Scottish Asian Women's Award For Achievement

Hallo Billy buuz, it has been crazy, busy and good baby. Mummy's been so busy doing many things recently and as usual thought about you, lit candles for you and put food and sweets in front of your photo. February was easier than the prevous years but heavy as it's the 4th year anniversary of your death on 24th February. Mummy didn't write any post here in February. It was the only month Mummy didn't write a single post since you died. Yet, Mummy felt ok because the book is out and you live on in people's memories. Many people wrote to Mummy and spoke to Mummy after they read the book. It's amazing. Mummy has some good news too. We are all doing well and Mummy just got a new a job. It doesn't start another couple of weeks. Another good news is Mummy won an award! We are all delighted, your big brother and sister are so happy and your little sister is just running around because we are happy. It's Yeye's birthday today and she got a gold medal from a chess championship in Ulaanbaatar.

Mummy'll put the video of the Scottish Asian Women's Award's night here. Your Daddy recorded it on his phone. Good night, lovely boy. Love you so much. XXX

Happy Tsagaan Sar!

Hallo Billy buuz, big boy. Mummy is delighted with the book launch events in Glasgow and Ayr. So many people came and supported us, baby. Your daddy, sisters, brother and ovoo went too. Today is the Lunar New Year. In Mongolia it's Tsagaan Sar meaning 'white month'. We are expecting some Mongolian students from Glasgow and some friends tomorrow. We made some dumplings tonight. It was a lovely feeling, playing Mongolian songs and your big brother and sister helped. Your little sister was in bed then. Ovoo went home after the Glasgow launch event and he is spending Tsagaan Sar at home. It was good speaking to your great granny and great uncles and aunts as well as ovoo and emee today. They were all well. So it's a good start to the new year. It's a wooden horse year full of victories they say. Certainly we are very happy with the book because Mummy is doing another two events, one in London and one in Edinburgh. So it's all good. Also Mummy was invited to a book festival. Yes, that's good, isn't it?

Another fantastic news is that the book is in the British and Scottish library. Mummy's publisher Sara sent the letter to us! How lovely is she? She knew it was important to us. So there we are. Mummy showed to people at the book launch in Ayr and now it will be kept in the same box as we keep your memories. Love you baby, beautiful boy. XXXX

Here's a link to the book launch photos.

Book Launch week

Hallo Billy, Mummy's cutie pie. Very very busy week starting. The book launch is this Thursday officially. The book is out already and being sold in Waterstones, Amazon, Book depository websites and even this morning Mummy saw it in our local library, baby. It's happening! It's available in Mongolia too. Can you believe it? The outdoor shop opposite the Central Post Office in Ulaanbaatar is selling them. It's great.

Mummy is getting a bit emotional as the launch day approaches, missing you and having mixed feelings. It's great the book is coming out but it was because of losing you Mummy wrote it. So it's sad, but Mummy will look at it in a way that we talked before, making you live in people's mind, keeping you alive that way. Billy buuz existed, and he still does exist because he was so important baby, his parents loved him very much.

There was an excellent article in last week's UB POST newspaper. It's an English newspaper in Ulaanbaatar. UB stands for Ulaanbaatar. Mummy'll put the link here:

By MICHELLE BOROK
Uuganaa Ramsay went to the UK on a teaching scholarship in 2000, and more than a decade later – now a mother and author in Scotland – she continues to educate. Her newly published memoir, “Mongol” was released in e-book format on Human Rights Day, December 10, 2013, and will be available in paperback on January 16.
The book explores the junction of her life growing up in rural Mongolia, adapting as an immigrant in Britain, facing the challenge of being a mother of a child with Down’s Syndrome, and living with loss. The label of “Mongol” impacts her deeply in the memoir, as it shifts from a symbol of pride in Ramsay’s heritage to a word used to alienate, dehumanize and insult. The loss of her son Billy inspired her to share his story, tightly woven into her own.
As Mongolia responds to continued worldwide efforts to improve awareness for the rights and dignity of the differently-abled, Ramsay is on a parallel crusade to educate people about what it truly means to be “Mongol” and what that label is and is not. In an interview with the author, we learn more about her journey and her newfound life’s work. Read the full interview here.

So our first book launch event is in Waterstones, Argyle Street in Glasgow. We are all going. Ovoo is still with us, so he's coming too. Mummy will let you know how it went. Mummy's beautiful baby boy. Love you loads. XXXX

Happy 2014!

Hallo Billy buuz, a very exciting year is coming Billy! You are in books, memories, videos and many things. Yes, sun rays, rain drops, rainbows and everything. We visited Susan and Ian's house a few days ago and a butterfly came alive as we walked in. Susan was so touched and she was explaining that they thought the butterfly was dead really. It didn't move for months. It's December and this butterfly came alive. Mummy was so pleased to see this beautiful butterfly. Your Daddy took photos and we all enjoyed it while it flew over our heads... You know Mummy likes seeing butterflies. They remind Mummy of you and Mummy thinks you are sending a sign, saying hello. Wonderful.

Your ovoo is here from Mongolia and we have been playing Uno a lot. It's a card game and easy to understand not involving too much language. Yes, we are having a good time and we hope the new year will bring us lots of good news and healthy and happy time. Only an hour and a half until 2014. The others are in the living room waiting for Mummy to play the next round of Uno game. Mummy's beautiful baby boy, you are always with us. Mummy was interviewed by a Spanish radio yesterday. It's called Talk Radio Europe. The phone line was a bit problematic to start with, but got it sorted eventually. Mummy talked about you too. We will keep talking about you and lighting candles at home and at your grave. You are a loved baby. Happy New Year, the brightest star in our universe. Love you loads. XXXX

Mongol, with Uuganaa Ramsay - Happy New Year Billy buuz.

