The sun is out
The sky is clear
My heart is heavy
My baby boy isn't here.
Billy
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
A story that inspires Mummy
This story was put on Mummy's Facebook page by another mother who has a child with Down's syndrome. She said she values what Mummy is trying to do and this story reminds her of Mummy.
One day, an old man was walking along the beach in the early morning and noticed the tide had washed thousands of starfish up on the shore. Up ahead in the distance he spotted a boy who appeared to be gathering up the starfish, and one by one tossing them back into the ocean.
He approached the boy and asked him why he spent so much energy doing what seemed to be a waste of time.
The boy replied,
"If these starfish are left out here like this they will bake in the sun, and by this afternoon they will all be dead."
The old man gazed out as far as he could see and responded, "But, there must be hundreds of miles of beach and thousands of starfish. You can't possibly rescue all of them. What difference is throwing a few back going to make anyway?"
The boy then held up the starfish he had in his hand and replied, "It's sure going to make a lot of difference to this one!
One day, an old man was walking along the beach in the early morning and noticed the tide had washed thousands of starfish up on the shore. Up ahead in the distance he spotted a boy who appeared to be gathering up the starfish, and one by one tossing them back into the ocean.
He approached the boy and asked him why he spent so much energy doing what seemed to be a waste of time.
The boy replied,
"If these starfish are left out here like this they will bake in the sun, and by this afternoon they will all be dead."
The old man gazed out as far as he could see and responded, "But, there must be hundreds of miles of beach and thousands of starfish. You can't possibly rescue all of them. What difference is throwing a few back going to make anyway?"
The boy then held up the starfish he had in his hand and replied, "It's sure going to make a lot of difference to this one!
Exciting times ahead
Hallo Billy buuz. Mummy almost stopped writing the blog here. She means she wanted to write her diary but not as a blog. Then your Daddy was supportive and Mummy felt she can carry on, especially we have a lot on the go. The house extension work is almost done, we are painting and decorating ourselves. So we are very busy and tired too. You Daddy is working hard and putting the floor himself and Mummy turned into carpenter at times doing the scotia for a couple of rooms.
Your big sister turned 14 and she is a great help around the house and with your brother and little sister. Your baby sister is talking, well in her own way, mixed words in English and Mongolian. She can say Mummy, Daddy, yavya yavya (let's go in Mongolian) and buuvein buuvein (lullaby) meaning she wants to go to bed and have milk. She plays with your Teddy, she gives it cuddles and rocks it in her arms. Your Teddy is wearing your wristbands, the ones you were given from hospital when you were born. He moved with us downstairs into the new bedroom now and stays where he was, just above Mummy and Daddy's bed frame.
Mummy has been attending meetings with Down's Syndrome Scotland and we are definitely going ahead with the campaign on the term Mongol. Mummy is so pleased. We have another meeting next week, so it will be good to see how we will do it. Mummy has a lot of ideas and people have been keen to take part in different parts of the campaign. So it's all good.
Mummy and Daddy went to Down's Syndrome Scotland's fundraising dinner a couple of weeks ago. It was a lovely night, but we missed you and had to tell ourselves we had to control ourselves. It was a moving event. people would ask what our connection with Down's Syndrome Scotland was and of course we mention you and people don't expect that kind of answer. We had a nice meal and your Daddy won a bottle of champagne and a voucher for his favourite restaurant. Mummy was just telling him that she would love to win that prize for him when she saw it on the prize list. So there he was carrying the prize home. Maybe, our little angel sent that. We don't know, it just happened exactly how Mummy wished.
We haven't been to the cemetery as often as we used to go to. We have been lighting candles at home mostly. Your baby sister points at your photo and says Mama (meaning a baby in Mongolia) and we say it's Billy, you big brother. You two never met. Your baby sister will only know you from the stories and photos we have from you. Yes, it's so sad, but we will never forget you and you are in our hearts forever. Mummy is feeling quite tearful these days. You would have been 3 this November. Now it's that time again. mummy and Daddy start to notice other kids' birthdays and see them celebrating with candles on cakes and we light candles on your grave. Mummy's throat is almost suffocating because Mummy is trying not to cry and the emotions bursting to come out. Now it's almost midnight. Mummy can cry and wipe her tears in her dressing gown while others in bed. Mummy has a feeling that we will do what we want to do, because you are Mummy's baby boy and you made Mummy very brave. So she will raise awareness, go campaigning, make people think and understand and support. Yes, we will do it. Our book will get published, soon. We know it will. It would be good if it gets published around the time the campaign takes off.
Ok, beautiful baby boy, tiny tiny, little man, goodnight. Love you so much. Night night. XXXX
Your big sister turned 14 and she is a great help around the house and with your brother and little sister. Your baby sister is talking, well in her own way, mixed words in English and Mongolian. She can say Mummy, Daddy, yavya yavya (let's go in Mongolian) and buuvein buuvein (lullaby) meaning she wants to go to bed and have milk. She plays with your Teddy, she gives it cuddles and rocks it in her arms. Your Teddy is wearing your wristbands, the ones you were given from hospital when you were born. He moved with us downstairs into the new bedroom now and stays where he was, just above Mummy and Daddy's bed frame.
Mummy has been attending meetings with Down's Syndrome Scotland and we are definitely going ahead with the campaign on the term Mongol. Mummy is so pleased. We have another meeting next week, so it will be good to see how we will do it. Mummy has a lot of ideas and people have been keen to take part in different parts of the campaign. So it's all good.
Mummy and Daddy went to Down's Syndrome Scotland's fundraising dinner a couple of weeks ago. It was a lovely night, but we missed you and had to tell ourselves we had to control ourselves. It was a moving event. people would ask what our connection with Down's Syndrome Scotland was and of course we mention you and people don't expect that kind of answer. We had a nice meal and your Daddy won a bottle of champagne and a voucher for his favourite restaurant. Mummy was just telling him that she would love to win that prize for him when she saw it on the prize list. So there he was carrying the prize home. Maybe, our little angel sent that. We don't know, it just happened exactly how Mummy wished.
We haven't been to the cemetery as often as we used to go to. We have been lighting candles at home mostly. Your baby sister points at your photo and says Mama (meaning a baby in Mongolia) and we say it's Billy, you big brother. You two never met. Your baby sister will only know you from the stories and photos we have from you. Yes, it's so sad, but we will never forget you and you are in our hearts forever. Mummy is feeling quite tearful these days. You would have been 3 this November. Now it's that time again. mummy and Daddy start to notice other kids' birthdays and see them celebrating with candles on cakes and we light candles on your grave. Mummy's throat is almost suffocating because Mummy is trying not to cry and the emotions bursting to come out. Now it's almost midnight. Mummy can cry and wipe her tears in her dressing gown while others in bed. Mummy has a feeling that we will do what we want to do, because you are Mummy's baby boy and you made Mummy very brave. So she will raise awareness, go campaigning, make people think and understand and support. Yes, we will do it. Our book will get published, soon. We know it will. It would be good if it gets published around the time the campaign takes off.
Ok, beautiful baby boy, tiny tiny, little man, goodnight. Love you so much. Night night. XXXX
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Back from Mongolia
Hallo Billy buuz. Mummy was away to Mongolia with your brother and sisters. Your daddy didn't go as we have our building work not finished. Still.
We had a good time seeing your emee and ovoo and other many many people. Your brother was surprised how many relatives we had. He had a chance to go on a horse. So did your little sister. Mummy has to say it took a while to get into normality there. Mummy would have no problem on her own, but going with three kids was not that easy. Saying that they were very good.
Mummy wanted to talk about you with people, but realised it's different over there. In Mongolia, people do not talk about people who passed away much. They don't even mention their names, instead they refer as the 'taliigaach' meaning the one who passed away. Mummy hadn't seen any of her relatives apart from your ovoo and Yeye since you passed away. So Mummy wanted to tell people about you and share her feelings. Your emee was better, because she knew you. She still believes that your death was not supposed to happen. That is true in some ways, unfortunately it did. We lost you.
Having your baby sister with us must have given people some kind of relief. It seems they were heartbroken for us and scared to mention you in case Mummy starts to cry. By the way, your great granny was lovely. She is in her 80's now and she had eleven children. She still looks good. She has no hair as it has been shaven for years. Mummy doesn't remember when she started shaving her hair and making herself bold 'preparing to die without dirt and sins.' It's a strange tradition. She used to wear hat in bed in winter nights. We would wind her up and she would laugh and tell us lots of fairy tales. This time, Mummy recorded her telling us Mummy's favourite story. The story title is The Boy with a Golden Chest and Silver Bottom. Do you remember? Mummy wrote a little story about you and called you exactly that. That story was published in the Scottish Family Legends book the day before your sister was born.
Mummy is trying not to cry, don't know why stopping it. Mummy misses you a lot. Every day, not a day passes by without missing you, remembering you, longing you and the hole in Mummy's heart will never be filled. One day, Mummy will meet you hopefully. Be there and show Mummy around, will you?
Ok, Mummy will tell you better news. The campaign Mummy was talking about is likely to happen. How great is that?! Down Syndrome Scotland is supporting us and happy to do it together. Also there is a very kind person who is very happy to help us in different ways. So baby, fingers crossed.
Oh, Mummy has forgotten to tell you. Mummy was on Mongolian national TV and two other channels C1 and Chanel 25. Mainly talking about the campaign and our book. Mummy needs to get on with the book now. Having your baby sister and the building work, Mongolia Mummy had to pause for a while.
OK, Mummy's brightest star in the sky, baby boy. Good night. Love you, baby. XXXXXX
We had a good time seeing your emee and ovoo and other many many people. Your brother was surprised how many relatives we had. He had a chance to go on a horse. So did your little sister. Mummy has to say it took a while to get into normality there. Mummy would have no problem on her own, but going with three kids was not that easy. Saying that they were very good.
Mummy wanted to talk about you with people, but realised it's different over there. In Mongolia, people do not talk about people who passed away much. They don't even mention their names, instead they refer as the 'taliigaach' meaning the one who passed away. Mummy hadn't seen any of her relatives apart from your ovoo and Yeye since you passed away. So Mummy wanted to tell people about you and share her feelings. Your emee was better, because she knew you. She still believes that your death was not supposed to happen. That is true in some ways, unfortunately it did. We lost you.
