Big brother Billy

Sain uu, minii huu? Hallo hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy has been very busy with your baby sister's arrival. She is a good baby, just like you. She wakes up for her feeds and sleeps at night. She smiles a lot, especially when she wakes up in the morning and when your Daddy talks to her. Your big brother and your big sister are just so happy looking after Ella. She looks like you, well all of you really. Sometimes the expressions on her face reminds us of you a lot. It's a nice feeling. Your Daddy has been going to the cemetery almost every day and Mummy has been going the other days, but fewer than before. Mummy can look at your photos and your Teddy now. Before Mummy couldn't really look at them properly, used to look very quickly. It was hard. Sometimes it feels like a dream, a strange dream, a nightmare what happened with you, your birth and death. Mummy wouldnt want it to happen to anyone. It's such a scary thing, losing your baby, your child. At night, Mummy looks out the window while feeding your sister. When it's clear, it's possible to see the North Star in the dark blue sky. Mummy thinks of you and says Hello to that bright shiny star. It makes Mummy happy, feeling your presence.

Ella has been wearing some of your clothes. It's lovely. Mummy was so upset after you died and didnt know what to do with many of your things. Ella is using your pram and car seat. It's a nice feeling.

Mummy paused her writing a bit, but now hoping to get on with it. Once the schools start Mummy will write when your sister sleeps during the day. Ok, baby boy big bro :-) night night. We love you. Oh, your auntie Yeye came and went back to Mongolia. She put lovely ornaments at your grave. Three bears representing your brother and sisters together with you and a big bear cuddling a little one representing Yeye cuddling you. So you see you are surrounded by bears, love and candles. Night night, baby boy. Love you, love you, love you. XXXXXXXX

Your baby sister is here!

Hallo Billy Buuz

Can you believe it?! The day I posted the last blog I went into labour properly and your little sister was born the next day at 9.16am! Congratulations, big brother Billy! We have been to the cemetery too. Your daddy has been going there every day. It's so nice to see your brother and sister happy too. But we all know there is someone is missing. That's you, but we know you are here with us. You sent her to us. Sophie, Jackie's daughter who is only 6 made Jackie and Mummy cry by saying 'Uuganaa's tummy was so sad when Billy died and it made another baby.' Yes, Mummy's tummy was so sad and is still sad missing you. The sun shines, but doesn't shine the same any more.

Your baby sister's Mongolian name is Solongo, means rainbow. Your Mongolian granny and papa were so proud because Solongo was born on a special day in Mongolian calendar. The day she was born was celebrated with a big festival worshipping a big mountain called Otgontenger. The mountain name is translated as the youngest sky. The moment your granny and papa went up to see the peak of this snowy top of the mountain a rainbow appeared and the cloud moved away and the mountain showed its top. So your granny and papa think Solongo was born to be someone special.

I think you sent her, well Mummy just find some comfort in that thought. Ella's got a mark on her neck which I remember you having to have an IV line through your neck vein. May be, may be... Mummy wonders, thinks and hopes, and looks for signs ...

Oh another good news is the short story called Fairytale Hero which is about you is published in a book now. In the Scottish Family Legends book. Mummy and Daddy went to the book launch and Family Legends celebration on 8th June and went straight to hospital to have your baby sister. Mummy was in labour during the celebration. What a night. Mummy is happy though that the story is in the book. That was Mummy's one dream to have a story about you in a book as every book published in Britain has to have a copy. Now that copy has a story about you. So you see you are a legend, our Family Legend! My baby boy, love you loads and more, Mummy's ginger haired, blue bottomed baby boy. XXXXXXX

Back and forth to hospital

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy was going to tell you some news and write here, but instead I'll update you what has been happening. Well, mummy and daddy have been to hospital a few times because your baby sister is due any time now. Mummy thought she would come naturally and waited for the signals. It has been ok and then now it's kind of stopped. So every time we go to hospital we are told to go home as Mummy is not in labour! I'll write later again. bye just now, your brother and sister stayed at a friends' house. They are just back, so have to clean faces and send them to school. Love you baby boy. We light candles and we miss you too. XXXXXX

Birthdays

Hallo Billy Buuz

Mummy hasn't written here for a bit, but we have been thinking of you and visiting the cemetery and lighting candles. Last 2 weeks, we had birthdays. Daddy's big 0 birthday was celebrated with friends and family at home. It was a nice occasion and we both visited the cemetery on the day before the party. Many children came too, they had their face painted and had balloon modelling, it was good fun. Your brother and sister helped preparing the party, too.

Then this week it was Mummy's birthday. Mummy was spoilt rotten with attention. Breakfast in bed, lunch with your Daddy and then your sister ran a bath with candles and she cooked, then Mummy went to her hypnobirthing class. This class is making a big difference in Mummy's head, making Mummy feel and think positive.