Good news!

Hallo hallo hallo Billy buuz! Mummy's beautiful big, baby boy! You must already know that the Kindle version of our book is out today! It was a busy day. Your baby sister was supposed to see Santa at her playgroup and she couldn't go because she had a cold. She was not in a good mood at all. We took her to a doctor who said the cold would go away in a few days time. So let's hope so.
Your big brother and sister are doing fine, just busy with Christmas parties at school.

You all have your advent calendars as usual. Yours is the one with Mr Tumble. There's One Direction one, The Simpsons and Peppa Pig one. You can guess which is whose really. :) Your baby sister has your chocolates. She casually waves at your photo and says 'Thanks Billy'. That makes everyone laugh. She is funny.

So the Kindle edition is out today and already we have a snapshot of it on Amazon Kindle bestseller's rank. It was #5 on one of the categories. Very pleased, baby. Your Daddy got Mummy a beautiful bunch of flowers and we had a take away dinner. Your big brother celebrated with a fizzy drink and your little sister with some chocolate buttons. Your big sister enjoyed the meal. She is very healthy. :)

So yes we did it Billy. Mummy's big boy. You inspired Mummy and the story is being read by people around the world. You will live in people's mind. People will know who Billy was. People will remember this tiny baby boy who had celtic red hair and Mongolian blue spots. He was a Mongol because his Mummy is a Mongol. Love you loads. Mummy's angel baby. Night night. XXXXX

Scottish Daily Record Article

Hello Billy buuz, it has been busy time with many events to organise. Also it's the winter time and the runny nose army has arrived in our house. Your baby sister is very cute, she says: I'm not well, Mummy. Runny nose! So Mummy leaves whatever she is doing and attends to her nose. She is in a good mood though, dancing while watching the Night Garden programme on Cbeebies. She is very funny. She makes a little mistake while dancing and says very quickly 'sorry sorry' and carries on dancing. Aww, Mummy loves this stage. Toddlers starting to walk and talk and their personality starting to show more than before.
Your big brother is doing well in his football but he was off school today because of a cold. The only one who is out at school is your big sister. Mummy keeps remembering hor your Mongolian grandfather and grandmother (ovoo and emee) used to warn Mummy to wear warm clothes. Now Mummy has turned into them herself. Scotland is warmer than Mongolia in winter but it's damp. So it feels cold too. Mummy used to wear felt boots and sheep skin deels and later on marmot skin coat.

Mummy was on Daily Record newspaper last Saturday. Mummy will put a link here. The article has over 800 likes and shares on Facebook and about 30 tweets on Twitter. The journalist did a good job.


THIS Christmas there will be an extra plate of food set out on the table at the Ramsay house in Troon for baby Billy, who was born with Down’s Syndrome and lived for only three months.
When someone celebrates a birthday in the family, Uuganaa Ramsay will cut an extra slice of cake for Billy and when her other three children sign a card they’ll always add their lost little brother’s name.
Billy died in February 2010 but he’ll never be forgotten by his family and now Uuganaa has written a book about moving from Mongolia to Scotland and how she coped with the tragic death of her child...
The article link is here. 
Love you Billy. XXXX

Quiet Birthday

Hallo Billy buuz. Happy birthday, baby boy. Not sure if it's a right thing to say. Today was a quiet day. Your Daddy took a day off from work and we stayed at home mostly. Mummy was trying to spend the day without tears saying to herself that today was about your birth. But it's not easy ... the emptiness is overwhelming and very emotional ... missing you.

Tears heading south
Till wets mouth
Funeral music
Floats in grief

Candle burns
Crackles with rain
Gravestone cries
Silently.

Good night, baby boy. Love you loads. XXXX

 

Book launch prep

Hallo Billy buuz, Mummy's big boy. Many children around your age are turning 4 this year. A week tomorrow is your birthday. Mummy cried today after reading a short story which was written by a member of Mummy's writers' club. It reminded Mummy of you, your hand prints and how your Daddy wanted to get your name tattooed. Mummy has a tattoo to remind you already. It's the c-section wound, your entrance to the world. Mummy likes listening to I Have A Dream by ABBA while having a shower. It feels somehow Mummy connects with you, I believe in angels ... Something good in everything I see ...

Our book is coming out in January and Mummy's publisher is organising the book launch events. They will be in Glasgow, Ayr, Edinburgh and London. That's the plan. We have two dates so far, still organising them. Mummy will invite the people who came to your funeral. Mummy and Daddy were touched to see them turning up to be there for us.

Your ovoo is hoping to come for Christmas, New Year and the book launch. He'd applied for his visa. The last time he was here was for your funeral. Mummy's book starts with his departure after that visit ...

Your big brother and sisters are doing well, growing up fast. Your little sister is very good at picking up words and phrases. Mummy keeps hearing herself back. She is very funny. She makes us all smile. Mummy was telling off your big brother because he was messing about while doing his homework and she piped up: Mummy, don worry. He's fine. He's awright.
That made us laugh and your big brother was so proud of her.

Mummy felt good having the book in her hand and it felt something tangible was done for you. But Mummy still feels teary at times as some things trigger her emotions like today's story. Mummy was trying to hide her tears from your big brother and sister, had to pretend busy doing something, not facing them.