Having your baby sister with us must have given people some kind of relief. It seems they were heartbroken for us and scared to mention you in case Mummy starts to cry. By the way, your great granny was lovely. She is in her 80's now and she had eleven children. She still looks good. She has no hair as it has been shaven for years. Mummy doesn't remember when she started shaving her hair and making herself bold 'preparing to die without dirt and sins.' It's a strange tradition. She used to wear hat in bed in winter nights. We would wind her up and she would laugh and tell us lots of fairy tales. This time, Mummy recorded her telling us Mummy's favourite story. The story title is The Boy with a Golden Chest and Silver Bottom. Do you remember? Mummy wrote a little story about you and called you exactly that. That story was published in the Scottish Family Legends book the day before your sister was born.
Mummy is trying not to cry, don't know why stopping it. Mummy misses you a lot. Every day, not a day passes by without missing you, remembering you, longing you and the hole in Mummy's heart will never be filled. One day, Mummy will meet you hopefully. Be there and show Mummy around, will you?
Ok, Mummy will tell you better news. The campaign Mummy was talking about is likely to happen. How great is that?! Down Syndrome Scotland is supporting us and happy to do it together. Also there is a very kind person who is very happy to help us in different ways. So baby, fingers crossed.
Oh, Mummy has forgotten to tell you. Mummy was on Mongolian national TV and two other channels C1 and Chanel 25. Mainly talking about the campaign and our book. Mummy needs to get on with the book now. Having your baby sister and the building work, Mongolia Mummy had to pause for a while.
OK, Mummy's brightest star in the sky, baby boy. Good night. Love you, baby. XXXXXX
Monday, 11 June 2012
Awards and more birthdays!
Hallo Billy Buuz. Well, baby boy we have had lots of exciting events for the last few weeks. Mummy went to London on 1 June. It's a Mother and Children's day in Mongolia and Mummy went to London to attend awards ceremony. It was a combination of the two happy occasions. Mongolians in Europe were organising this event called 'Woman of the Year 2012' in London. Mummy was nominated for and award and got an award! How exciting! This is another one for you Mummy's babies and many who support us.
You can't believe it! Your baby sister is 1 now! We went to Edinburgh and celebrated with her godparents. We all had a lovely time, eating so much though. Karen cooks lovely meals and then we went out for lunch the next day. Your baby sister was so cute with her pigtails and smiling at everyone. She wasn't sure what to do with the candle, so Mummy helped her. We came home and put a piece of her birthday cake in front of your photo. Your big brother will have it later, probably. He is funny.
Your big sister is getting so tall, taller than Mummy. She's been nominated for an award too. We don't know what it is for or anything, it's the school award. So she must be doing well in something. We are pleased to hear it. Your big sister is a good girl, helps a lot and plays with her younger siblings.
We are going to Mongolia soon, just for a few weeks. Mummy is really looking forward to seeing your grandparents. The last time Mummy saw your Mongolian granny was when you were born and we saw your grandpa was your funeral. So it's been a while. Mummy is also looking forward to seeing her aunts, uncles, cousins and many friends. Yeah, it's a nice time just now. The extension is coming on and in fact we can see the builders building the roof just now.
Another nice thing is the Director of Down's Heart Group in London will have your name on her T-shirt when she is holding the olympic torch on 9 July. She is representing the Down Syndrome community around the world. So your name will be there amongst other people's names.
Baby boy, Billy buuz. Love you loads. Mummy's angel boy. Bye for now. XXX
You can't believe it! Your baby sister is 1 now! We went to Edinburgh and celebrated with her godparents. We all had a lovely time, eating so much though. Karen cooks lovely meals and then we went out for lunch the next day. Your baby sister was so cute with her pigtails and smiling at everyone. She wasn't sure what to do with the candle, so Mummy helped her. We came home and put a piece of her birthday cake in front of your photo. Your big brother will have it later, probably. He is funny.
Your big sister is getting so tall, taller than Mummy. She's been nominated for an award too. We don't know what it is for or anything, it's the school award. So she must be doing well in something. We are pleased to hear it. Your big sister is a good girl, helps a lot and plays with her younger siblings.
We are going to Mongolia soon, just for a few weeks. Mummy is really looking forward to seeing your grandparents. The last time Mummy saw your Mongolian granny was when you were born and we saw your grandpa was your funeral. So it's been a while. Mummy is also looking forward to seeing her aunts, uncles, cousins and many friends. Yeah, it's a nice time just now. The extension is coming on and in fact we can see the builders building the roof just now.
Another nice thing is the Director of Down's Heart Group in London will have your name on her T-shirt when she is holding the olympic torch on 9 July. She is representing the Down Syndrome community around the world. So your name will be there amongst other people's names.
Baby boy, Billy buuz. Love you loads. Mummy's angel boy. Bye for now. XXX
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Mummy and Daddy's birthdays
Hallo Billy Buuz. It's been very hot recently and we have been enjoying the sunshine. It was your Daddy's birthday last week and Mummy's this week. We both had a good time, spent our days with your brother and sisters. We also went to the cemetery and lit candles for you. We also put some birthday cake in front of your photo. Mummy was emotional on her birthday. It was just lovely surrounded by your sisters and brother. Your Daddy made a big fuss and gave Mummy a big bunch of roses. It was lovely, but Mummy missed you. Mummy looked at your photo and quietly missed you being here with us...
Yesterday, your brother spotted a beautiful butterfly and Mummy knew you were there, just saying hello and reminding Mummy that you were around. It was lovely. It's a simple thing, but Mummy loves it when we see any butterflies.
Your sister went for a sleepover recently and she had left a letter to your brother on his bed. So he read it when he went to bed. She had asked him to look after your sock that she keeps normally. That sock has your hair.
We have been busy with the building work and it is going well. So we will have a nice room for your baby sister. At the moment everybody is a bit cramped, but we'll get there soon. Mummy doesn't mind after all she grew up in a yurt.
Billy, Mummy misses you, but Mummy will do everything she can to raise awareness on the term Mongol and help people with learning difficulties and their families. Mummy has been experiencing many obstacles. Some people think Mongol means a disfigured child, some people think Mongol means stupid, some people think Mongol means Down syndrome when it only means Mongolian as a nationality. Mummy thinks it's time to change that, don't you think? Mummy knows you are there and Mummy is doing exactly what she said she would do. Remember, people will remember you, Mummy's baby boy. Mummy's baby boy changed Mummy forever. Mummy became brave and can speak for people who can't talk about social stigma, injustice and human rights. Well, Mummy was told that the world does not lack her input. Well, it does, because we all matter, because Mummy does not want your brother and sisters and other many young people feel ashamed to be Mongolian or feel hurt when someone nasty calls anyone Mongol. We can do it baby. We can. Good night, baby boy. Love you. XXXX
Yesterday, your brother spotted a beautiful butterfly and Mummy knew you were there, just saying hello and reminding Mummy that you were around. It was lovely. It's a simple thing, but Mummy loves it when we see any butterflies.
Your sister went for a sleepover recently and she had left a letter to your brother on his bed. So he read it when he went to bed. She had asked him to look after your sock that she keeps normally. That sock has your hair.
We have been busy with the building work and it is going well. So we will have a nice room for your baby sister. At the moment everybody is a bit cramped, but we'll get there soon. Mummy doesn't mind after all she grew up in a yurt.
Billy, Mummy misses you, but Mummy will do everything she can to raise awareness on the term Mongol and help people with learning difficulties and their families. Mummy has been experiencing many obstacles. Some people think Mongol means a disfigured child, some people think Mongol means stupid, some people think Mongol means Down syndrome when it only means Mongolian as a nationality. Mummy thinks it's time to change that, don't you think? Mummy knows you are there and Mummy is doing exactly what she said she would do. Remember, people will remember you, Mummy's baby boy. Mummy's baby boy changed Mummy forever. Mummy became brave and can speak for people who can't talk about social stigma, injustice and human rights. Well, Mummy was told that the world does not lack her input. Well, it does, because we all matter, because Mummy does not want your brother and sisters and other many young people feel ashamed to be Mongolian or feel hurt when someone nasty calls anyone Mongol. We can do it baby. We can. Good night, baby boy. Love you. XXXX
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
The house
Hi Billy, who's mama's good baby boy?! We are very busy with the extension and attic work started. The house has a hole on top and they put the window frame on at the moment. So the house is cold and messy. But we are very excited as there's a change every day. The house you knew is changing into bigger one with more rooms. You know your Mummy grew up in a ger, so it's a bit too much for Mummy. But hey, who's complaining. :)
Mummy is busy with different things as usual. Mummy met another mother who has a son with cerebral palsy. She is lovely and we set up a secret group for other Mongolian parents with disabled children. The group is on Facebook. The group is called Хайр Бялхсан Гэр in Mongolian, meaning a house that is overflowing with love. We thought this group would provide a help and support for parents and family members psychologically and emotionally. We definitely needed that kind of help.