Saying that, Mummy feels the sun is never going to shine the same again. There is always you in Mummy's mind, missing you terribly. But you know I feel you all around. On Mummy's birthday, Mummy was just passing by a bakery and there was a cake decorated 'Happy Birthday, Billy'. I know it must have been done as a sample, but it looked like a message from you. Mummy was moved and emotional to see that. What a coincidence on Mummy's birthday! So you see, you are everywhere.

You are going to be a big brother soon, not sure when, but the next few weeks. We don't have a name for the baby yet. We'll see what she looks like.

I can hear your brother and sister playing in the other room. They are on holiday for a few days. So it's nice to have them home. They are big enough to let Mummy have a nap too :-).

Mummy remembers you having a bath. You were so calm and gazing at the lights and contented. You were a good boy. Mummy looks at children around your age and wonders how you would have looked at that age. They are 1 now and walking and trying to talk.

Ok, Billy Buuz, Mummy and Daddy's baby boy bye for now. We all love you very much. XXXXXXXXXXXX

Summer is here...

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy hasn't written here for a while. We are still going to the cemetery and lighting a candle for you every day. We miss and talk about you every day, too. Last week Mummy was in tears when we saw a week old baby girl with her parents and her brother at the school while picking up your brother. That little girl's brother is the same age as your brother and she had a sister who died and was buried in the same row as you. So Mummy was happy for that family to have a new baby, at the same time thought it would have been nice to have the other girl with them too. Very similar to our situation I guess. So mummy was hiding her face at the playground trying not to make any eye contacts as Mummy's tears raced down. If anyone looked and was about to ask if I was Ok, Mummy was replying: 'Sorry, I'm being silly. It's happy tears.'

Lately the weather has been fantastic and we are spending a lot of time outside in the garden. Mummy and Daddy bought a chiminea which you can kindle a fire in it. So last night, all four of us had our dinner and then your brother and sister warmed some marshmallows on sticks and enjoyed it.

Mummy's getting used to be asked now: Is it your first? - looking at Mummy's big bump. I'd say 'No, it's my fourth.' Then people start to ask how old you are and things. It depends on the person or the moment how Mummy answers them. Mummy's proud to talk about you. Mummy's baby boy. Mummy often thinks about your hands and feet. Then Mummy touches your Teddy's hands and feet. Your Teddy is above Mummy and daddy's bed, wearing your top and your name brace from the hospital.

Summer time is here and it's a shame you never had the chance to see what summer is like. Mummy's not going to go on now about you could have done and should have done. There are millions of things we didn't and couldn't do any more. But we will cherish what we had and remember the memories of you being with us.

Love you Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXXXXXX

Mother's day

Hallo, Billy Buuz. Today is Mothers' day. We remember finding out that we were expecting you on Mother's day in 2009. The best present ever Mummy and Daddy thought. Today, it was a nice day. Your brother and sister made a lovely card and as always included your name when they signed it for Mummy. So thank you Billy Buuz. They also gave me a nail polish, air freshner and a big box of chocolates! And more: breakfast in bed and they were lovely. Daddy was away spending time with his friends this weekend and hope he had a great time. It's good to have some time away sometimes. I think it makes us think what we have and appreciate it, hopefully. Mummy spent a night in Edinburgh too and missed you all badly. Your sister was laughing at me saying: Mum, you were away only for a day! Mummy rushed to the cemetery too, almost burst into tears coming home on the train, missed you. Mummy remembers being a bit annoyed with you once and it makes me feel better knowing that I had a time to tell you off too. You experienced your Mummy's mood too. So you know what your brother and sister have to face if they do something Mummy doesn't like. So you can all talk behind Mummy's back and laugh at Mummy. After all that would make Mummy happy, to see you ganging up together, thats what brothers and sisters do. Other people won't know. Your brother was talking to Jackie and Jackie said you will be a big brother. He replied: again. See you see, you are here. While Daddy was away your brother and sister wanted to sleep beside Mummy. So it was 4,5 of us including you! Mummy's lovely babies. I love you all dearly. Night Billy. XXX

Fairytale hero

Mummy wrote this for the Scottish Book Trust Family Legends project. Mummy was doing some volunteering work for them.

Our baby Billy with his Celtic red hair and Mongolian blue spots is our family legend. He was a symbol of many nice things. He was the symbol of Mummy and Daddy's love, Scot and Mongol ethnicities, Western and Eastern cultures, Christianity and Buddhism representing the modern Scotland, modern world. He was only three months old and he hasn't shown anyone his first smiles or looked me in the eye properly he left us behind. Yet he is our family legend and he will be a legend in many people's minds.