We love you baby, we will never forget you, we will always remember you. Mummy's lovely boy. Good night. XXXX Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder where you are, lovely tiny angel star. XXXX

Awareness, Acceptance, Reality

Hallo Billy, Mummy wrote this post on her book site and it talks about you as well. So Mummy'll put it here too. We've been all well, many exciting things happening. It's October. November comes with darkness, coldness and a reminder of your birthday. Night Billy. Love you loads, baby. XXXXX

'Many people write and talk about Down’s syndrome in many different styles, from a wide range of angles raising awareness of why it happens, what are the myths and so on. We as a family will never forget the consequence of Down’s syndrome. It affected us so many ways. Our two-year-old points at the cemetery and calls her brother’s name, her brother that she never met. October is a hard month as it whispers into our hearts that Billy’s birthday is next month. Other parents prepare birthday presents and cakes and we are silently crying, looking at children around Billy’s age coming out of nursery gates and feeling the heavy emptiness in our hearts.
I remember walking down the street with Billy, super-sensitive and ready to spot anyone’s glance and preparing myself to hear nasty comments. Perhaps now I might be offending parents and carers who are with their babies, with their teens by staring at them, trying to picture what it would have been like with Billy. Our family might look ‘normal’ from the outside walking down the street, but Billy is missing. What I’m trying to say is that we never know other people’s stories.
I don’t know what Billy’s first smile would have been like, I will never know. I had a glimpse of his smile while he was sleeping on a hospital bed. That was the only smile I was to see. So yes, be aware that there are many parents, relatives, grandparents, sisters and brothers out there remembering their loved ones because Down’s syndrome changed them, hurt them and made impacts in their lives.'

Mummy is in the Scottish Sunday Express

Hallo Billy, mummy's bootiful boy. Mummy has been busy but some good opportunities for us to spread the word and raise more awareness. So here is a photo of the article which was in the Scottish Sunday Express newspaper last Sunday.

We did it, baby.

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy's cutie pie. Mummy went on the trek and had a wonderful time. It was very challenging at times, but the nature was just gorgious and the people were just lovely. Mummy has gained a few friends from that trip. Your little bear came with Mummy and walked with Mummy in her inside pocket. You kept Mummy going, Mummy's love for you kept her going. Eigg and Rum were the isles we visited and Mummy would love to go back again, visiting properly. The silence was heavenly, the sound of nature was beautiful. Mummy was worried about being sea sick on the speed boats, but there was no time for sickness. It was so exciting and the seats on the boats reminded Mummy of horsebacks. So she just stood up holding on to the bars in front of her.

We stayed in a bunkhouse and Mummy shared her room with four other women who were so friendly and warm. Mummy hopes to keep in touch with them. Life seems so full on with many things coming up. Mummy has some plans to get the book out there in different ways, so we will see baby, we will see. Mummy thought you were there too making the trip easier for Mummy. Askivell, the top of the mountain on Rum is hard to get to apparently. If the weather is bad, people are not allowed go up but the day we went up was perfect. It was just meant to be. Not much wind, it wasn't too sunny, not too cold. Perfect. Mummy was thankful.

Your brother, sisters and Daddy were well while Mummy was away. Actually, not so well, because your little sister had a cold, not too bad but runny nose and a bit run down. Apart from that they were great.

Mummy slept and slept for the next few days, recovering from her walks. Overall though, Mummy had a good time with great people in a beautiful surrounding. So we did it baby. The fundraising target is 106%! People are so kind, baby. We are grateful. You inspire Mummy to do so many things. Love you loads. XXXXX

The Preview Copy of Mongol

Hallo Billy! This book was inspired by you, baby. Mummy remembers vividly that she promised she'd make you live in people's minds. We did it. You are in history, because this book will be in the British Library archive. Mummy's beautiful baby boy. Love you loads. XXXX

Mummy is doing Big Small Isles Challenge

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy is raising funds for Down's Syndrome Scotland in memory of you. Your Daddy is so supportive and we are going for it. This is the challenge page Mummy just set up: 

As parents we want to help other families and be more involved, but the truth is when I see children and adults with Down's syndrome I feel teary and miss our baby. It's still very close to our heart. 
 
This challenge gives us the opportunity to help children and adults with Down's syndrome by doing something in memory of our much missed baby boy Billy.
 
On the 6th to the 8th September I'm trying to raise funds for Down’s syndrome Scotland by completing the ‘Big Small Isles Challenge’. 

THE CHALLENGE:
The Small Isles consist of the islands of Rum, Eigg, Muck and Canna. On this charity challenge event, I must visit all four of the Small Isles and climb to the highest point on each one. The itinerary provides the physical challenge of climbing 4 mountains over 2 days (ranging from 137m - 812m high), with the excitement of high speed RIB transfers between the islands. (It will be a challenge - I get sea sickness and I can't swim!)

THE CHARITY:
Down’s Syndrome Scotland provides services, support and information to people with Down’s syndrome, their families and professionals. They work to help people with Down’s syndrome reach their full potential. The charity’s Family Support Service provides home visits to families; training to teachers, coaches and carers; and support and information via telephone, e-mail and social media. Their Down’s syndrome Sports initiative provides dance, football, gymnastics, karate, swimming and tennis to children and adults with Down’s syndrome. They also provide a Parent Contact Service, which provides parent mentors to families needing information and support on various issues from schooling to independent living.
Every year Down’s syndrome Scotland has to raise 74 per cent of their income from the public in order to continue to provide support, information and services to families of a person with Down’s syndrome. With your help you can continue the important work of this worthy charity. For every £50 you raise, it allows the charity’s Family Support Service to visit a family at their home to provide them with much-needed support, information and services.
So please sponsor me and with your help we can make such a difference to adults and children with Down’s syndrome.
Thank you,
Uuganaa
Donate from your mobile: text BUUZ99  (the amount) £10 to 70070

Missing you

Hallo Billy. Mummy misses you. There's not a day Mummy doesn't think of you. Mummy is speaking up and about many stigmas, prejudices and emotional things these days. There are people who think Mummy is embarrassing them by bringing up this subject. Mummy feels very strong about this term now. Mummy started it, so Mummy will do everything she can while she has the chance.