Mummy and Daddy and your big sister still go to the cemetery and light candles. Yesterday, Mummy went there on her own. It was a teary time, Mummy swallawed and swallwed her tears and it kept coming out. Then had to let it run. Mummy tries not to cry at your grave. Mummy remembers the poem saying:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Mummy is going to London soon to attend a big awards ceremony. This is for Mongolian women who live in Europe and have done good things for others or raised Mongolian profile in the West. The Mongolian Honorary Consul in Scotland and the Scottish Mongolian friendship society people are supporting Mummy and another woman from Scotland. It's very nice of them. Mummy is happy that the term 'Mongol' will be talked about and mentioned there. Also people will find out what Down syndrome is if they don't already know. So it is a good step to raise awareness. Mummy is also looking forward to meeting inspiring people at this ceremony and a Mongolian singer Jargalsaikhan singing, too. Mummy hasn't really been to any events like this since Mummy moved to Britain. Jackie is coming with me. Isn't she great?! Difficult times and happy times, she is there. Mummy's friend and your Godmother. Your baby sister is asleep now, in her car seat in the dining room. The builders are making so much noise, drilling, cutting, hammering and talking. So she couldn't sleep in her cot. She is the one most affected by the work not having naps. After all, we are making a room for her. So she'll have to put up with it. :)
She is learning to stand and started to babble and copy words and sounds now. She is at that great stage. Mummy doesn't take your baby sister to parent and toddlers' group much. Mummy and Daddy are scared she would get all sorts of colds and infections. We want her to grow and become a bit bigger to fight any germs. After you, we are scared. Oh, this is good Billy buuz. Mummy feels so much better writing to you. Mummy's lovely boy. Mummy wishes she could kiss you one more time. The gravestone is not you, Mummy kissed your name a few times, but it's not you cold and still. Mummy's boy is in our hearts, warm and alive. Missing you baby. Love you baby boy. XXXX
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Mummy is going to London soon to attend a big awards ceremony. This is for Mongolian women who live in Europe and have done good things for others or raised Mongolian profile in the West. The Mongolian Honorary Consul in Scotland and the Scottish Mongolian friendship society people are supporting Mummy and another woman from Scotland. It's very nice of them. Mummy is happy that the term 'Mongol' will be talked about and mentioned there. Also people will find out what Down syndrome is if they don't already know. So it is a good step to raise awareness. Mummy is also looking forward to meeting inspiring people at this ceremony and a Mongolian singer Jargalsaikhan singing, too. Mummy hasn't really been to any events like this since Mummy moved to Britain. Jackie is coming with me. Isn't she great?! Difficult times and happy times, she is there. Mummy's friend and your Godmother. Your baby sister is asleep now, in her car seat in the dining room. The builders are making so much noise, drilling, cutting, hammering and talking. So she couldn't sleep in her cot. She is the one most affected by the work not having naps. After all, we are making a room for her. So she'll have to put up with it. :)
She is learning to stand and started to babble and copy words and sounds now. She is at that great stage. Mummy doesn't take your baby sister to parent and toddlers' group much. Mummy and Daddy are scared she would get all sorts of colds and infections. We want her to grow and become a bit bigger to fight any germs. After you, we are scared. Oh, this is good Billy buuz. Mummy feels so much better writing to you. Mummy's lovely boy. Mummy wishes she could kiss you one more time. The gravestone is not you, Mummy kissed your name a few times, but it's not you cold and still. Mummy's boy is in our hearts, warm and alive. Missing you baby. Love you baby boy. XXXX
Monday, 30 April 2012
Mama's beautiful baby boy
Hallo Billy buuz. Hallo baby boy. Mummy has been busy, infact we were all very busy. The extension work is starting soon. So mummy and daddy were getting ready for the work. It will be great once the work is done, but before that there will be chaos in the house. It will be worth it though. Mummy was saying to you inside herself 'Mama's bootiful, bootiful baba.' That's right, that's how Mummy calls you all. All day, Mummy spends the day calling your baby sister 'Booty queen' and 'Beautiful, bootiful.' she will be a year old soon. Can you believe it?!
Mummy is very pleased that Mummy's one tweet started a conversation and even made something important happen in history of Mongolian Down Syndrome association. Mummy prepared a talk with the chair of the association and she did a talk at TEDxUlaanbaatar Change event. Mummy is so pleased. Billy, this is you. This is all happening because of you, baby. Mummy remembers picking up the trophy in March. The trophy is for the book which is being written in memory of you. When Mummy was told our book had won the first place Mummy felt this urge of crying missing you and you made that happen, but Mummy held onto her tears and instead enjoyed the success. People kept saying 'You don't realise how well you've done.' Mummy was very pleased, but Mummy was grateful that someone, some people saw the important message in our book and valued it. So baby boy, as many of Mummy's friends said 'This is just the beginning.' We will do many good things and change attitudes and challenge stigma. Mummy's bootiful baba, goodnight. Love you, love you, love you. Billy buuz, baby boy. XXX
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Newspaper Article
SHE’S been through every mother’s worst nightmare.
But brave Uugana Ramsay is turning her tragedy into triumph.
For the hardworking mum-of-three has bagged a top trophy for her story about her baby – and the book isn’t even finished yet. Read more on
Mummy's Trophy story in Ayrshire Post
But brave Uugana Ramsay is turning her tragedy into triumph.
For the hardworking mum-of-three has bagged a top trophy for her story about her baby – and the book isn’t even finished yet. Read more on
Mummy's Trophy story in Ayrshire Post
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Burhan orshoog
God bless. Mummy started this blog with this phrase today because Mummy just read another little girl passed away on the other side of the Atlantic ocean. Mummy will light a candle now. Mummy feels for her family, her mother, father and the siblings.
Mummy was Skyping today to Mongolia speaking to the head of Down syndrome Association in Mongolia. Twitter is a good thing. Mummy only contacted the person who organises these TEDx talks in Ulaanbaatar a month ago or so and suggested someone did a talk on Down syndrome and the term Mongol. They were fantastic and agreed to do it and even put Mummy in touch with Down syndrome Association there. So this morning we prepared the talk.
Ok, baby boy Mummy needs to go and help your big sister. She has been looking after your baby sister and now she wants to cook. How clever is she?!
We went to the cemetery earlier and put candles. Bless you baby boy, good night. Love you. XXX
Mummy was Skyping today to Mongolia speaking to the head of Down syndrome Association in Mongolia. Twitter is a good thing. Mummy only contacted the person who organises these TEDx talks in Ulaanbaatar a month ago or so and suggested someone did a talk on Down syndrome and the term Mongol. They were fantastic and agreed to do it and even put Mummy in touch with Down syndrome Association there. So this morning we prepared the talk.
Ok, baby boy Mummy needs to go and help your big sister. She has been looking after your baby sister and now she wants to cook. How clever is she?!
We went to the cemetery earlier and put candles. Bless you baby boy, good night. Love you. XXX
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Patience
Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop...
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience...
I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me...
(Take That Patience lyrics)
This song sums up how Mummy feels. Mummy has found something to concentrate on constructively, instead of depressing and negative thoughts. But, but sometimes, it's not often but sometimes Mummy cries. She cries wiping her tears in her blue Mongolian deel sleeves and writes. She gets frustrated that her little boy left lying in the ground in the cold, in a dark place. All Mummy can do now is to write and hopefully influence some people who are using or misusing the term 'Mongol.'
Mummy was even told by someone recently that Mummy looks as if she has Down Syndrome because Mummy is Mongolian. He said 'Yes, the flat face!' Oh I know he didn't mean to hurt or offend Mummy he says. Do you know that was his ignorance and he was blind to it. He believes what he was saying.
Do you know what?! This British Dr John Langdan Down who lived in 1800s made up this term just based on his opinion, in his opinion, in his opinion. Yeah, let's just call these idiots 'Mongols.' They are not as superior as we are.
Now the consequence is the whole world is misusing the word Mongol. It frustrates Mummy. Now Mummy is really determined to 'change the world' not to use this term. Yes, change the world. It will change the world of many people including people with Down Syndrome, their relatives, friends and Mongolians. Mongolians don't have to feel confused about it, they don't have to feel uncomfortable about it, they need to know about it and challenge these ignorant people. Ok, Billy sorry baby, Mummy is just writing how she is today. She had enough of walking on egg shells, she had enough of people being 'polite' and not to offend others by challenging these ignorant people. Mummy'll end today's blog with this quote.
'In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.'
Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop...
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience...
I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me...
(Take That Patience lyrics)
This song sums up how Mummy feels. Mummy has found something to concentrate on constructively, instead of depressing and negative thoughts. But, but sometimes, it's not often but sometimes Mummy cries. She cries wiping her tears in her blue Mongolian deel sleeves and writes. She gets frustrated that her little boy left lying in the ground in the cold, in a dark place. All Mummy can do now is to write and hopefully influence some people who are using or misusing the term 'Mongol.'
Mummy was even told by someone recently that Mummy looks as if she has Down Syndrome because Mummy is Mongolian. He said 'Yes, the flat face!' Oh I know he didn't mean to hurt or offend Mummy he says. Do you know that was his ignorance and he was blind to it. He believes what he was saying.
Do you know what?! This British Dr John Langdan Down who lived in 1800s made up this term just based on his opinion, in his opinion, in his opinion. Yeah, let's just call these idiots 'Mongols.' They are not as superior as we are.
Now the consequence is the whole world is misusing the word Mongol. It frustrates Mummy. Now Mummy is really determined to 'change the world' not to use this term. Yes, change the world. It will change the world of many people including people with Down Syndrome, their relatives, friends and Mongolians. Mongolians don't have to feel confused about it, they don't have to feel uncomfortable about it, they need to know about it and challenge these ignorant people. Ok, Billy sorry baby, Mummy is just writing how she is today. She had enough of walking on egg shells, she had enough of people being 'polite' and not to offend others by challenging these ignorant people. Mummy'll end today's blog with this quote.
'In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.'
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Friday, 16 March 2012
A trophy!
Hallo Billy Buuz
We have won a trophy! Mummy went to the Scottish Association of Writers' Conference yesterday and your book, our book Mongol came first in the non-fiction book category. So we have a trophy in the house now. The trophy is called Janetta Bowie Chalice. Mummy put it beside your picture on the mantelpiece. Mummy is going to put the photo here. This is for you. You made Mummy to write and be determined.
Last few days have been very busy. Yesterday, Mummy went to London to get your brother, sisters and you registered at the embassy. Ella was not well either, she is teething and has a cold. She is getting better now. So you can imagine, your Mummy and Daddy walking round half asleep. Anyway, we are so chuffed and Mummy's dream of getting our book published is a few steps closer now. Bye just now, baby boy. Love you always and forever. XXX
We have won a trophy! Mummy went to the Scottish Association of Writers' Conference yesterday and your book, our book Mongol came first in the non-fiction book category. So we have a trophy in the house now. The trophy is called Janetta Bowie Chalice. Mummy put it beside your picture on the mantelpiece. Mummy is going to put the photo here. This is for you. You made Mummy to write and be determined.