Expecting him to be born and carrying all the dreams and hopes, I bore him just like any baby. From the moment he was born life seemed unfair. The heart breaking, shocking and devastating news came one after another and tested our strength to the limit.
I'm writing about Billy, announcing to the world how proud I am to be Billy's mummy and he was born to me, to be my son. He was taken away from us because of a tiny extra chromosome. It was a syndrome, it was Down's syndrome. This tiny chromosome destroyed so much physically and emotionally. But it did not destroy the love of a mother or a father. He was our baby Billy, a baby brother and he will be a big brother and uncle Billy.

Our baby with golden chest and silver bottom just like the fairytale heroes in Mongolian tales.

Billy big brother

Mummy hasn't written here for a while. It's because there were times Mummy felt too low to write here and now Mummy is ok to do so. It was the first anniversary knocked Mummy harder. It was like reliving the moments of losing you, preparing your funeral and saying goodbye to you. Mummy didn't feel that down since you passed away, but Mummy was in tears and poor Jackie took Mummy out for coffee two days in a row. Mummy felt much better the third day and was motivated again to write and keep going. Mummy is keeping busy these days, going to Writers' club, attending Business Women's meeting/dinner, working in Oxfam book shop, volunteering to do public speak for Yorkhill and Scottish Book Trust project called Family Legends. Mummy hopes these would help others in many ways and us too. Mummy is still writing, saying that it has been a while actually. The laptop is great if it's like now, late at night, but during the day it's so slow and your brother even gets annoyed with it. Mummy will get a nice new laptop one day and it would be nice to work on it.

Your sister and brother are doing ok at school. Your daddy is working hard as usual, and mummy is too. But Mummy's work is ongoing at home and Mummy is getting used to ignoring housework that can wait. Your granny used to say 'It can wait. It'll still be here when we are gone.' It's true. There is more to life than a dirty floor.

I'm sure you know there is something we all know is happening. we can't talk about it just now, but you know what it is. We'll write here when it's time. Hopefully, it would be a nice thing for you too.

Billy buuz, night night babes. It's getting late, Mummy'll sleep now. Love you, the candle lit for you in the living room is still on. Burhan orshoog minii huug. God bless you, baby boy. Love you dearly. XXXXXXXX

Extract from Mummy's book - Chapter 9 - Mummy is reliving this moment...

...The consultant quickly took out the ventilator and left the three of us alone in the room. Billy started to cry, gasping for breath and then he stopped breathing. Within thirty seconds Billy had gone. He had left us. He had left us forever. Richard and I held Billy’s body, holding onto each other, our loud sobbing cry filled the room. For a while, I don’t know how long we cried and sobbed covered with our tears of grief. Life wasn’t fair. Billy was our baby. He was supposed to outlive us. We should have cut his hair for him to go to school, not for a keepsake. We were supposed to play with him, read stories, hold his hand and walk along the streets, throw him in the air and give hundreds and millions of kisses. I carried him for nine months dreaming of many things, but not to say goodbye and hold him like this, dead in my arms. We couldn’t even see his first smiles. We looked at Billy. Billy looked calm and pain free...

A year after your death...

We remember organising your funeral this time last year. Mummy was lost emotionally, didn't know what to do. Mummy was in tears: I had enough of living on second hand things! And started sobbing. Jackie and your dad didn't know what to do. Poor things were grieving too. Then Jackie took me to TK Maxx and I bought very expensive cutlery and a food processor. Anything to help feel bit better, I guess.

Mummy is feeling emotional today. Seeing children in their prams, the sun is out, but Mummy miss you so much. Daddy put a big candle at the cemetery and Karen, Caroline, Jackie put nice flowers. We had a few people sent nice cards and little notes, too. We got a sky lantern too from your dad's friend!

Love you, Billy. Eej ni huudee hairtai shuu. Xxxxxxx

The brightest star in the sky

Mummy was busy all day today, painting the gate and the drain pipe and clearing out things. Mummy also tidied your sister's room with her. Your sister has done her own writing and drawings for you. Mummy didn't say anything about them, it was hurtful to see and read them. She even had made a beautiful Christmas card for you with real chocolate coins. She never showed any of us those things, it must be her way of dealing with things. Mummy is glad she is expressing herself that way, getting her feelings out.

It is a beautiful night tonight with clear sky and the moon is shining. Mummy thought of you shining bright in the sky, always with us. Mummy feels you everywhere. Mummy is not alone, with my babies.

The Mongolian New Year celebration went well. We had many friends around and had lots and lots of food. Your daddy put your food on his favourite china plates with Peter Rabbit. Normally we keep them in the display unit, but your Daddy put them out for you that day. So he was putting food there for you.