Many people are very supportive. In fact just a few days ago someone posted a video on Youtube. The video was the Mongolian Airlines plane landed and took off from Edinburgh airport. That was probably the first time ever a Mongolian plane landed there. The plane brought the military band for this year's Tattoo in Edinburgh. Mummy was so excited and glad that someone captured this historic moment. Then the video captions included the word Mong! Mummy was so upset that she shared the link on Facebook and Twitter. Mummy cried in bed that night. The plane was only for about an hour and that word came up! Mummy couldn't believe it. Then a few people wrote to the guy and he took the captions off. Mummy was so pleased. Mummy hopes now that the person understands why it is offensive. Mummy is grateful to her friends and even strangers who did something about it. Your Daddy was good. We feel each other's pain. He did what he could too.

Mummy thinks that this example shows we can raise awareness. People do understand and change can happen.

Mummy likes this quote by Nelson Mandela:

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

Holiday

Hallo Billy buuz, big boy. You are a big boy because you are a big brother now. We were on holiday in Chester last week. It was a lovely time. We lit a candle for you in the cathedral. You are everywhere, baby. Mummy should stop calling you all 'baby' because your little sister thinks she is a baby still and likes to be in her cot with Mummy giving her a bottle of milk.

Your big sister and brother are doing well, enjoying the holidays. A Scottish tennis played called Andy Murray won the Wimbledon this year and it was a great fun watching him win. Your big brother is so keen to play tennis now and asks us to play with him again and again. So we do, but with your little sister wanting to walk all the time holding hands it can be a bit of a challenge.

Mummy and Daddy have been making our house nice. Your Daddy has been painting the outside of the house and Mummy was just pottering around the garden and shopping for things to decorate the new extension. It's a nice feeling.

We are still deciding the book cover at the moment. Mummy and Daddy have seen some of the designs and they all look good. So we will see which one will be the best. The publisher has been a great support and she is very easy to speak to. Mummy started writing the book in Mongolian. Saying that, Mummy needs to crack on to get it done before your big sister's birthday. That's Mummy's deadline. Mummy also made a vision board that what Mummy wants to achieve in life. So that's a nice way to see a concrete goal even though most of them are untangible and feeling happy.

Mummy's meeting lots of interesting and inspiring people and many exciting things to come. Mummy's little and big boy - you are in our hearts. We will do it together and make it happen. Ok, Billy good night. Love you loads and loads. Mummy's angel. XXXX

"I Have A Dream" by ABBA

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream ...

Summer is here

Hallo Billy buuz, baby boy. Mummy's bootiful. It's been lovely recently with the sun out, barbeque smells, ice-creams melting and 'appy, appy' as your baby sister would say. She is funny. Even the word 'funny' makes her laugh. She thinks the word 'funny' means you laugh out loud. She was 2 a few days ago! Can you believe it?! We had to light the candle again and again, so that she can blow it out again and again. She is the boss in our house. You can imagine. We put your piece of cake infront of your photo as always.

Your big sister is doing great at school. She is finishing this year with a merit again. She was so pleased and Mummy and Daddy are so proud. Your big brother loves football. He goes to a club every week and Mummy picked him up last night after it. He was in tears. His team lost the game. He reminds Mummy of herself. Mummy used to wrestle with your Mongolian grandpa when she was little and would cry if she didn't win. Oh well, the competitive side can be a good thing if we deal with it well. He is learning to lose as well, he needs to know that he can't win all the time.

Mummy keeps thinking about you. You used to be very alert for your age. Unfortunately, you spent the last month of your life asleep, on drugs. We all miss you, baby and we are managing our feelings better. But sometimes it's hard. Mummy is looking forward to the book coming out. Mummy's clever boy, we are achieving what we said we would. The book will be in the British Library, you are in history. Mummy wanted that. Your story will live in people's minds. Mummy's lovely boy. Mummy wishes she could kiss you, hold you and look into your eyes. The birghtest star in the sky. Love you loads. XXXX

Mummy's birthday

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mamma's baba. Mummy's brightest star in the sky. It's been a lovely few days, sunny and warm. Mummy's birthday was a couple of days ago and we had a lovely time. Mummy had a looong lie in and then breakfast in bed. Your Daddy got up with your baby sister very early and then your big sister made breakfast for Mummy. Mummy could hear her sticking Happy Birthday banners round the house and it already made Mummy smile. Your Daddy did a barbeque for lunch and we all had a lovely time enjoying our little garden. Your baby sister was dancing and clapping saying 'Happy, happy.' She had everyone close to her beside her and she picked up the happy atmosphere. It was good. Your big brother loves picking her up and she screams sometimes if it's a bit rough. Your big sister helped with the bbq, too. You won't believe it, we went out for dinner, too. Then we managed to get home before your little sister started to get sleepy. So the day ended with us having the chimneya on in the garden and your big brother and sister melted marshmallows in the fire. It was magical.