Last few days have been very busy. Yesterday, Mummy went to London to get your brother, sisters and you registered at the embassy. Ella was not well either, she is teething and has a cold. She is getting better now. So you can imagine, your Mummy and Daddy walking round half asleep. Anyway, we are so chuffed and Mummy's dream of getting our book published is a few steps closer now. Bye just now, baby boy. Love you always and forever. XXX
Monday, 20 February 2012
How do you cope?
Hallo Billy. Mummy started this blog post a while ago and keeps coming back and then something happens and not finishing it.
How do you cope? How do you get up in the morning? These are the questions we are asked a lot. Mummy and Daddy have to get on with our lives and look after your siblings. We don't want your brother and sisters to remember sad childhood. We know they always remember you and talk about you, we will never forget about you. At the same time, we want them to enjoy their childhood just like other kids. You would want that too. You would want us to be happy and do well.
After all everyone has their problems, sadness and they have to find ways to cope, manage their feelings. Mummy noticed life is more meaningful if you live for others. It does not mean you tell people that. You help and support people who need that little support. You might be surprised how it makes you feel. Mummy heard someone on the radio talking about heaven and hell. The story was: In hell people were struggling because they were trying to feed themselves with very long spoons. In heaven they had the same spoons only they were feeding each other and they were happy. Mummy likes that story a lot. It says so much about happiness, support and friendship. Mummy told your brother and big sister that story. Your brother was very interested and it made him think. Now he gives the bigger piece of chocolate or anything he likes, he offers it to the other person. He is going through exploring age. The other day he asked 'What does selfish mean, Mum?' Mummy explained and he said he doesn't like the word selfish and he wants to be kind.
Uh-uh your baby sister is waking up now. She has been a good girl. She loves her food, she started feeding herself. It's funny though half of the food is on the carpet and half on her face. We'll get there.
Billy buuz, baby boy. We love you. The anniversary of your death is on Friday. Mongolian New Year is on Wednesday. Mummy and Daddy might give it a miss this year. It's a bit close to your anniversary. We will see some friends and have a modest time. Mummy and Daddy can feel our hearts becoming heavier as the day approaches. But what did Mummy say in the beginning? We have to get on with our lives, we will never ever stop loving you and light candles for you. Our beautiful baby boy.
Mummy wrote about you in a magazine for additional support needs and the link is here. It's called Three Months into Forever.
How do you cope? How do you get up in the morning? These are the questions we are asked a lot. Mummy and Daddy have to get on with our lives and look after your siblings. We don't want your brother and sisters to remember sad childhood. We know they always remember you and talk about you, we will never forget about you. At the same time, we want them to enjoy their childhood just like other kids. You would want that too. You would want us to be happy and do well.
After all everyone has their problems, sadness and they have to find ways to cope, manage their feelings. Mummy noticed life is more meaningful if you live for others. It does not mean you tell people that. You help and support people who need that little support. You might be surprised how it makes you feel. Mummy heard someone on the radio talking about heaven and hell. The story was: In hell people were struggling because they were trying to feed themselves with very long spoons. In heaven they had the same spoons only they were feeding each other and they were happy. Mummy likes that story a lot. It says so much about happiness, support and friendship. Mummy told your brother and big sister that story. Your brother was very interested and it made him think. Now he gives the bigger piece of chocolate or anything he likes, he offers it to the other person. He is going through exploring age. The other day he asked 'What does selfish mean, Mum?' Mummy explained and he said he doesn't like the word selfish and he wants to be kind.
Uh-uh your baby sister is waking up now. She has been a good girl. She loves her food, she started feeding herself. It's funny though half of the food is on the carpet and half on her face. We'll get there.
Billy buuz, baby boy. We love you. The anniversary of your death is on Friday. Mongolian New Year is on Wednesday. Mummy and Daddy might give it a miss this year. It's a bit close to your anniversary. We will see some friends and have a modest time. Mummy and Daddy can feel our hearts becoming heavier as the day approaches. But what did Mummy say in the beginning? We have to get on with our lives, we will never ever stop loving you and light candles for you. Our beautiful baby boy.
Mummy wrote about you in a magazine for additional support needs and the link is here. It's called Three Months into Forever.
Monday, 23 January 2012
Emptiness
Hallo Billy. Mummy sat here for a while for the first time not sure how to start the blog post. It feels like writing a poem, perhaps in Mongolian, maybe in English. Mummy's thought went through the events of remembering you and sighing without knowing herself. Every time a toddler runs past Mummy remembers you. You should've been running round just like that. Maybe not. We didn't know how much the brain damage was going to affect you. Your brother still as always puts his sweeties infront of your photo. The other day we were in a shop and he grabbed a hat and wanted to buy it for you. Mummy had to say 'I know son, unfortunately Billy is not here to wear it.' Mummy quickly pushed Ella in her pram and walked away changing the subject. Just like that, you are with us. It's a nice feeling, but Mummy feels there is always something, someone, you... missing from everything...
It's a very windy winter this year. Not much snow, in fact we haven't seen any snow here at all. The year you were born, it had the most snow in years. Tough winter it was. Everywhere.
Mummy wants to do more on raising awareness of Down Syndrome and the term Mongol. Something to make people think and change attitude. It might just be a word for some, but it's a word that represents a lot.
Mummy started to teach Creative Writing to some people who experienced homelessness. One of them said: Oh, it's awful. How would we feel if they decide to call a cancer or something serious Scots or English as our nationalities.
Well, she has a point. We'll see. Mummy is thinking, writing, blogging, tweeting and of course living with our every day life. Ella is sleeping better at night, but she still wakes up at night. Do you know what?! Mummy does not mind. She is healthy, she is a baby. Mummy loves cuddling her, dancing with her from room to room, singing. Oh talking about singing, she is a loud one. She might become a singer, you know. She loves babbling aloud. Sometimes we can't hear each other because she is so loud. She's just happy, that's all.
Your big sister is in Paris on a school trip. How lucky is she?! She will be back in two days. You brother is already counting the days. She had left a lovely note in your brother's bed. So when he went to bed there it was waiting for him. They love each other, it's lovely. We know they have their moments, but hey who doesn't!
Mummy feels like something big is about to happen soon. Well, let's hope it does. Something good and big. Billy Buuz, night night red haired boy. Mummy wishes she could sniff your head one more time, just one more time. Your Teddy is still on our bed headboard. Mummy is not going to wash it ever, that top is the only thing we have you worn and left as it was. Who would've known you were going to eave us so soon? Night, baby. XXXXXX Love you.
It's a very windy winter this year. Not much snow, in fact we haven't seen any snow here at all. The year you were born, it had the most snow in years. Tough winter it was. Everywhere.
Mummy wants to do more on raising awareness of Down Syndrome and the term Mongol. Something to make people think and change attitude. It might just be a word for some, but it's a word that represents a lot.
Mummy started to teach Creative Writing to some people who experienced homelessness. One of them said: Oh, it's awful. How would we feel if they decide to call a cancer or something serious Scots or English as our nationalities.
Well, she has a point. We'll see. Mummy is thinking, writing, blogging, tweeting and of course living with our every day life. Ella is sleeping better at night, but she still wakes up at night. Do you know what?! Mummy does not mind. She is healthy, she is a baby. Mummy loves cuddling her, dancing with her from room to room, singing. Oh talking about singing, she is a loud one. She might become a singer, you know. She loves babbling aloud. Sometimes we can't hear each other because she is so loud. She's just happy, that's all.
Your big sister is in Paris on a school trip. How lucky is she?! She will be back in two days. You brother is already counting the days. She had left a lovely note in your brother's bed. So when he went to bed there it was waiting for him. They love each other, it's lovely. We know they have their moments, but hey who doesn't!
Mummy feels like something big is about to happen soon. Well, let's hope it does. Something good and big. Billy Buuz, night night red haired boy. Mummy wishes she could sniff your head one more time, just one more time. Your Teddy is still on our bed headboard. Mummy is not going to wash it ever, that top is the only thing we have you worn and left as it was. Who would've known you were going to eave us so soon? Night, baby. XXXXXX Love you.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
2012 - A New Year
Hallo Billy Buuz
Christmas and New Year is almost over. We had a quiet Christmas. Just the five of us. Your sisters, brother, Daddy and Mummy. Daddy got you all your advent calendars. Yours was the one with reindeers and Santa. Ella's was the one with Peppa Pig. Your brother was good at making sure he shared yours. He would put some of his and yours in front of your photo and then he would eat them. So you had a row of chocolates of different shapes and sizes in front of your photo. We light candles beside your photos on the mantelpiece, too. Mummy is trying to enjoy your brother and sisters but we miss you very much. Today is the first of the new year and Mummy was feeling uneasy and teary. Mummy's Billy buuz will never come home doesn't matter how much we try to cope in different ways.
Mummy hopes that this new year will bring many good things. We might have a nice extension to the house and Daddy says we might name one of the rooms after you.
Also Mummy really wants the book published. So fingers crossed, baby boy. We will see.
Mummy is trying hard not to cry while writing this. Learning to hold her tears somehow, but not sure if it's healthy though. Your Daddy used to say 'Having fun?' in the early days. We both knew what he meant. Mummy would sit there behind the laptop with mountain of tissues and red eyes, sniffing. Now Mummy is busy with Ella and she makes Mummy smile a lot. Sometimes, it's unbelievable that she is here. Mummy feels like pinching herself to realise she is here and she is real. She looks like you so much, people comment on it. Her blonde hair with blue grey eyes compare to Mummy's oriental looks.
Once this woman on a train was looking at Mummy and then Ella, checking who is who. It was funny. Similar to you really. Mummy would turn up at hospital beside your bed and the nurses looked after you on the day wondered who Mummy was.
On Christmas day, Daddy and your brother went to your grave and put candles on and then Mummy and your big sister went and lit more candles. It was wild and windy. So Ella stayed at home, besides she had a bit of a cold. Mummy and Daddy feel we can't be the same any more. Any little cold or cough Mummy starts to think all sorts. Losing you made Mummy think human life is so so fragile.
Oh, great news to tell you is your Mongolian granny was awarded with a big award for her work. We are so impressed by this. Your granny deserves it. She always worked hard at teaching and working in the social and educational field in the country in Mongolia. She is writing a book too. Her book will be published very soon. See, your Mummy has a great role model. So 2012 should be a BOOK year for us.