We are still going to the cemetery every day and lighting a candle for you. Your sister had made another nice flower arrangement and placed in the hand ornament. Auntie Susan and uncle Ian put a nice pot of flowers which are now blossoming. They put a lovely card for you, too. The flowers has a couple of elephant toys beside them and they have mirror decorations. They look pretty.

Mummy is keeping busy doing lots of things. Sometimes keeping myself busy is easier and helps. Mummy doesn't want to give in life, if it tests us we want to stand up to it, not give in. Mummy's little red headed boy, love you loads and you keep watching us and we'll keep you in our hearts. You are not dead, you are very much alive in spirit and your presence. Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXX

Tsagaan Sar - Mongolian New Year

Hallo Billy Buuz
Mummy is very emotional today just like the weather. It's windy, cold and wet. In Mongolia, our relatives are celebrating today with lots of food and drinks and visiting each other. Mummy hasn't missed this celebration since leaving Mongolia. But today, Mummy filled up because Mummy used to dream of taking her babies and show what it's like there and you are not here to do that. Mummy put a big candle on your grave and our garden. The wind kept blowing them off, but I managed to put them in shelter. Your brother and sister, and Daddy all doing fine, but we miss you. We'll have some friends around on Saturday to celebrate the new year. Mummy will make an effort to make people enjoy our company. It's almost a year since you died. February 24th. It was like Siberia here with lots of snow. I don't know what people say about 'Time helps.' It doesn't seem to help for me, anyway. Mummy's emotions are still raw. Mummy's writing the book and getting there slowly but surely. We will get there. Billy buuz, baby boy, big boy. You would have been walking by now, smiling by now, calling Mummy and Daddy and running towards us... Love you Billy, Mummy's best baby boy. XXXXXX

25 January, a year on...

It was a year ago, the hell door opened. We couldn't vesit your granny in a nursing home on her birthday. You were admitted to hospital for observation while your sister was in hospital getting her skin graft done. It was the day you got your medicine overdosed and went from bad to worse.

A year later today, you and your granny both in heaven and we miss you both dearly. Your daddy is away for work. In a way, it's better that way, so he is distracted and don't feel too upset. Mummy is not saying he wouldn't be, I'm sure he is. Hopefully different scene and different place make it little bit easier.
Mummy went to the cemetery first thing in the morning and put a little ladybird candle for you. Also your sister had made a beautiful flower arrangement, so I put that in the hand ornament that Lauraine and the nursery gave to you on your birthday. Mummy lit a candle in the garden for Granny. It was very windy but it worked the first time. Mummy prayed that it would work if she was watching us and it did. Happy birthday to Granny! and you look out for each other. Love you both loads. XXXX

Broken heart...

Hallo Billy Buuz. How's my baby? Mummy is going through a phase these couple of days. Miss you so so so much. I can see your red hair sticking up, your hands straightened because you were trying so hard feeding and sweating because you were trying too hard to have some milk. You loved your dummy, your little monkey would hold your dummy not letting it come off. You didn't like your medicine, pushing out with your tongue and making a disgusted face. Your eyes lit up when your Mongolian granny spoke well almost singing to you in Mongolian and your lips moved forward as if you wanted to talk to your granny.

Mummy's little red headed angel. We love you and we miss you. Mummy's tears racing down Mummy's face. Now, Mummy'll stop, it's not good for you to see Mummy cry and we don't want other people worry about us, do we. Bye for now, Billy Buuz. Losing you left a big hole inside Mummy, it will never be the same again. Nothing will be enough to fill it, but Mummy'll make sure you live on in people's minds, you will be a legend, clever boy. XXXXXX

New Year's day

Happy New Year, Billy Buuz! Wherever you are my little red headed angel, hope you have smiles and laughter. Mummy and daddy talk about you and think about you every day. Mummy remembered just after you died it was very hard. Everything reminded me of you, stopping at the traffic lights and observing mums pushing prams with their babies in them, picking up your brother from school and seeing ginger haired children running around; walking in the streets and seeing people with Downs or in a wheelchair. Mummy called the Downs Syndrome association and wanted to get involved. It's still hard to be dealing with people with Downs just now, still early days, but Mummy thought Mummy can make a difference and tell people what it's like to be a parent having a baby with a disability and how it needs to be dealt with.

So we'll see. This new year, Mummy's goal is to get an agent for the book and find someone to publish it. So there wer are Billy, Mummy's doing this then we can move on. This book is for you and your brother and sister and for others. See Billy, you made Mummy this brave and determined. Mummy will do it and you will be there with me all the way. My fairytale hero, tiny baby, clever boy.... Love you. I wish I could kiss you once again ..... XXXXX

Christmas Day

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy didn't write here for a while because your brother and sister were on holiday and home. Mummy cries when writing here and didn't want them to worry.

