, but hey who doesn't!

Mummy feels like something big is about to happen soon. Well, let's hope it does. Something good and big. Billy Buuz, night night red haired boy. Mummy wishes she could sniff your head one more time, just one more time. Your Teddy is still on our bed headboard. Mummy is not going to wash it ever, that top is the only thing we have you worn and left as it was. Who would've known you were going to eave us so soon? Night, baby. XXXXXX Love you.

Sunday, 1 January 2012

2012 - A New Year

Hallo Billy Buuz

Christmas and New Year is almost over. We had a quiet Christmas. Just the five of us. Your sisters, brother, Daddy and Mummy. Daddy got you all your advent calendars. Yours was the one with reindeers and Santa. Ella's was the one with Peppa Pig. Your brother was good at making sure he shared yours. He would put some of his and yours in front of your photo and then he would eat them. So you had a row of chocolates of different shapes and sizes in front of your photo. We light candles beside your photos on the mantelpiece, too. Mummy is trying to enjoy your brother and sisters but we miss you very much. Today is the first of the new year and Mummy was feeling uneasy and teary. Mummy's Billy buuz will never come home doesn't matter how much we try to cope in different ways.

Mummy hopes that this new year will bring many good things. We might have a nice extension to the house and Daddy says we might name one of the rooms after you.

Also Mummy really wants the book published. So fingers crossed, baby boy. We will see.

Mummy is trying hard not to cry while writing this. Learning to hold her tears somehow, but not sure if it's healthy though. Your Daddy used to say 'Having fun?' in the early days. We both knew what he meant. Mummy would sit there behind the laptop with mountain of tissues and red eyes, sniffing. Now Mummy is busy with Ella and she makes Mummy smile a lot. Sometimes, it's unbelievable that she is here. Mummy feels like pinching herself to realise she is here and she is real. She looks like you so much, people comment on it. Her blonde hair with blue grey eyes compare to Mummy's oriental looks.

Once this woman on a train was looking at Mummy and then Ella, checking who is who. It was funny. Similar to you really. Mummy would turn up at hospital beside your bed and the nurses looked after you on the day wondered who Mummy was.

On Christmas day, Daddy and your brother went to your grave and put candles on and then Mummy and your big sister went and lit more candles. It was wild and windy. So Ella stayed at home, besides she had a bit of a cold. Mummy and Daddy feel we can't be the same any more. Any little cold or cough Mummy starts to think all sorts. Losing you made Mummy think human life is so so fragile.

Oh, great news to tell you is your Mongolian granny was awarded with a big award for her work. We are so impressed by this. Your granny deserves it. She always worked hard at teaching and working in the social and educational field in the country in Mongolia. She is writing a book too. Her book will be published very soon. See, your Mummy has a great role model. So 2012 should be a BOOK year for us.

Mummy's red haired angel, baby boy, beautiful boy. Love you so much. Nothing in the world would ever mend that broken holes in our hearts. Mummy will work on the mission you had and help many through writing. Goodnight, Billy. XXXXX

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Radio interviews

Hello mummy's duckling! Mummy wishes she could grab you and hold you tight and kiss you on your head and everywhere. Mummy misses you but we are getting on with our life as well as we could. Mummy's looking after your baby sister and writing, doing talks on culture, motivation, grief and even going to teach Creative Writing soon. Mummy believes the year 2012 will be a good year. Most importantly we will publish our book. Isn't Mummy optimistic?! Och you know her, doesn't like giving up.

Eddy has been a good support and as you know he interviewed Mummy for his radio show. So Mummy managed to put some interviews on her blog thanks to your Daddy.

Your Daddy is away for work. Not long, only for a few days but your big brother was in tears. Since he went away every day we hear from him few times. (Your wee sister is crying...)

Back now. Yes, she is already 6 months now and recognises people and kind of hard leaving her with other people. Of course, Mummy loves that because she is happy with Mummy. Mummy and Daddy are trying to let her get used to people and also your Daddy thinks Mummy needs a break. Sometimes she is with a childminder or Jackie. Your baby sis looks so like you.

There were some clothes in the attic for babies from your brother and Jackie's children. Mummy remembers sorting them by age before you were born. These clothes are for 6-9 month old babies. Shame you never had the chance to wear them. The colour blue jumped infront of Mummy's eyes reminding me of you. Blue for boys and pink for girls... It would have been hard if your baby sister was a boy.