Mummy's red haired angel, baby boy, beautiful boy. Love you so much. Nothing in the world would ever mend that broken holes in our hearts. Mummy will work on the mission you had and help many through writing. Goodnight, Billy. XXXXX
Christmas and New Year is almost over. We had a quiet Christmas. Just the five of us. Your sisters, brother, Daddy and Mummy. Daddy got you all your advent calendars. Yours was the one with reindeers and Santa. Ella's was the one with Peppa Pig. Your brother was good at making sure he shared yours. He would put some of his and yours in front of your photo and then he would eat them. So you had a row of chocolates of different shapes and sizes in front of your photo. We light candles beside your photos on the mantelpiece, too. Mummy is trying to enjoy your brother and sisters but we miss you very much. Today is the first of the new year and Mummy was feeling uneasy and teary. Mummy's Billy buuz will never come home doesn't matter how much we try to cope in different ways.
Mummy hopes that this new year will bring many good things. We might have a nice extension to the house and Daddy says we might name one of the rooms after you.
Also Mummy really wants the book published. So fingers crossed, baby boy. We will see.
Mummy is trying hard not to cry while writing this. Learning to hold her tears somehow, but not sure if it's healthy though. Your Daddy used to say 'Having fun?' in the early days. We both knew what he meant. Mummy would sit there behind the laptop with mountain of tissues and red eyes, sniffing. Now Mummy is busy with Ella and she makes Mummy smile a lot. Sometimes, it's unbelievable that she is here. Mummy feels like pinching herself to realise she is here and she is real. She looks like you so much, people comment on it. Her blonde hair with blue grey eyes compare to Mummy's oriental looks.
Once this woman on a train was looking at Mummy and then Ella, checking who is who. It was funny. Similar to you really. Mummy would turn up at hospital beside your bed and the nurses looked after you on the day wondered who Mummy was.
On Christmas day, Daddy and your brother went to your grave and put candles on and then Mummy and your big sister went and lit more candles. It was wild and windy. So Ella stayed at home, besides she had a bit of a cold. Mummy and Daddy feel we can't be the same any more. Any little cold or cough Mummy starts to think all sorts. Losing you made Mummy think human life is so so fragile.
Oh, great news to tell you is your Mongolian granny was awarded with a big award for her work. We are so impressed by this. Your granny deserves it. She always worked hard at teaching and working in the social and educational field in the country in Mongolia. She is writing a book too. Her book will be published very soon. See, your Mummy has a great role model. So 2012 should be a BOOK year for us.
Mummy's red haired angel, baby boy, beautiful boy. Love you so much. Nothing in the world would ever mend that broken holes in our hearts. Mummy will work on the mission you had and help many through writing. Goodnight, Billy. XXXXX
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Radio interviews
Hello mummy's duckling! Mummy wishes she could grab you and hold you tight and kiss you on your head and everywhere. Mummy misses you but we are getting on with our life as well as we could. Mummy's looking after your baby sister and writing, doing talks on culture, motivation, grief and even going to teach Creative Writing soon. Mummy believes the year 2012 will be a good year. Most importantly we will publish our book. Isn't Mummy optimistic?! Och you know her, doesn't like giving up.
Eddy has been a good support and as you know he interviewed Mummy for his radio show. So Mummy managed to put some interviews on her blog thanks to your Daddy.
Your Daddy is away for work. Not long, only for a few days but your big brother was in tears. Since he went away every day we hear from him few times. (Your wee sister is crying...)
Back now. Yes, she is already 6 months now and recognises people and kind of hard leaving her with other people. Of course, Mummy loves that because she is happy with Mummy. Mummy and Daddy are trying to let her get used to people and also your Daddy thinks Mummy needs a break. Sometimes she is with a childminder or Jackie. Your baby sis looks so like you.
There were some clothes in the attic for babies from your brother and Jackie's children. Mummy remembers sorting them by age before you were born. These clothes are for 6-9 month old babies. Shame you never had the chance to wear them. The colour blue jumped infront of Mummy's eyes reminding me of you. Blue for boys and pink for girls... It would have been hard if your baby sister was a boy.
She is just lovely, she really is a good girl. Otherwise Mummy wouldn't have managed to do so much in general. Well, saying that your big sister is a great help and your Daddy and Mummy know what they are doing by now with babies I guess. She is a happy baby. Every time Mummy thinks all four of you Mummy feels the richest person in the world. Mummy's ducklings Mummy calls you all. Today we went shopping to get your wee sister a high chair, she started to eat proper food now. Mummy was calling your sisters and brother Mummy's ducklings... missing you inside. Love you baby boy. Billy Buuz Mummy's baby duckling. XXXXX
Eddy has been a good support and as you know he interviewed Mummy for his radio show. So Mummy managed to put some interviews on her blog thanks to your Daddy.
Your Daddy is away for work. Not long, only for a few days but your big brother was in tears. Since he went away every day we hear from him few times. (Your wee sister is crying...)
Back now. Yes, she is already 6 months now and recognises people and kind of hard leaving her with other people. Of course, Mummy loves that because she is happy with Mummy. Mummy and Daddy are trying to let her get used to people and also your Daddy thinks Mummy needs a break. Sometimes she is with a childminder or Jackie. Your baby sis looks so like you.
There were some clothes in the attic for babies from your brother and Jackie's children. Mummy remembers sorting them by age before you were born. These clothes are for 6-9 month old babies. Shame you never had the chance to wear them. The colour blue jumped infront of Mummy's eyes reminding me of you. Blue for boys and pink for girls... It would have been hard if your baby sister was a boy.
She is just lovely, she really is a good girl. Otherwise Mummy wouldn't have managed to do so much in general. Well, saying that your big sister is a great help and your Daddy and Mummy know what they are doing by now with babies I guess. She is a happy baby. Every time Mummy thinks all four of you Mummy feels the richest person in the world. Mummy's ducklings Mummy calls you all. Today we went shopping to get your wee sister a high chair, she started to eat proper food now. Mummy was calling your sisters and brother Mummy's ducklings... missing you inside. Love you baby boy. Billy Buuz Mummy's baby duckling. XXXXX
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
2 years on
Hallo Billy. Mummy's golden haired angel. Mummy has been thinking about writing here for a while. Ella is a good smiley girl, but she started weaning now and she is hungry at night and wakes up more than she used to. So that means Mummy is sleepy too. :-) But do you know Mummy is happy with that, she is fine, healthy nothing to worry about apart from general baby stuff. That is happiness. Mummy started givig talks to different groups and some of the topics involve about you. Mummy wonders if she should just let you go, but at the same time you were here for different reasons. If Mummy doesn't do these talks people might not know what Down's Syndrome is, or other mummies and daddies might feel lonely if they lost their babies too. So Mummy will carry on and do whatever people think or however difficult it is for Mummy.
Yesterday, Mummy spoke to a group of 17 year olds. They were teenagers, just like any teens. Mummy talked about Buddhism and how religion looks at suffering. On the way back, Mummy went to the cemetery lit candles and cleaned the gravestone. Then Mummy started crying, it was hard talking about you, but Mummy didn't show anyone any tears. But at the cemetery, this man with his toddler appeared, walking home. You would have been exactly like that girl. Mummy burst into tears, there is me picking up the dead flowers on your grave and this child toddling along...
Life is strange. Mummy appreciate yor brother and sisters, of course. But we will always miss you. Mummy's best baby boy. Billy buuz, silly Billy, tiny Billy, love you so much.
Mummy will be fine, she has to. She'll rise above it and will have a book in memory of her beautiful baby Billy. You keep watching and Mummy will see you when it's time. Every night the brightest star in the sky reminds me of you. My lovely boy. XXX
Yesterday, Mummy spoke to a group of 17 year olds. They were teenagers, just like any teens. Mummy talked about Buddhism and how religion looks at suffering. On the way back, Mummy went to the cemetery lit candles and cleaned the gravestone. Then Mummy started crying, it was hard talking about you, but Mummy didn't show anyone any tears. But at the cemetery, this man with his toddler appeared, walking home. You would have been exactly like that girl. Mummy burst into tears, there is me picking up the dead flowers on your grave and this child toddling along...
Life is strange. Mummy appreciate yor brother and sisters, of course. But we will always miss you. Mummy's best baby boy. Billy buuz, silly Billy, tiny Billy, love you so much.
Mummy will be fine, she has to. She'll rise above it and will have a book in memory of her beautiful baby Billy. You keep watching and Mummy will see you when it's time. Every night the brightest star in the sky reminds me of you. My lovely boy. XXX
Monday, 14 November 2011
Happy 2nd Birthday, Billy!
You are my baby boy, my beautiful baby boy
Why was your visit so short?
Was it the water that
washed your golden hair?
Was it the wind
blew on your perfect face?
Why was your visit so short?
Was it the timing
you were born?
Was it the tantrums
you saw in life?
Why was your visit so short?
Did you have a mission
to complete?
Did you have a message
to deliver?
Why was your visit so short?
Do you know Mummy sang to you
holding your hand?
Do you know Daddy sat with you
holding your head?
Why was your visit so short?
Do you remember your sister
dressed you beautifully?
Do you recall your brother
guarded you bravely?
Why was your
visit so short?
Do you know you have
a baby sister now?
Do you know she
looks just like you?
Mummy’s beautiful baby boy
You will always be in our hearts forever
Mummy
If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again. -Author Unknown
Why was your visit so short?
Was it the water that
washed your golden hair?
Was it the wind
blew on your perfect face?
Why was your visit so short?
Was it the timing
you were born?
Was it the tantrums
you saw in life?
Why was your visit so short?
Did you have a mission
to complete?
Did you have a message
to deliver?
Why was your visit so short?
Do you know Mummy sang to you
holding your hand?
Do you know Daddy sat with you
holding your head?
Why was your visit so short?
Do you remember your sister
dressed you beautifully?
Do you recall your brother
guarded you bravely?
Why was your
visit so short?
Do you know you have
a baby sister now?
Do you know she
looks just like you?