Yes, Chistmas was quiet and the four of us spent the day home and had Christmas lunch. Your seat was between Mummy and Daddy and you had your plates and all 4 courses of the meal. We put big candles for you on your grave and they lit all day and night for a few days. We still go to the cemetery every day. Though Mummy feels you here with me sometimes and don't go if that feels alright. Mummy hasn't written much recently either, the book is half way now, but Mummy'll carry on and finish the first draft. It will need editing and so on, but it's good to have a copy to work on than a blank paper.

Mummy did cry on Christmas morning missing you, hope nobody noticed because Mummy had a shower afterwards.

Last year, on Christmas day you were sleeping when your brother and sister opened their presents and then we opened yours when you woke up. We have a photo of you and me, Mummy holding you proudly and squeezing your face against mine. Mummy can be rough when Mummy shows her love to you all. Your brother and sister love that, because they know that's how Mummy shows her affection.

Billy Buuz, baby boy.Ok, Mummy'll continue later. Love you loads and loads. Our little star. XXXXX

A year ago...

A year ago, you were home, in the living room amongst your toys, beside the warm fire. The house was full with your Mongolian grandparents and your arrival. You came home after staying in hospital for a month, in the neonatal unit. Mummy and daddy still have the medicine syringes and you bottles where they were in the kitchen cupboard. We can't throw them away, because they were yours. I know it feels like a dream sometimes, you were here and then you are not here anymore. Mummy visited a friend who had a baby last week and held the baby. The baby was so little, Mummy realised you were that size. Mummy needs to be careful now. Mummy feels like going and asking people with their babies to give me a chance to cuddle them for a minute. I know they are not you but I don't know why, Mummy just wants to feel the feeling again, trying to imagine what you were like. People might worry though, this desperate Mum, they wouldn't know. Why would they know. People don't know if they haven't experienced similar life experience. Mummy is lucky to have you all though, Mummy feels sorry for people who try and can't have babies. At least you were here and Mummy and Daddy had the chance to get to know you little bit. We had the chance to cuddle you, feed you, kiss you, change you, be happy and sad times with you. We had the chance to buy you a toy, a Christmas present, a stocking and clothes. Yes, we miss you dearly but we will look at the times we had with you and treasure the memories forever. Mummy's ginger haired tiny baby boy, wherever you are you are on our hearts and will be forever. Love you loads. Billy Buuz. XXXXXXXX

The songs and music we play

and miss you and find comfort are:

Philip Glass 'Truman sleeps' from the Truman Show film
'Somewhere over the Rainbow' sang by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole
'Patience' Take That
'Say Hello Wave Goodbye' David Gray
'Summer Son' Texas
'I Would Never' The Blue Nile
'Other Side of The World' KT Tunstall
'Candy' Paulo Nutini
'Heroes' David Bowie
'Aduuchin Aaviin Huu' Ariunaa
'Around The Sun' R.E.M
'Love Will Tear Us Apart' Joy Division
'Bi Jargaltai' Sarantuya
'Eej Mini' Adarsuren
'Winter Winds' Mumford & Sons
'Theft and Wandering Around' Cocteau Twins
'Ashes to Ashes' David Bowie
'Solid Air' John Martyn
'Mad World' Michael Andrews
'Otgontenger' Batsukh
'Our House' Crosby, Still, Nash & Young
'Otriin aduuchin' Vandan Dulamsuren
'All Good Things' Nelly Furtado
'Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad' Moby
'Somewhere In My Heart' Aztec Camera
still more to come, baby...

Mummy calls your brother Billy by accident sometimes, but it's a good feeling. We love you so so much.... XXXX

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Hallo, Billy Buuz. Mummy has been well, but teary recently. Mummy is Ok in general, but has a sudden rush of feeling missing you, overwhelming. Mummy's tears are very easy to come out these days. Mummy went to a Psychic night, hoping you might 'come through' and 'talk' to me. I don't know why, but I go and hope to be in touch with you somehow. Mummy was moody because Mummy wasn't happy that you were not here. Mummy's baby boy should have been here in Mummy's arms, but we've got your clothes, books, toys and pram. Mummy turned to your daddy and said: Billy realy is gone, isn't he?! Mummy still has this feeling hoping you're there somewhere. Your daddy got 3 advent calendars for you three. Your sister's got The Simpsons, your brother's got Santa and his reindeers and yours is the one with Winnie de Pooh. Your brother opened it today and it was little chocolate Christmas tree, so he put it in front of your photo. Your sister was looking at your little nail clippers and found a tiny nail. It must be yours, so she carefully wrapped it in a little plastic bag and put it with your locks of hair in the little gray bag with blue Teddy on it. Mummy felt Mummy should have kept your last clipped nails, Mummy didn't know that it was the last time Mummy was cutting your nail. Mummy didn't think that that was it, once you were buried that was it. Mummy and Daddy held you when you died in our arms and your hands got cold last because were were holding you and the heat trapped between our hands. Mummy didn't want you to turn cold, but you got so cold like a stone the next day. When I kissed your forehead at the funeral director's Mummy realised you were gone, your body wasn't good enough for you. Mummy and daddy still go to the cemetery and light candles. Our red headed angel boy, love you loads. XXXXXXXXXX

