A year ago...

A year ago, you were home, in the living room amongst your toys, beside the warm fire. The house was full with your Mongolian grandparents and your arrival. You came home after staying in hospital for a month, in the neonatal unit. Mummy and daddy still have the medicine syringes and you bottles where they were in the kitchen cupboard. We can't throw them away, because they were yours. I know it feels like a dream sometimes, you were here and then you are not here anymore. Mummy visited a friend who had a baby last week and held the baby. The baby was so little, Mummy realised you were that size. Mummy needs to be careful now. Mummy feels like going and asking people with their babies to give me a chance to cuddle them for a minute. I know they are not you but I don't know why, Mummy just wants to feel the feeling again, trying to imagine what you were like. People might worry though, this desperate Mum, they wouldn't know. Why would they know. People don't know if they haven't experienced similar life experience. Mummy is lucky to have you all though, Mummy feels sorry for people who try and can't have babies. At least you were here and Mummy and Daddy had the chance to get to know you little bit. We had the chance to cuddle you, feed you, kiss you, change you, be happy and sad times with you. We had the chance to buy you a toy, a Christmas present, a stocking and clothes. Yes, we miss you dearly but we will look at the times we had with you and treasure the memories forever. Mummy's ginger haired tiny baby boy, wherever you are you are on our hearts and will be forever. Love you loads. Billy Buuz. XXXXXXXX

The songs and music we play

and miss you and find comfort are:

Philip Glass 'Truman sleeps' from the Truman Show film
'Somewhere over the Rainbow' sang by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole
'Patience' Take That
'Say Hello Wave Goodbye' David Gray
'Summer Son' Texas
'I Would Never' The Blue Nile
'Other Side of The World' KT Tunstall
'Candy' Paulo Nutini
'Heroes' David Bowie
'Aduuchin Aaviin Huu' Ariunaa
'Around The Sun' R.E.M
'Love Will Tear Us Apart' Joy Division
'Bi Jargaltai' Sarantuya
'Eej Mini' Adarsuren
'Winter Winds' Mumford & Sons
'Theft and Wandering Around' Cocteau Twins
'Ashes to Ashes' David Bowie
'Solid Air' John Martyn
'Mad World' Michael Andrews
'Otgontenger' Batsukh
'Our House' Crosby, Still, Nash & Young
'Otriin aduuchin' Vandan Dulamsuren
'All Good Things' Nelly Furtado
'Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad' Moby
'Somewhere In My Heart' Aztec Camera
still more to come, baby...

Mummy calls your brother Billy by accident sometimes, but it's a good feeling. We love you so so much.... XXXX

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Hallo, Billy Buuz. Mummy has been well, but teary recently. Mummy is Ok in general, but has a sudden rush of feeling missing you, overwhelming. Mummy's tears are very easy to come out these days. Mummy went to a Psychic night, hoping you might 'come through' and 'talk' to me. I don't know why, but I go and hope to be in touch with you somehow. Mummy was moody because Mummy wasn't happy that you were not here. Mummy's baby boy should have been here in Mummy's arms, but we've got your clothes, books, toys and pram. Mummy turned to your daddy and said: Billy realy is gone, isn't he?! Mummy still has this feeling hoping you're there somewhere. Your daddy got 3 advent calendars for you three. Your sister's got The Simpsons, your brother's got Santa and his reindeers and yours is the one with Winnie de Pooh. Your brother opened it today and it was little chocolate Christmas tree, so he put it in front of your photo. Your sister was looking at your little nail clippers and found a tiny nail. It must be yours, so she carefully wrapped it in a little plastic bag and put it with your locks of hair in the little gray bag with blue Teddy on it. Mummy felt Mummy should have kept your last clipped nails, Mummy didn't know that it was the last time Mummy was cutting your nail. Mummy didn't think that that was it, once you were buried that was it. Mummy and Daddy held you when you died in our arms and your hands got cold last because were were holding you and the heat trapped between our hands. Mummy didn't want you to turn cold, but you got so cold like a stone the next day. When I kissed your forehead at the funeral director's Mummy realised you were gone, your body wasn't good enough for you. Mummy and daddy still go to the cemetery and light candles. Our red headed angel boy, love you loads. XXXXXXXXXX