Mummy’s beautiful baby boy
You will always be in our hearts forever
Mummy
If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again. -Author Unknown
Monday, 17 October 2011
On the radio
Hallo Billy. It was a wintery day today, but we had a good day. The schools are on holiday and your big sister and brother are off school. Ella is doing well, she is almost rolling over. She is at that cute stage, smiling all the time and getting chubbier every day.
Last Friday, Mummy was on 3TFM radio talking about you and read her poem Mongol. There was a little girl about 7 called Emma. Emma has Down's syndrome and she was really lovely. She got her photo taken with Mummy, leaning against Mummy putting her head against Mummy's head. Mummy missed you. You could have, should have been here with us. And there were people from Sainsbury's store supporting Down's Syndrome Scotland. One of them is called Billy. Mummy liked him, because he is Billy, like my baby boy. Mummy misses you so much. Eddy the radio presenter asked if Mummy was ok to talk about you before Mummy spoke on air. Mummy is ok, more than ok. Mummy is fuelled with energy and determination to do things in memeory of her little baby boy. So Mummy read her poem and felt stronger for doing it and wanted to support others who are in the same situation. Mummy knows why Eddy asked that because in one of the previous interview Mummy paused. The reason was Mummy always finds it hard to say how many children Mummy has. Of course you will always be Mummy's baby and Mummy will say that. Sometimes, people ask more showing an interest and ask how old you all are. Then Mummy gets a bit puzzled because Mummy thinks you are 3 months old all the time. But you would have been 2 this November. Mummy is a bit anxious about your birthday approaching. Another month, then that's it.
We all went to a friends' boy's birthday party last weekend. It was his 2nd birthday. He was so cute, running round, playing, talking... As he blew the two candles on his cake Mummy thought of you, this sudden rush of tears filled Mummy, but they stayed in. Mummy can control herself to certain extent now. So it's good.
It's almost midnight now. Mummy seems to write about this time most days. This writing bug caught her to write and talk about you and many other life's important things. So baby Billy, bye for now. We are all well. Love you, love you, love you. Night my baby. XXXXX
Last Friday, Mummy was on 3TFM radio talking about you and read her poem Mongol. There was a little girl about 7 called Emma. Emma has Down's syndrome and she was really lovely. She got her photo taken with Mummy, leaning against Mummy putting her head against Mummy's head. Mummy missed you. You could have, should have been here with us. And there were people from Sainsbury's store supporting Down's Syndrome Scotland. One of them is called Billy. Mummy liked him, because he is Billy, like my baby boy. Mummy misses you so much. Eddy the radio presenter asked if Mummy was ok to talk about you before Mummy spoke on air. Mummy is ok, more than ok. Mummy is fuelled with energy and determination to do things in memeory of her little baby boy. So Mummy read her poem and felt stronger for doing it and wanted to support others who are in the same situation. Mummy knows why Eddy asked that because in one of the previous interview Mummy paused. The reason was Mummy always finds it hard to say how many children Mummy has. Of course you will always be Mummy's baby and Mummy will say that. Sometimes, people ask more showing an interest and ask how old you all are. Then Mummy gets a bit puzzled because Mummy thinks you are 3 months old all the time. But you would have been 2 this November. Mummy is a bit anxious about your birthday approaching. Another month, then that's it.
We all went to a friends' boy's birthday party last weekend. It was his 2nd birthday. He was so cute, running round, playing, talking... As he blew the two candles on his cake Mummy thought of you, this sudden rush of tears filled Mummy, but they stayed in. Mummy can control herself to certain extent now. So it's good.
It's almost midnight now. Mummy seems to write about this time most days. This writing bug caught her to write and talk about you and many other life's important things. So baby Billy, bye for now. We are all well. Love you, love you, love you. Night my baby. XXXXX
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Busy bee
or Twitter shall I say? Well well Billy. You don't believe how Mummy is addicted to Twitter. Your Daddy is feeling a bit left out. He does support Mummy a lot. Mummy is lucky. Your sister turned 13 last week and we had 5 of her friends came for a sleepover. They had fun. It's so good to see your sister has many friends. Your big brother is well, he is enjoying school. Although he loves playing on the new PC we have now. Not only him, Mummy is on it quite a bit too. Saying that your baby sister is still young and nappies, naps, bibs and bottles ... seem to be Mummy's day-to-day things. Mummy loves having her just like having all of you, really. She is the smiliest of all. I'm sure you are watching us and see her smiling all the time. Mummy still feels you sent her to us. Mummy is going to put a photo of your sister here. Now Mummy is ready to show who she is and do things more openly. That's why Mummy has a website now. Your Daddy helped to put it together and Mummy is going to put more light-hearted things on it. See, you changed Mummy. Losing you made Mummy braver and she wants to make the most of what we have now.
People won't understand it that easily, unless they experienced similar loss. We had a lovely birthday cake on your sister's birthday and put yours in front of your photo. It's nice to do that, but it's so so so sad. Mummy so wishes you were here. My red-headed angel boy. We miss you so much. We, including your 6-year-old brother go silent for a few minutes swallowing our tears and pull ourselves together. Mummy wrote few lines to raise awareness about Down syndrome and the term 'Mongol.' People casually throw it in their daily conversation. How ignorant.
Mongol
You can call me Mongol
Because I am.
But please don’t call someone with Down’s Syndrome ‘Mongol’ or ‘Mongo.’
You will hurt not only me but many
‘Billy’ we called our little boy when he was born
‘Buuz’ I named him when he came home
My baby was a Mongol not because he had Down’s Syndrome
But because his mummy is Mongolian
You can call me Mongol
Because I am.
But please don’t call someone with Down’s Syndrome ‘Mongol’ or ‘Mongo.’
You will hurt not only me but many
People won't understand it that easily, unless they experienced similar loss. We had a lovely birthday cake on your sister's birthday and put yours in front of your photo. It's nice to do that, but it's so so so sad. Mummy so wishes you were here. My red-headed angel boy. We miss you so much. We, including your 6-year-old brother go silent for a few minutes swallowing our tears and pull ourselves together. Mummy wrote few lines to raise awareness about Down syndrome and the term 'Mongol.' People casually throw it in their daily conversation. How ignorant.
Mongol
You can call me Mongol
Because I am.
But please don’t call someone with Down’s Syndrome ‘Mongol’ or ‘Mongo.’
You will hurt not only me but many
‘Billy’ we called our little boy when he was born
‘Buuz’ I named him when he came home
My baby was a Mongol not because he had Down’s Syndrome
But because his mummy is Mongolian
You can call me Mongol
Because I am.
But please don’t call someone with Down’s Syndrome ‘Mongol’ or ‘Mongo.’
You will hurt not only me but many
Saturday, 17 September 2011
Comedy and sarcasm
Mummy was looking forward to her Writing club start this autumn. We meet every Wednesday in Prestwick. Sometimes we have speakers come in and give talks on different genres and how to write etc. So ths year we started having a nice lady from the BBC and talked about comedy monologues. Mummy had fun trying to write or shall we say it is a comedy scenario trying to do things while looking after your sister sometimes. So mummy's comedy monologue ended up changing many times and still not fully formed yet. The lady from the BBC will come again in October and then we can see if any of our monologues can be on the radio.
Mummy is trying to put her web/blog up and running. Well, it is up but just needs a few changes to personalise it. So mummy does it while your baby sister is napping or in the evenings. Mummy jokes with people it's called JK Rowling-ing. It would be nice if we get lucky like JK Rowling though, don't you think?! It's all down to hard work as well as networking. Mummy is going to a Writers' conference this weekend, hoping to meet some people who might help us.
Mummy is still toying with different titles for the book. Your dad doesn't read any of the book. It's too painful for him to read about you and he thinks it's mummy's story.
Yesterday in my writing group someone commented on the bit 'Mongol spots.' She thought it reminded her of Down syndrome. Mummy said 'Yes, my boy had Down syndrome.' Mummy was a bit annoyed. So poor Twitter and Stephen Fry got mummy's upset tweets. Why Stephen Fry? Well, he has a lot of followers and mummy hoped he would retweet it. Mummy had enough of people referring to people with Down's syndrome as Mongol(s). Celebrities are just people, no different about them. It just happens to be that mostly their jobs are in the entertainment or media.
Ok, mummy needs to get your big bro for lunch. He likes coming home for lunch. Speak soon, baby boy Billy buuz. Love you baby. XXXXXXX
Mummy is trying to put her web/blog up and running. Well, it is up but just needs a few changes to personalise it. So mummy does it while your baby sister is napping or in the evenings. Mummy jokes with people it's called JK Rowling-ing. It would be nice if we get lucky like JK Rowling though, don't you think?! It's all down to hard work as well as networking. Mummy is going to a Writers' conference this weekend, hoping to meet some people who might help us.
Mummy is still toying with different titles for the book. Your dad doesn't read any of the book. It's too painful for him to read about you and he thinks it's mummy's story.
Yesterday in my writing group someone commented on the bit 'Mongol spots.' She thought it reminded her of Down syndrome. Mummy said 'Yes, my boy had Down syndrome.' Mummy was a bit annoyed. So poor Twitter and Stephen Fry got mummy's upset tweets. Why Stephen Fry? Well, he has a lot of followers and mummy hoped he would retweet it. Mummy had enough of people referring to people with Down's syndrome as Mongol(s). Celebrities are just people, no different about them. It just happens to be that mostly their jobs are in the entertainment or media.
Ok, mummy needs to get your big bro for lunch. He likes coming home for lunch. Speak soon, baby boy Billy buuz. Love you baby. XXXXXXX
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Time flies
Hallo, Billy buuz. Mummy was thinking about you and wasn't managing to write much lately. Your baby sister is a good girl, but new babies need a lot of attention. We are all enjoying her. She looks like you. A lot. Only she wears pink, well most of the time. She wears some of your clothes. It's funny here children have colours. Blue for boys and pink for girls. She wears your suit(hold on, she is crying..) Now, I'm back. Yes, she wears your white baby suit with blue stripes. People get confused, because she wears a pink hat. :-) In Mongolia, they don't have colours specifically for boys or girls. Well, they didn't when I lived there.