Mummy went out the next day with her friends. It was good to be out, too. So you see Mummy is enjoying herself. We light our candles for you and talk about you as always. The book is coming on and Mummy is raising awareness on the misuse of the term. Yeah, life is good. You are with us, in our hearts. Mummy's beautiful baby boy. Mummy wanted to share the happy times with you, too. Night night. Love you, baby boy. XXXX

Time

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy wanted to write here for a while and this month has gone really fast. It was your Daddy's birthday a few days ago and as usual we shared a cake with you. The candles are still being lit on your grave and at home. Mummy's finished the book and now thinking about raising awareness more. So Mummy started a Facebook page which is good, but Mummy realised Mummy has to do the posts in English and Mongolian because people who are following the page are from different countries and speak different languages. Mummy can do in those two languages at least. English is a wide spread language and the Mongolians who told Mummy that they don't understand English can read in Mongolian.

Mummy has been tearful recently, not so sure why. Mummy is missing you a lot. They say time helps, but Mummy finds that's not true sometimes. Anyway, your sisters and brother are good to have, keeping Mummy busy. Your baby sister is walking. Hurray. Well, with one hand held mostly, but it's good she is doing it. She can talk well though. Today Mummy was out walking with her at the beach and Mummy sang badly. She said: Mummy, no. Please. It was so funny. Mummy realised she was copying your big brother and sister. Sometimes, Mummy and daddy do silly things to wind them up. So there we are.

The summer is almost here. You would think it's almost the end of May and we can wear summer clothes, but not this year. Mummy's wearing a couple of layers at least to keep warm.

Mummy is thinking of making a documentary or some kind of film based on or around the book. Suddenly, Mummy bumps into people who might be able to help. Yesterday, in a supermarket this guy who lectures in Film and TV stopped and talked to Mummy about the idea and offered suggestions. It's lovely to have a goal and focus. Mummy starts to notice things more then.

Ok, baby boy. Mummy's lovely boy. It's so unreal, you are not here. Yet, you are here. Love you so much. Kissing your red head. XXXX

Almost there

Hallo Billy. Mamma's bootiful baba. Mummy calls you all all sorts of names. Your baby sister even knows that. She responds to Mummy whichever name Mummy calls her. Sometimes Mummy calls everyone's name to find one of your names. You'd think Mummy is not that old, but Mummy does that. Mummy likes it because it makes your Daddy and big brother and sister laugh. Mummy is so happy recently. Why? You know why! Our book will be out soon enough. The book you inspired Mummy to write. The book came out from Mummy's heart. Mummy is excited but scared at the same time. We are lighting candles every night and think of you every day. Maybe not as intense as before, but you are with us wherever we go. Mummy likes talking about you four. Only now Mummy realises what is important in life. It's a lovely feeling taking your little sister to the beach and take in everything, sea breeze, the sun, clouds - just amazing. Your little sister is repeating everything she hears. So you can imagine she is turning into a small Mummy. It's funny really. She plays a lot with Connect Four circles. She calls them 'money.' We never knew those little circles can turn into all sorts of games. She puts them in a small plastic chewing gum container and then emties it, putting them in her tea set pretending they are food. It's lovely. But Mummy's exhausted sometimes. The best feeling ever can be felt just after putting her to bed and close her door carefully saying 'Good night.' Mummy goes downstairs makes a cup of tea and settles down for a good hour. Then it's time to do other things, like writing or reading or watching TV with your Daddy. It's good. Mummy's telling you all sorts here tonight. But Mummy loves telling you stuff, sharing with you. Mummy's beautiful baby boy. Love you loads and loads. A Big wet kiss on your ginger hair. Night night. XXXXX

Epilogue

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy's been soo busy trying to finish the book and write the epilogue. Mummy's baby boy shining bright in the sky, looking down. Our book, Mummy's book for you is almost finished. We have a publisher and Mummy is just waiting to sign the contract. Mummy is scared but excited that this book will be out telling people a story, a history and a tale. They will remember who you were and how you inspired Mummy to do many things. Mummy had a glimpse of memory of you yesterday. Mummy tried to picture you in her mind, eyes closed and then it flashed very fast in front of Mummy's eyes. You looking up, awake, looked so cute. Mummy misses you so much. Mummy can't tell you how much. Mummy still calls you all each other's names. Mummy called your big brother almost Billy yesterday. Mummy has recieved a phone call last Sunday. A couple had their baby three months early and the baby is an intensive care. Mummy went to interpet for them and visited the neonatal unit. It was somewhere else from where you were, but it brought back lots of memories. Mummy tried to help them, but still so hard. Mummy knew exactly ow they were feeling, very poorly baby attached to lots of wires and tubes. There is nothing the parents can do. It's been the Easter holidays and we are enjoying our time together. Your baby sister is a great one to make everyone smile and repeat anything she hears. Mummy hears herself back when she says phrases like 'Oh dear.' She is so funny. She cuddles to us all and very bossy too. Your big brother and sister laugh and do whatever she wants them to do. It's sweet to see them playing together. But there is a shadow in our hearts, a hole always. Billy Buuz. It's you, baby. We love you, baby. Night night. XXXX