Buuzanhuu - Billy Buuz

Mummy's been avoiding any writing recently, around your birthday. It was hard to bring myself and write about you. I know I do it more than others, but Mummy went through a strange phase, vulnerable. Today, Mummy is feeling not bad, in fact feel good that I've written half a chapter. So it was a good productive day. The newspaper article has been read by many people and now many people know about you. That's what Mummy wanted to do. It will be just a start. Mummy is going to write this book and it is done for you all, my babies. Mummy would be happy to look back. You would all know who your Mummy was and who Billy was and should not forget how life can be and help others if they are going through rough times. Nobody chooses to be disabled, nobody chooses to be unloved. Then again, sometimes you have to love yourself to get love back I guess. Many people will have different opinions, some might support us and some might not. Some people might feel that what Mummy is doing is extreme in dealing with your death. But Mummy will be happy to answer that. People need to picture themselves in our shoes. How would you feel if your own baby is gone? You will never ever going to see him or her again? You will never ever going to kiss them goodnight or hold their hands. Now... think again. Hopefully, many will understand and support us, Billy Buuz. Mummy'll take everything thrown at us, that's fine if it's what it takes just to raise awareness and help others to open themselves and feel Ok about talking about their hurt and pain. Ok, Billy Mummy'll go and pick up your smart pants brother from school. Love you, Love you, Billy. XXXXX

Troon mum writes about loss of baby son Billy - Ayrshire Post

Troon mum writes about loss of baby son Billy - Ayrshire Post

Your Birthday

Hallo baby boy. I know it looks anf feels like I'm pretending that you are not dead. But you are Mummy's baby boy and who can say it's right or wrong. Mummy was in tears and was very upset on Saturday the day before your birthday. On your birthday though - Mummy was fine. We made a milk chocolate cake. You brother wanted to make it as it had the word milk in it. He remembered you liked milk.:-) He also talked about you at school when it was the news time in his class. He said: It was my baby brother's birthday and we made a cake, put flowers and candles at the cemetery. You sister made beautiful flower arrangement in the shape of your name BILLY. She chose the flowers herself and decorated the oasis all evening. We had a candle on your cake and your brother and sister blew it out for you in front of your photo. It was a moving moment. We managed to hold our tears. I could see your sister's eyes were filling up, but she was brave. Your brother can't handle Mummy's tears, no wonder poor thing. He was asking me: What are you doing? What are you on? when I was writing on your blog with my tears running down nonstop. He gets teary himself, so Mummy stopped and comforted him and decided to do it while they are not home. They are both at school now. You daddy is working. He bought beautiful candles on your birthday and lit them at your grave. It was a calm day without any wind. The candles stayed lit all day and night. It was a clear day and night. We put your bunting outside our house to remember you and lit candles in the garden too. We went out for lunch celebrating your birthday. It was heavy emotionally, but we loved you and celebrated your birth and remembered our nice memories. The time flies, one year already. Mummy remembers you being born; and you are not here now. Mummy will make you live in people's mind and help others. Mummy's clever boy. Love you loads. XXXXXX

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILLY BUUZ!

Happy Birthday, my Billy Billy Buuz! You would have been 1 this year.

Mummy cleaned your gravestone instead of your face
Mummy put a candle on your grave instead of a birthday cake
Mummy hugged your Teddy and wept into my pillow instead of
Mummy cuddling you and throwing you in the air with million kisses

Mummy wished you were here with me and us
Mummy washed her face after sobbing and missing you
Mummy wanted to hold you and rock you to sleep
Mummy wailed on your grave on my knees calling your name

Missing you, baby boy

Hallo hallo, Billy Buuz. Mummy missed you this week. Mummy was watching a film on TV and the missing girl came home. Mummy wished you would come home like that, but you never will. Mummy misses cuddling you, touching your tiny fingers and hands, looking at your beautiful soft face and changing you. Mummy misses everything about you and of you. Nothing will ever bring you back, Mummy even tries to dream about you and you don't come to Mummy in the dream. Mummy will wait to see you in my dream one day. Ok, Billy buuz, Mummy always gets upset when I write here, but this is good. I have you and it is the greatest thing. Mummy will make you live forever in people's mind. It's getting very close. :-) People will know who Billy buuz was, who this clever boy was. He was only 3 months old, but had the impact of lifetime in people's lives. Love you and grateful that you are Mummy's baby boy. XXXX