Mummy has been trying to build a web blog for her book(s), talks, interviews etc. So it's very exciting. Your Daddy helped to start it and now it's down to Mummy to make it up and running. Your baby sister and I are trying hard at it with ...erm .. let's say between nappies, feeds, and well, we won't go there almost put rude words here. Your big brother and big sister are doing well. In fact your big brother's friend had told her mum that 'He is the smartest boy in the class.' Well, how proud do you think Mummy was? :-) Your brother is a good boy, started going to Beavers. Beavers is good for him, learning social skills among other skills. Mummy and Daddy think it's important to be happy rather than too clever and unhappy.
Your wee sister is asleep now. Mummy'll try to make a cup of tea. Your Daddy and big sister are great, doing things when they are home.
Mummy was talking to a lady who lost her baby before the little girl was born. It's so sad, the tears were ready to come out yet she appears a very strong person.
Ok, baby boy. More good things to come, Mummy will publish a book in memory of you. My red headed angel. Mummy loves you so much. XXXXXXXX
Mummy has been trying to build a web blog for her book(s), talks, interviews etc. So it's very exciting. Your Daddy helped to start it and now it's down to Mummy to make it up and running. Your baby sister and I are trying hard at it with ...erm .. let's say between nappies, feeds, and well, we won't go there almost put rude words here. Your big brother and big sister are doing well. In fact your big brother's friend had told her mum that 'He is the smartest boy in the class.' Well, how proud do you think Mummy was? :-) Your brother is a good boy, started going to Beavers. Beavers is good for him, learning social skills among other skills. Mummy and Daddy think it's important to be happy rather than too clever and unhappy.
Your wee sister is asleep now. Mummy'll try to make a cup of tea. Your Daddy and big sister are great, doing things when they are home.
Mummy was talking to a lady who lost her baby before the little girl was born. It's so sad, the tears were ready to come out yet she appears a very strong person.
Ok, baby boy. More good things to come, Mummy will publish a book in memory of you. My red headed angel. Mummy loves you so much. XXXXXXXX
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Big brother Billy
Sain uu, minii huu? Hallo hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy has been very busy with your baby sister's arrival. She is a good baby, just like you. She wakes up for her feeds and sleeps at night. She smiles a lot, especially when she wakes up in the morning and when your Daddy talks to her. Your big brother and your big sister are just so happy looking after Ella. She looks like you, well all of you really. Sometimes the expressions on her face reminds us of you a lot. It's a nice feeling. Your Daddy has been going to the cemetery almost every day and Mummy has been going the other days, but fewer than before. Mummy can look at your photos and your Teddy now. Before Mummy couldn't really look at them properly, used to look very quickly. It was hard. Sometimes it feels like a dream, a strange dream, a nightmare what happened with you, your birth and death. Mummy wouldnt want it to happen to anyone. It's such a scary thing, losing your baby, your child. At night, Mummy looks out the window while feeding your sister. When it's clear, it's possible to see the North Star in the dark blue sky. Mummy thinks of you and says Hello to that bright shiny star. It makes Mummy happy, feeling your presence.
Ella has been wearing some of your clothes. It's lovely. Mummy was so upset after you died and didnt know what to do with many of your things. Ella is using your pram and car seat. It's a nice feeling.
Mummy paused her writing a bit, but now hoping to get on with it. Once the schools start Mummy will write when your sister sleeps during the day. Ok, baby boy big bro :-) night night. We love you. Oh, your auntie Yeye came and went back to Mongolia. She put lovely ornaments at your grave. Three bears representing your brother and sisters together with you and a big bear cuddling a little one representing Yeye cuddling you. So you see you are surrounded by bears, love and candles. Night night, baby boy. Love you, love you, love you. XXXXXXXX
Ella has been wearing some of your clothes. It's lovely. Mummy was so upset after you died and didnt know what to do with many of your things. Ella is using your pram and car seat. It's a nice feeling.
Mummy paused her writing a bit, but now hoping to get on with it. Once the schools start Mummy will write when your sister sleeps during the day. Ok, baby boy big bro :-) night night. We love you. Oh, your auntie Yeye came and went back to Mongolia. She put lovely ornaments at your grave. Three bears representing your brother and sisters together with you and a big bear cuddling a little one representing Yeye cuddling you. So you see you are surrounded by bears, love and candles. Night night, baby boy. Love you, love you, love you. XXXXXXXX
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Your baby sister is here!
Hallo Billy Buuz
Can you believe it?! The day I posted the last blog I went into labour properly and your little sister was born the next day at 9.16am! Congratulations, big brother Billy! We have been to the cemetery too. Your daddy has been going there every day. It's so nice to see your brother and sister happy too. But we all know there is someone is missing. That's you, but we know you are here with us. You sent her to us. Sophie, Jackie's daughter who is only 6 made Jackie and Mummy cry by saying 'Uuganaa's tummy was so sad when Billy died and it made another baby.' Yes, Mummy's tummy was so sad and is still sad missing you. The sun shines, but doesn't shine the same any more.
Your baby sister's Mongolian name is Solongo, means rainbow. Your Mongolian granny and papa were so proud because Solongo was born on a special day in Mongolian calendar. The day she was born was celebrated with a big festival worshipping a big mountain called Otgontenger. The mountain name is translated as the youngest sky. The moment your granny and papa went up to see the peak of this snowy top of the mountain a rainbow appeared and the cloud moved away and the mountain showed its top. So your granny and papa think Solongo was born to be someone special.
I think you sent her, well Mummy just find some comfort in that thought. Ella's got a mark on her neck which I remember you having to have an IV line through your neck vein. May be, may be... Mummy wonders, thinks and hopes, and looks for signs ...
Oh another good news is the short story called Fairytale Hero which is about you is published in a book now. In the Scottish Family Legends book. Mummy and Daddy went to the book launch and Family Legends celebration on 8th June and went straight to hospital to have your baby sister. Mummy was in labour during the celebration. What a night. Mummy is happy though that the story is in the book. That was Mummy's one dream to have a story about you in a book as every book published in Britain has to have a copy. Now that copy has a story about you. So you see you are a legend, our Family Legend! My baby boy, love you loads and more, Mummy's ginger haired, blue bottomed baby boy. XXXXXXX
Can you believe it?! The day I posted the last blog I went into labour properly and your little sister was born the next day at 9.16am! Congratulations, big brother Billy! We have been to the cemetery too. Your daddy has been going there every day. It's so nice to see your brother and sister happy too. But we all know there is someone is missing. That's you, but we know you are here with us. You sent her to us. Sophie, Jackie's daughter who is only 6 made Jackie and Mummy cry by saying 'Uuganaa's tummy was so sad when Billy died and it made another baby.' Yes, Mummy's tummy was so sad and is still sad missing you. The sun shines, but doesn't shine the same any more.
Your baby sister's Mongolian name is Solongo, means rainbow. Your Mongolian granny and papa were so proud because Solongo was born on a special day in Mongolian calendar. The day she was born was celebrated with a big festival worshipping a big mountain called Otgontenger. The mountain name is translated as the youngest sky. The moment your granny and papa went up to see the peak of this snowy top of the mountain a rainbow appeared and the cloud moved away and the mountain showed its top. So your granny and papa think Solongo was born to be someone special.
I think you sent her, well Mummy just find some comfort in that thought. Ella's got a mark on her neck which I remember you having to have an IV line through your neck vein. May be, may be... Mummy wonders, thinks and hopes, and looks for signs ...
Oh another good news is the short story called Fairytale Hero which is about you is published in a book now. In the Scottish Family Legends book. Mummy and Daddy went to the book launch and Family Legends celebration on 8th June and went straight to hospital to have your baby sister. Mummy was in labour during the celebration. What a night. Mummy is happy though that the story is in the book. That was Mummy's one dream to have a story about you in a book as every book published in Britain has to have a copy. Now that copy has a story about you. So you see you are a legend, our Family Legend! My baby boy, love you loads and more, Mummy's ginger haired, blue bottomed baby boy. XXXXXXX
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Back and forth to hospital
Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy was going to tell you some news and write here, but instead I'll update you what has been happening. Well, mummy and daddy have been to hospital a few times because your baby sister is due any time now. Mummy thought she would come naturally and waited for the signals. It has been ok and then now it's kind of stopped. So every time we go to hospital we are told to go home as Mummy is not in labour! I'll write later again. bye just now, your brother and sister stayed at a friends' house. They are just back, so have to clean faces and send them to school. Love you baby boy. We light candles and we miss you too. XXXXXX
Friday, 27 May 2011
Birthdays
Hallo Billy Buuz
Mummy hasn't written here for a bit, but we have been thinking of you and visiting the cemetery and lighting candles. Last 2 weeks, we had birthdays. Daddy's big 0 birthday was celebrated with friends and family at home. It was a nice occasion and we both visited the cemetery on the day before the party. Many children came too, they had their face painted and had balloon modelling, it was good fun. Your brother and sister helped preparing the party, too.
Then this week it was Mummy's birthday. Mummy was spoilt rotten with attention. Breakfast in bed, lunch with your Daddy and then your sister ran a bath with candles and she cooked, then Mummy went to her hypnobirthing class. This class is making a big difference in Mummy's head, making Mummy feel and think positive.
Saying that, Mummy feels the sun is never going to shine the same again. There is always you in Mummy's mind, missing you terribly. But you know I feel you all around. On Mummy's birthday, Mummy was just passing by a bakery and there was a cake decorated 'Happy Birthday, Billy'. I know it must have been done as a sample, but it looked like a message from you. Mummy was moved and emotional to see that. What a coincidence on Mummy's birthday! So you see, you are everywhere.
You are going to be a big brother soon, not sure when, but the next few weeks. We don't have a name for the baby yet. We'll see what she looks like.
I can hear your brother and sister playing in the other room. They are on holiday for a few days. So it's nice to have them home. They are big enough to let Mummy have a nap too :-).
Mummy remembers you having a bath. You were so calm and gazing at the lights and contented. You were a good boy. Mummy looks at children around your age and wonders how you would have looked at that age. They are 1 now and walking and trying to talk.