Winter

Hallo Billy Buuz. It's been a strange winter this year. Sunny, windy, snowy, rainy. Your siblings have been not keeping that well either. It's been non-stop antibiotics, trips to doctors. We are hoping the spring is coming soon. Mummy planted some flowers. Actually, your big sister planted some tulips last year around our new driveway and the are growing now, soon they will flower. Talking about flowers, Mummy spoke to Jackie and yes, it was her who put the snowdrops and the muffin. In fact she came around yesterday with some muffins. She has been off for a while because of her eyes. Viral infections are terrible sometimes. She's getiing there, but not recovering fully. It's Yeye's birthday tomorrow. Mummy was with her 8 years ago for her birthday. Mummy was thinking actually, chatting to your Mongolian grandparents online and realised Mummy hasn't visited the ger-Mummy grew up for 7 years now. It's lovely to see the inside of the ger now through the webcamera. Oh, we have some good news. Our book is getting published! Mummy is working on it with an editor. Mummy can't say any more yet. Mummy saw a draft cover! It's great. Ok, we'll change the subject, we will tell you soon, baby boy. You know it already I guess. It's good. Mummy is in a happy phase just now. So it's good. As long as your siblings keep well, that's the main thing. Your Daddy's work is going well, he is enjoying it now because of an interesting project. So yeah, we are in a good place. We are still lighting a candle every night at home and sometimes at the cemetery. The day you passed away was 24th Feb 2010. This year, we spent half the night in hospital with your baby sister. It was not nice at all. The nurses asked if she had any brothers and sisters. Mummy mentioned you and then they asked 'When did he die?' Mummy said 'Three years ago tonight.' It was horrible. Your baby sister was sick and wouldn't keep anything down. There's a nasty bug going around. She was better after a few hours in hospital and we came home about 2.30am in the morning. We were desperate to come home. All the memories of losing you chased us. Anyway, your baby sister is better now and she is learning new words every day. She likes to do 'High five.' She can't say it, she says 'Hipaiv.' Ok, baby boy. Sleep well. Love you loads and loads. Mummy's shining star in the sky. Bootiful baba boy. Love you. XXXX

Thank you message

Hallo Billy buuz, Mummy wanted to thank a very kind person in this post. Today is the 8th of the first month of the Lunar New Year. So it is considered very good day to light candles and pray. So Mummy wanted to visit you and light a couple of candles. There Mummy saw a beautiful bunch of snowdrops and a yummy looking chocolate muffin on your grave. Mummy was so touched that she almost cried. People are so kind. Mummy was not sure who it might be. There are a few friends who would do that kind of kind gestures, but Mummy wasn't sure. Jackie likes baking muffins and she was talking about your snowdrops coming up in their garden. So it might be her. Or it might be Susan, then she gave us a little pot of plant last week. So maybe it's not her. It might be Chrissy ... Maybe. We will see who this might be. Mummy was touched and told your daddy, brother and sisters, even Facebook. Do you hear Mummy?! Facebook. Mummy finds social media quite useful these days. There is so much out there, no time to be bored, so much to learn and do. Mummy has some Mongolian radio apps on her phone, your Daddy was commenting that he'd thought it would've happened a while ago. Sure, Mummy likes to listen to Mongolian songs and now your baby sister loves to watch children's song videos on Youtube. Mummy took your baby sister swimming and Mummy didn't know some of the rhymes, she doesn't have a clue and starts to sing in Mongolian. She will make an affort and learn Humpty Dumpty and the other songs they sing like the Wheels on the Bus.

This weekend is the anniversary of you leaving us. Three years. Three years. It seems not so long but at the same time where has the time gone?!

Yeye was here for five days and left this week. It's always good to be with her. Mummy needs to let her be a grown up though. Mummy now understands how your Emee and Ovoo felt when Mummy left home. It was easier and harder in some ways, no mobiles then. The only time they contacted Mummy was they had to go to the local post office and book a 5 min and then wait in the waiting area until they were called into a booth. Mummy missed her parents after left home, she used to sing 'Өвсний толгой цайраад байна
Өвөл болсны шинж үү дээ
Өөрөө ч мэдэлгүй уйлах юм
Ээжийгээ санасны шинж үү дээ' meaning roughly

'The valley covered in white
The sign of winter coming
Tears running down no control
Tell tell sign of missing my mother.'

Ok baby, Mummy misses you so much, Mummy and Daddy, your brother and big sister, your Yeye, Emee, Ovoo - we all miss you dearly. You were our baby boy, big brother, baby brother, grandson, greatgrandson, nephew, cousin ...  Mummy's bootiful baby with golden chest and silver bottom, just like in Mongolian fairytales.

Trip to London

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy's baby boy. Mummy was going through some photos of you a couple of days ago to send to a magazine with an article Mummy wrote. Your Daddy helped by choosing some too. Mummy has to detach her feelings sometimes because it's quite sad looking through your photos and happy at the same time while looking at your little face and eyes. Sweet and sour feeling, fragile, Mummy's tears just sitting there about to burst if anything happens to poke her hurt a little bit more. Mummy is aware of these feelings and most of the time now Mummy tries not to cry because the times are not right. Your brother and sisters are about to come home or they are there. So Mummy lock her feelings, but... but writing here after they are in bed is the best suited time. Your Daddy knows exactly how Mummy feels without talking to each other. There was a programme on tonight on TV called 'Call the Midwife.' They had a funeral for a baby boy. Mummy and Daddy don't really watch that programme normally, it just happened to be on and we half watched it. It brought back many memories and Mummy remembers you in a little coffin, looking so perfect. The thing Mummy didn't realise then was once that coffin was closed that was it. We were never to see you ever again.

Mummy's little boy came for a reason, woke Mummy up. Recently, Mummy was listening to a Scottish writer Janice Galloway's talk at her writers' club. Janice Galloway said: 'When someone dies they give you a gift.' Well, Mummy felt it was true in your case. You gave Mummy the gift of courage, braveness and creativity. Mummy is determined to leave your name in history. There will be people who thinks Mummy is nuts. But hey, we can do it, we will, baby.