Love you, Billy Buuz

Hallo, baby boy. Mummy has been busy busy writing. It's a great feeling to be writing about you and Mummy's childhood. Mummy had a happy childhood. People think if someone is from Mongolia, it's a country that naked men riding horses! It's funny. Mummy wanted to share how life was and is in Mongolia. Not many people know that it's a country full of clever people as well as nutters like any other country. Mummy hoped you would come and see Mongolia one day. I know you can't physically now, but Mummy will take you there and show you in my head and book. You are Mummy's baby boy. It's so hurtful to see other Mums pushing prams with their babies. Mummy is getting better at handling my feelings, it was hard first, but now Mummy knows that you would be well known when Mummy finishes her book. People will talk about you just like anyone, because you are a symbol of many nice things. You are the voice for many people who can't talk about things because they are tied back with attitude in society, cultural barriers and blinding superstitions. Mummy is grateful that you are Mummy's boy. Mummy had hundreds of ideas before and never had the determination or guts to do anything about them. But now you sharpened Mummy, Mummy will do what I wanted to do for years influencing people in a positive way. Mummy want everyone to be happy and appreciate what they have instead of moaning about things and looking at the bad and the empty things. After all we need to start looking for nice and happy things in ourselves. Nobody can give it to us, just us, ourselves. So Mummy is spending my energy on this book for you and about you. Mummy wants to be strong for your brother, sister and Daddy. It's not that easy to keep it all the time, but Mummy will do it, because I have you. Mummy's celevr boy, watching over Mummy and with me all the time and all the way. Mummy knows nothing on earth will bring you back, but Mummy will miss you and talk about you just like any baby. Love you loads, your sniffly Mummy in her Mongolian blue deel. XXXXXXXXX

Our Billy

It has been a week or so since the last blog. Mummy has been busy with writing, asking people to proofread and help Mummy. It can be daunting sometimes because of the grammar, but Mummy loves writing. It comes out easily. Mummy doesn't know the quality, but Hey, you would be proud of Mummy, wouldn't you? Mummy has been missing you terribly last two days. I look at your picture and feel like hugging and cuddling you. It's such a shame, you are not here. Mummy tries to picture you sitting on my lap, looking around wondering what is going around you. Mummy and Daddy's friends' babies reached one this week. Mummy sent cards and little things. We were supposed to see your first birthday and more. Mummy will make a cake for your birthday and put it in front of your picture and put a slice at your grave. Your headstone is up now. It is dark green granite with silver writing. It says your names, date of birth and death, and a phrase in Mongolian 'Manai Billy Buuz Huu' meaning 'Our Billy Buuz Son'. That's how we called you. Mummy, Daddy, Granny and Granpa, we all called you like that. Mummy wants to help people through writing and give them the permission to feel happy, sad and angry. Mummy sees so many people keep their thoughts and grief to themselves, can't open it, even scared of opening the truth. Mummy feels it is healthy to talk about. Well that is if someone does not have something to regret. Some people realise the value of anything after it's gone. It's the same with people. It's better doing things for these loved ones while they are alive, not regreting afterwards. Then again it's easier said than done. Perhaps, Mummy can just help people to open up feel better through crying, talking and feeling emotions. Mummy saw a film called Eat Pray Love. It was a woman's journey in life. Interesting. People always find something to be unhappy about when life is perfect, or rather it seems perfect. We don't really know why I guess. Listen to your Mummy now. Mummy is talking to you about big grown up things. Mummy's clever boy, you are. Mummy will describe you with the best words in any language. Why? Because you are my boy, who would say that about you if your Mummy didn't. Mummy called you 'clever' when you were with us. Some people didn't like that. They said 'He would never be clever'. In Mummy's eyes, you are the most clever baby boy. Ok, Mummy'll go and write some about my childhood. Mummy is putting our story together in the book. You will live forever, in people's minds and in literture. Mummy is determined to do this for you three. You look out for Mummy and we'll get there. Billy Buuz, clever boy. Night night. XXXXX

Ginger Hair, Mongol Spots

Mummy has been writing a lot recently. It's great, it works as a therapy for Mummy. Mummy ends up in tears when writing about you. It's moving but helps Mummy to get things out of my chest. Your sister turned 12 2 days ago. We put a birthday cake for you, infront of your photos. We still visit the cemetery and light a candle every day. They had prepared the foundation for the headstone. So hopefully it will be up before your first birthday. I'm not sure how we would be on your birthday. It will be hard to accept you would have been one. You will be one, in Mummy's head. Mummy is making you live forever, writing about you and people will know who Billy was. The boy changed people, the boy who helped people to feel better, the boy who opened people's eyes. You made a lot of change already. Mummy's determined to do many things, charity work, writing, influencing people. So see you had done a lot already. My little baby boy with his ginger hair and Mongolian blue spots. Mummy's angel. Love you, Billy Buuz. XXXXXXX

Message from you...