Ok, Billy Buuz, Mummy and Daddy's baby boy bye for now. We all love you very much. XXXXXXXXXXXX
Mummy hasn't written here for a bit, but we have been thinking of you and visiting the cemetery and lighting candles. Last 2 weeks, we had birthdays. Daddy's big 0 birthday was celebrated with friends and family at home. It was a nice occasion and we both visited the cemetery on the day before the party. Many children came too, they had their face painted and had balloon modelling, it was good fun. Your brother and sister helped preparing the party, too.
Then this week it was Mummy's birthday. Mummy was spoilt rotten with attention. Breakfast in bed, lunch with your Daddy and then your sister ran a bath with candles and she cooked, then Mummy went to her hypnobirthing class. This class is making a big difference in Mummy's head, making Mummy feel and think positive.
Saying that, Mummy feels the sun is never going to shine the same again. There is always you in Mummy's mind, missing you terribly. But you know I feel you all around. On Mummy's birthday, Mummy was just passing by a bakery and there was a cake decorated 'Happy Birthday, Billy'. I know it must have been done as a sample, but it looked like a message from you. Mummy was moved and emotional to see that. What a coincidence on Mummy's birthday! So you see, you are everywhere.
You are going to be a big brother soon, not sure when, but the next few weeks. We don't have a name for the baby yet. We'll see what she looks like.
I can hear your brother and sister playing in the other room. They are on holiday for a few days. So it's nice to have them home. They are big enough to let Mummy have a nap too :-).
Mummy remembers you having a bath. You were so calm and gazing at the lights and contented. You were a good boy. Mummy looks at children around your age and wonders how you would have looked at that age. They are 1 now and walking and trying to talk.
Ok, Billy Buuz, Mummy and Daddy's baby boy bye for now. We all love you very much. XXXXXXXXXXXX
Monday, 2 May 2011
Summer is here...
Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy hasn't written here for a while. We are still going to the cemetery and lighting a candle for you every day. We miss and talk about you every day, too. Last week Mummy was in tears when we saw a week old baby girl with her parents and her brother at the school while picking up your brother. That little girl's brother is the same age as your brother and she had a sister who died and was buried in the same row as you. So Mummy was happy for that family to have a new baby, at the same time thought it would have been nice to have the other girl with them too. Very similar to our situation I guess. So mummy was hiding her face at the playground trying not to make any eye contacts as Mummy's tears raced down. If anyone looked and was about to ask if I was Ok, Mummy was replying: 'Sorry, I'm being silly. It's happy tears.'
Lately the weather has been fantastic and we are spending a lot of time outside in the garden. Mummy and Daddy bought a chiminea which you can kindle a fire in it. So last night, all four of us had our dinner and then your brother and sister warmed some marshmallows on sticks and enjoyed it.
Mummy's getting used to be asked now: Is it your first? - looking at Mummy's big bump. I'd say 'No, it's my fourth.' Then people start to ask how old you are and things. It depends on the person or the moment how Mummy answers them. Mummy's proud to talk about you. Mummy's baby boy. Mummy often thinks about your hands and feet. Then Mummy touches your Teddy's hands and feet. Your Teddy is above Mummy and daddy's bed, wearing your top and your name brace from the hospital.
Summer time is here and it's a shame you never had the chance to see what summer is like. Mummy's not going to go on now about you could have done and should have done. There are millions of things we didn't and couldn't do any more. But we will cherish what we had and remember the memories of you being with us.
Love you Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXXXXXX
Lately the weather has been fantastic and we are spending a lot of time outside in the garden. Mummy and Daddy bought a chiminea which you can kindle a fire in it. So last night, all four of us had our dinner and then your brother and sister warmed some marshmallows on sticks and enjoyed it.
Mummy's getting used to be asked now: Is it your first? - looking at Mummy's big bump. I'd say 'No, it's my fourth.' Then people start to ask how old you are and things. It depends on the person or the moment how Mummy answers them. Mummy's proud to talk about you. Mummy's baby boy. Mummy often thinks about your hands and feet. Then Mummy touches your Teddy's hands and feet. Your Teddy is above Mummy and daddy's bed, wearing your top and your name brace from the hospital.
Summer time is here and it's a shame you never had the chance to see what summer is like. Mummy's not going to go on now about you could have done and should have done. There are millions of things we didn't and couldn't do any more. But we will cherish what we had and remember the memories of you being with us.
Love you Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXXXXXX
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Mother's day
Hallo, Billy Buuz. Today is Mothers' day. We remember finding out that we were expecting you on Mother's day in 2009. The best present ever Mummy and Daddy thought. Today, it was a nice day. Your brother and sister made a lovely card and as always included your name when they signed it for Mummy. So thank you Billy Buuz. They also gave me a nail polish, air freshner and a big box of chocolates! And more: breakfast in bed and they were lovely. Daddy was away spending time with his friends this weekend and hope he had a great time. It's good to have some time away sometimes. I think it makes us think what we have and appreciate it, hopefully. Mummy spent a night in Edinburgh too and missed you all badly. Your sister was laughing at me saying: Mum, you were away only for a day! Mummy rushed to the cemetery too, almost burst into tears coming home on the train, missed you. Mummy remembers being a bit annoyed with you once and it makes me feel better knowing that I had a time to tell you off too. You experienced your Mummy's mood too. So you know what your brother and sister have to face if they do something Mummy doesn't like. So you can all talk behind Mummy's back and laugh at Mummy. After all that would make Mummy happy, to see you ganging up together, thats what brothers and sisters do. Other people won't know. Your brother was talking to Jackie and Jackie said you will be a big brother. He replied: again. See you see, you are here. While Daddy was away your brother and sister wanted to sleep beside Mummy. So it was 4,5 of us including you! Mummy's lovely babies. I love you all dearly. Night Billy. XXX
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Fairytale hero
Mummy wrote this for the Scottish Book Trust Family Legends project. Mummy was doing some volunteering work for them.
Our baby Billy with his Celtic red hair and Mongolian blue spots is our family legend. He was a symbol of many nice things. He was the symbol of Mummy and Daddy's love, Scot and Mongol ethnicities, Western and Eastern cultures, Christianity and Buddhism representing the modern Scotland, modern world. He was only three months old and he hasn't shown anyone his first smiles or looked me in the eye properly he left us behind. Yet he is our family legend and he will be a legend in many people's minds.
Expecting him to be born and carrying all the dreams and hopes, I bore him just like any baby. From the moment he was born life seemed unfair. The heart breaking, shocking and devastating news came one after another and tested our strength to the limit.
I'm writing about Billy, announcing to the world how proud I am to be Billy's mummy and he was born to me, to be my son. He was taken away from us because of a tiny extra chromosome. It was a syndrome, it was Down's syndrome. This tiny chromosome destroyed so much physically and emotionally. But it did not destroy the love of a mother or a father. He was our baby Billy, a baby brother and he will be a big brother and uncle Billy.
Our baby with golden chest and silver bottom just like the fairytale heroes in Mongolian tales.
Our baby Billy with his Celtic red hair and Mongolian blue spots is our family legend. He was a symbol of many nice things. He was the symbol of Mummy and Daddy's love, Scot and Mongol ethnicities, Western and Eastern cultures, Christianity and Buddhism representing the modern Scotland, modern world. He was only three months old and he hasn't shown anyone his first smiles or looked me in the eye properly he left us behind. Yet he is our family legend and he will be a legend in many people's minds.
Expecting him to be born and carrying all the dreams and hopes, I bore him just like any baby. From the moment he was born life seemed unfair. The heart breaking, shocking and devastating news came one after another and tested our strength to the limit.
I'm writing about Billy, announcing to the world how proud I am to be Billy's mummy and he was born to me, to be my son. He was taken away from us because of a tiny extra chromosome. It was a syndrome, it was Down's syndrome. This tiny chromosome destroyed so much physically and emotionally. But it did not destroy the love of a mother or a father. He was our baby Billy, a baby brother and he will be a big brother and uncle Billy.
Our baby with golden chest and silver bottom just like the fairytale heroes in Mongolian tales.
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Billy big brother
Mummy hasn't written here for a while. It's because there were times Mummy felt too low to write here and now Mummy is ok to do so. It was the first anniversary knocked Mummy harder. It was like reliving the moments of losing you, preparing your funeral and saying goodbye to you. Mummy didn't feel that down since you passed away, but Mummy was in tears and poor Jackie took Mummy out for coffee two days in a row. Mummy felt much better the third day and was motivated again to write and keep going. Mummy is keeping busy these days, going to Writers' club, attending Business Women's meeting/dinner, working in Oxfam book shop, volunteering to do public speak for Yorkhill and Scottish Book Trust project called Family Legends. Mummy hopes these would help others in many ways and us too. Mummy is still writing, saying that it has been a while actually. The laptop is great if it's like now, late at night, but during the day it's so slow and your brother even gets annoyed with it. Mummy will get a nice new laptop one day and it would be nice to work on it.
Your sister and brother are doing ok at school. Your daddy is working hard as usual, and mummy is too. But Mummy's work is ongoing at home and Mummy is getting used to ignoring housework that can wait. Your granny used to say 'It can wait. It'll still be here when we are gone.' It's true. There is more to life than a dirty floor.
I'm sure you know there is something we all know is happening. we can't talk about it just now, but you know what it is. We'll write here when it's time. Hopefully, it would be a nice thing for you too.
Billy buuz, night night babes. It's getting late, Mummy'll sleep now. Love you, the candle lit for you in the living room is still on. Burhan orshoog minii huug. God bless you, baby boy. Love you dearly. XXXXXXXX
Your sister and brother are doing ok at school. Your daddy is working hard as usual, and mummy is too. But Mummy's work is ongoing at home and Mummy is getting used to ignoring housework that can wait. Your granny used to say 'It can wait. It'll still be here when we are gone.' It's true. There is more to life than a dirty floor.
I'm sure you know there is something we all know is happening. we can't talk about it just now, but you know what it is. We'll write here when it's time. Hopefully, it would be a nice thing for you too.
Billy buuz, night night babes. It's getting late, Mummy'll sleep now. Love you, the candle lit for you in the living room is still on. Burhan orshoog minii huug. God bless you, baby boy. Love you dearly. XXXXXXXX
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