Last week, Mummy went to London to attend a reception at the Whitehall where the Foreign and Commonwealth Office is. The event was to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Mongolian and British Diplomatic relations. Mummy wore her red deel and had her hair up and made an effort to fit the occassion. To Mummy's surprise there were a few influential people including William Hague and Michael Howard and other ambassadors. Mummy saw Baabaa, too. He is Mummy's uncle, he is your Mongolian granny's big brother. Mummy had some photos taken with some people.

Yeye is coming soon. So excited, can't wait. Love you baby, have to finish this post for some reason it keeps giving an error saying can't save it. So Mummy'll continue another day. Brightest star in the sky. Night night. Love you so much, Mummy's baby boy. XXXXXXXX

Up and Down

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy's baby boy. Your photo in the hall is Mummy's favourite now. You are on your Mongolian Granny's lap, lying on your back looking up. Your Granny-Emee is sitting on the living room couch and your big sister and brother are sitting beside her. They are all laughing. You are wearing your 'My brother loves me' top. Mummy wishes she could cuddle you once more. But it's not going to happen, doesn't matter how good Mummy is and doesn't matter how much stuff, money, fame anything. Mummy has to be optimistic and sometimes, it's hard to be upbeat all the time. But Mummy wil try.

Your brother and sisters are doing great. In fact, your big sister and brother are doing well at school. Mummy and Daddy are very proud. Your little lister is doing well too. She says many words and tries to sing. She likes watching a cartoon called Peppa Pig and she is picking up words very quickly these days. She says some wors in Mongolian and English. She can say: Bombog-Ball; Nom-Book; Maama-Baby. So she is a clever cookie. She is not walking though. One day she will run probably. We will see.

Mummy was a bit down this morning and now it's the evening and the others are in bed and your Daddy's out to the pub. Mummy feels so much better, especially after your big sister's parents' night at school. All the teachers were very positive and happy about the way your big sister is progressing. Your big sister loves arty things, she did portrait of you all and gave Mummy and Daddy as a present. The best present, ever!

Yeye will come soon for a visit. Mummy can't wait to see your auntie Yeye. Mummy's baby sister. She is a very clever young lady, she plays chess so well. She got it from your Ovoo.

Ok, babes. Mummy's bootiful baby boy. Shine bright in the sky and Mummy will watch you every night. Love you loads. XXXXX

Another Christmas

Hallo Billy buuz. Mummy's red head. It's been a busy few weeks with all the festive events. We are all well, apart from your baby sister's teething phase. You Daddy and Mummy have been up every night with her crying little bit. She was in a much better mood today.

We spent the Christmas day with your Daddy's cousin and his wife from north of Scotland. They stayed here for a couple of nights. It was nice to have a family around as you know the other side of the family is in Mongolia. Not so much of visiting each other can happen from the other side of the world. On Christmas day, Mummy and Daddy both visited your grave and lit candles, put a cracker, a few Roses chocolates, a mince pie and a lovely cupcake which was given by the relatives. It was a lovely day, calm and not so windy.

We had  a good day, especially your siblings, playing all day with their new presents. Your baby sister loved a tea set. She likes the tea pot that makes a pouring noise. Your brother loves his new watch. He was so pleased that the watch came in a ox with a window and it had even its own cushion. Your big sister is carrying her camera everywhere. Your Daddy took them to places where they could take nice photos. Mummy will be getting 'busy' ish with a lovely new sewing machine. And your Daddy is enjoying his new office in the attic, with new chairs and his gadgets. Yeah, it's been a good year on the whole. Tomorrow is the last day of 2012.

Ok, Billy buuz, you keep shining on us and we will keep you in our hearts forever. Love you loads. Good might. XXXX

Advent calendars already

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy's bootiful baby boy! Bootiful, Mummy calls you because you are. It is December now. Your brother and sisters started opening their advent calendars. Yours is there too. Your chocolates are put in front of your photo on the mantelpeice beside the candle. This year your Daddy got you all the same advent calendars. They all have reindeers and Santa. We put them on our bookshelf in the living room. Every morning, after breakfast it's a huge rush to get to the calendars.

We are teaching your baby sister to say 'Santa.' She is funny. She is such a bossy little girl, telling and commanding everyone to do things for her. Your big sister is her favourite out of all of us. She loves playing with your brother too, giggling and twisting and wriggling about. Such a lovely picture to see them all happy playing together. Of course, there is always, always and always someone is missing. That little gap, a big gap, a tiny person, huge space, a puzzle peice from our family jigsaw. The hole for that missing puzzle is worn, the other edges stained with tears, heartache and love, stitched with kisses, nappies, tissues, tears and pain. The other edges lost that part forever and they will stay unfinished as long as they stay in that position for the rest of their lives.

While we were driving to your big sister's piano lesson your brother asked 'Mum, how does Santa come down if the house doesn't have a chimney?' He is lovely, he is seven and still believes in Santa. He talked about writing to Santa. So we will see. There is a post box in a cafe in our town for Santa's letters and the kids recieve letters back from Santa. How amazing is that?!

Mummy didn't know who Santa was till Mummy moved to Britain. She knew the Grandfather of Winter. He dressed the same as Santa. In Mongolia they celebrated New Year, not Christmas. Mummy loved it when your grandfather put the tree up. Your granny's pupils gave that tree as a present to Mummy when she was born. It's a tiny tree the size of a cat, probably. Mummy put the snow in front of it with your grandfather using cotton wool balls attaching them on strings.