Mummy saw a psychic today. It is not something I did before. Mummy wanted to see if it works. Mummy was in tears. The lady was telling me things about you and things you said. Mummy is happy that it felt real. I'm sure there are people out there think it might be mad. Mummy does not care. Mummy found comfort in those nice things the lady said.So you agree with Mummy and what we are doing. Mummy's got you on board now. :-) That's nice. We talk about you all the time. Your dad would say: 'Billy had blue eyes'. I think 'They were brown' and then we would look at your photos. Mummy started working in a charity book shop to get some research done for my book and to help in the community. There were children's books, lots of them. Mummy saw a book with a title included Billy in it. Mummy thought we didn't even have a chance to read a bed time story for you. Mummy could't teach you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or Maamuu Naash ir. You are everywhere. Mummy is getting used to remembering you without getting too upset. Yesterday, when the post arrived Mummy saw some catalogues selling children's party things and 1st birthday presents. You would have been 1 year old in November. Mummy had signed up for these catalogues expecting everything to be normal. Instead, Mummy tore the magazines and put them in the bin. It hurts me that Mummy couldn't hold you and take you in your pram to meet your brother at school. Mummy sees other people with their babies and think that this would have been us. Yes, Down's syndrome, but who cares. You were my baby boy. Mummy loved you whatever you had. Mummy's ginger boy, you were too good for here. Night night, sleep well. It was nice to 'talk' to you today. Love you. XXXX

Come to my dream...

Mummy has been very busy lately, writing the book I told you about. So although I didn't write here last week, I was writing about you, Billy buuz. Mummy is finding a great comfort in writing and motivated to do this book. It's Mummy's Master's and PhD. This would be so much more worth than any degree. Mummy will have a written history for you all, my babies. It will be there written down about us, Mummy's childhood in a rural place in Mongolia, hauling water from spring, dragging sheep in both hands, milking cows at moonlight and dreaming of chewing gum. You see, you made Mummy very brave and Mummy decided to do things to make a difference for others. Although, Mummy is still finding it hard to talk about you. I do want to and I do talk about you all the time. Mummy burst into tears the other day when I started talking about different projects in hospital, trying to encourage people to donate more. The projects they were talking about were all related to you and your sister's stay in hospital. So Mummy felt emotional and felt as if we lost you yesterday. I didn't think we will get over you ever, but only can find a way to handle our feelings. Mummy still expect other babies around your age to be about 3 months all the time. I forget that they are getting older. You will always be 3 months old in Mummy's head. Mummy hopes that you are pain free now. Mummy loves you dearly. You are Mummy's good baby boy, come and visit Mummy in my dream. Miss you and love you, Billy buuz. Mummy's fairytale hero with golden chest and silver bottom. XXXX

Sunset ...continues

Mummy was going to the cemetery just around the sun was setting a few times. I didn't notice it until I got there. The sun shines through clouds, making the ray beautiful and reaching your grave and Mummy. It's such a great feeling. Mummy feels connected with you, you are saying hello to Mummy. Mummy's friends give flowers for us to put on your grave. It's so nice. Jackie, Susan and Jackie. Mummy has two friends called Jackie and your daddy calls Mummy's mobile 'jackie machine'. It's good to have friends here, because you see Mummy used to miss her family and friends in Mongolia all the time. I'm not saying I don't now, but having friends help to settle in a new country. Mummy was in Mongolia two years ago. Mummy hasn't seen her sister for two years. Mummy misses her so so so much. She is Mummy's sister who Mummy would do anything in the world. Mummy used to look after her when she was little. Yeye - your sister and brother call her. Mummy's got a 'brother' too, but he is actually Mummy's cousin. He was brought up by your granny and granpa. He is a good brother. He has his own brothers and a sister. Now he is grown up and he seems closer to his own siblings. I guess he was separated from them because they had to. Poor things, lost their parents. Mummy has a lot of cousins in Mongolia, lost the number now, it was over 30 last time when I counted. Big family in Mongolia, but a tiny one here. Mummy is so glad that this blog and you can 'listen' to me. Mummy does not have to feel judged or bad about things. Mummy couldn't say 'I miss my family in Mongolia' before because people would think I couldn't settle here and make a living. So Mummy hid that feeling shoved it to the back of my head. Mummy is upset just now, but Mummy will go on and make sure this book is done. Mummy loves you dearly and it seems this is Mummy's therapy and a focus to deal with your death. So that I can move on with my life. Love you Billy Buuz. Night night. XXXXXXXXXXX