She is just lovely, she really is a good girl. Otherwise Mummy wouldn't have managed to do so much in general. Well, saying that your big sister is a great help and your Daddy and Mummy know what they are doing by now with babies I guess. She is a happy baby. Every time Mummy thinks all four of you Mummy feels the richest person in the world. Mummy's ducklings Mummy calls you all. Today we went shopping to get your wee sister a high chair, she started to eat proper food now. Mummy was calling your sisters and brother Mummy's ducklings... missing you inside. Love you baby boy. Billy Buuz Mummy's baby duckling. XXXXX

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

2 years on

Hallo Billy. Mummy's golden haired angel. Mummy has been thinking about writing here for a while. Ella is a good smiley girl, but she started weaning now and she is hungry at night and wakes up more than she used to. So that means Mummy is sleepy too. :-) But do you know Mummy is happy with that, she is fine, healthy nothing to worry about apart from general baby stuff. That is happiness. Mummy started givig talks to different groups and some of the topics involve about you. Mummy wonders if she should just let you go, but at the same time you were here for different reasons. If Mummy doesn't do these talks people might not know what Down's Syndrome is, or other mummies and daddies might feel lonely if they lost their babies too. So Mummy will carry on and do whatever people think or however difficult it is for Mummy.

Yesterday, Mummy spoke to a group of 17 year olds. They were teenagers, just like any teens. Mummy talked about Buddhism and how religion looks at suffering. On the way back, Mummy went to the cemetery lit candles and cleaned the gravestone. Then Mummy started crying, it was hard talking about you, but Mummy didn't show anyone any tears. But at the cemetery, this man with his toddler appeared, walking home. You would have been exactly like that girl. Mummy burst into tears, there is me picking up the dead flowers on your grave and this child toddling along...

Life is strange. Mummy appreciate yor brother and sisters, of course. But we will always miss you. Mummy's best baby boy. Billy buuz, silly Billy, tiny Billy, love you so much.

Mummy will be fine, she has to. She'll rise above it and will have a book in memory of her beautiful baby Billy. You keep watching and Mummy will see you when it's time. Every night the brightest star in the sky reminds me of you. My lovely boy. XXX

Monday, 14 November 2011

Happy 2nd Birthday, Billy!

You are my baby boy, my beautiful baby boy

Why was your visit so short?

Was it the water that

washed your golden hair?

Was it the wind

blew on your perfect face?

Why was your visit so short?

Was it the timing

you were born?

Was it the tantrums

you saw in life?

Why was your visit so short?

Did you have a mission

to complete?

Did you have a message

to deliver?

Why was your visit so short?

Do you know Mummy sang to you

holding your hand?

Do you know Daddy sat with you

holding your head?

Why was your visit so short?

Do you remember your sister

dressed you beautifully?

Do you recall your brother

guarded you bravely?

Why was your

visit so short?

Do you know you have

a baby sister now?

Do you know she

looks just like you?

Mummy’s beautiful baby boy

You will always be in our hearts forever

Mummy

If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again. -Author Unknown

Monday, 17 October 2011

On the radio

Hallo Billy. It was a wintery day today, but we had a good day. The schools are on holiday and your big sister and brother are off school. Ella is doing well, she is almost rolling over. She is at that cute stage, smiling all the time and getting chubbier every day.

Last Friday, Mummy was on 3TFM radio talking about you and read her poem Mongol. There was a little girl about 7 called Emma. Emma has Down's syndrome and she was really lovely. She got her photo taken with Mummy, leaning against Mummy putting her head against Mummy's head. Mummy missed you. You could have, should have been here with us. And there were people from Sainsbury's store supporting Down's Syndrome Scotland. One of them is called Billy. Mummy liked him, because he is Billy, like my baby boy. Mummy misses you so much. Eddy the radio presenter asked if Mummy was ok to talk about you before Mummy spoke on air. Mummy is ok, more than ok. Mummy is fuelled with energy and determination to do things in memeory of her little baby boy. So Mummy read her poem and felt stronger for doing it and wanted to support others who are in the same situation. Mummy knows why Eddy asked that because in one of the previous interview Mummy paused. The reason was Mummy always finds it hard to say how many children Mummy has. Of course you will always be Mummy's baby and Mummy will say that. Sometimes, people ask more showing an interest and ask how old you all are. Then Mummy gets a bit puzzled because Mummy thinks you are 3 months old all the time. But you would have been 2 this November. Mummy is a bit anxious about your birthday approaching. Another month, then that's it.
We all went to a friends' boy's birthday party last weekend. It was his 2nd birthday. He was so cute, running round, playing, talking... As he blew the two candles on his cake Mummy thought of you, this sudden rush of tears filled Mummy, but they stayed in. Mummy can control herself to certain extent now. So it's good.

It's almost midnight now. Mummy seems to write about this time most days. This writing bug caught her to write and talk about you and many other life's important things. So baby Billy, bye for now. We are all well. Love you, love you, love you. Night my baby. XXXXX