Your brother and big sister were asking when we can put our tree up. Maybe another week or two. We will see. Mummy loves Christmas now. Your Daddy says that Mummy's gone crazy about Christmas considering someone who didn't know what it was until recently. Yes, Mummy will decorate the house with your siblings and put your toys out, too. You were home for Christmas even though you only lived for three months.

Mummy and Daddy's new room has velux windows which are on the roof. So it's so lovely when the sky is clear. Mummy looks at the stars and go to sleep having a twinkling thought about her little baby boy in the sky amongst the million stars. Good night baby boy. Love you loads. Mummy's bootiful baby boy. XXXXX 

Birthday boy

Hallo Billy Buuz. It is getting cold now and our extension work is almost done. Mummy and Daddy have been busy with painting the walls, putting floors down and hanging curtains. The house is looking much nicer now. Today we had some carpet down on the stairs and the landings.

We have been lighting candles for you and every day, yes, every day we talk about you, think about you and share little things with you. In fact there is a chocolate cupcake in front of your photo at the moment beside a lit candle.

On your birthday we went out for dinner. All of us. Your sisters, brother and Mummy and Daddy. We also went to the cemetery and lit candles and put flowers. Mummy went first with your baby sister. She sat on her blanket while Mummy put the candle and the flowers down on your grave. It was a cold and rainy day. Your little sister saw the sweeties on your grave and started saying 'yum, yum.' Jackie had left a packet of Jelly Tots for you. So we had some of that. She enjoyed some of it and we brought it back home with us. Your big brother helped himself with most of that. It's better that way, otherwise it would have attracted all sorts left open outside.

You would have been 3 this year and probably thinking of going to nursery or something. Mummy's brave little man you were. Mummy still pictures you enjoying your bath in Mummy's arms and your big brother and big sister all going 'awww.' Mummy thought Mummy was doing well handling her emotions, but it's unpredictable. It can start suddenly, anything can trigger Mummy's tears reminding you, making her miss you. Recently Mummy bumped into a nice nurse who looked after you just after you were born. She was always nice, so kind. That kind of profession needs people like her. Mummy thought it must be nice for them to see the babies they looked after if they lived. Growing taller and walking and talking.

 Ok, Mummy needs to stop now, she started to sniff and wiping her tears in anything she can see past the tears, baby. Night night, baby boy. Mummy's brightest star in the sky. Love you loads. Hope there is a place that I can meet you again. Somewhere in the middle of million stars. XXXXX

Why don't we grow more resilience?!

Hallo Billy Buuz? It's your birthday tomorrow. You would've been 3 years old. Exactly 3 years ago Mummy went for her check-up and all started from there. Now, we don't have you in our arms, noticing other children starting nursery, running around, talking and growing up. 

Mummy does not want to go on any more that we don't have you, instead Mummy is trying to leave something behind, do something worthwhile in memory of you. Mummy realised many people must have gone through similar situations and didn't have the chance to bring up stigma or stand up for themselves because of language issues, lack of knowledge and courage. Mummy is not saying Mummy has these all, all Mummy has is this drive to help people who are and who will face the same situation for years. Mummy comes across many obstacles challenging what Mummy is trying to. Mummy has to be clever and good at communicating with people even when she is angry inside.

 'Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. 
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Mummy keeps saying this to herself.  We would have still thought it's alright to have black slaves if that was the case. More resilience is not my excuse to stop the campaign we are planning to do. Mummy is not trying to 'clean' any language as another person commented. As you know Mummy is ambitious, but not that ambitious. Mummy is being prepared and it's a long way to reach what we want, but Mummy won't be satisfied until we do it. Another saying Mummy found recently was:

'It always seems impossible until its done.' Nelson Mandela

So we will keep going, Mummy will have to grow more thick skin not to ignore the situation but not to be wounded by unhelpful comments. Yes, why don't we grow more resilience towards cowardly comments?! 

Mummy is ranting a bit here, but Mummy's boy is there for Mummy. Do you know the interesting thing? Chinggis Khaan's birthday is the same as yours! Love you baby boy, Mummy's beautiful baby boy. XXXXXXX

A poem in Mongolian

Хүүгийн минь төрсөн өдөр 11 сарын 14. Энэ жил 3 нас хүрэх байлаа.

Талийгаач болсон хүнийг дурсдаггүй гэж нулимсийг минь ширгээнэ
Таг өөрийгөө барьчихвал тамаас ялгаа алгаа
Арван сар тээсэн үрээ авсанд оршуулснаа тодхон санана

Аргадаж намайг зөөллөхийг хүссэнээс алт мөнгийг би хүссэнгүй ээ

Сэвлэг үсийг нь үнэртэж энгэртээ наасан үр минь
Сэтгэл зүрхийг минь цочиртол хорвоогоос халиад явсаан
Сүүгээрээ амласан эх нь мөнхрүүлэхгүй юм бол
Сүм дуганд хичнээн мөргөөд яах юм бэ

Тийм ээ, миний хүү богино насалж
Тэнгэрийн элч шиг л ээждээ зурвас үлдээж
Тэмцэж босоод нэрийг нь ээж нь түүхэнд үлдээнэ
Тэрлэж, мэлмэрч, тэсч байж хүүдээ би очино

 

They say not to mention someone once they die

Then it'd be like in hell, suffocating

The day coffin replaced the baby basket

Dream turned into nightmare