Birthdays

Hallo Billy Buuz

Mummy hasn't written here for a bit, but we have been thinking of you and visiting the cemetery and lighting candles. Last 2 weeks, we had birthdays. Daddy's big 0 birthday was celebrated with friends and family at home. It was a nice occasion and we both visited the cemetery on the day before the party. Many children came too, they had their face painted and had balloon modelling, it was good fun. Your brother and sister helped preparing the party, too.

Then this week it was Mummy's birthday. Mummy was spoilt rotten with attention. Breakfast in bed, lunch with your Daddy and then your sister ran a bath with candles and she cooked, then Mummy went to her hypnobirthing class. This class is making a big difference in Mummy's head, making Mummy feel and think positive.

Saying that, Mummy feels the sun is never going to shine the same again. There is always you in Mummy's mind, missing you terribly. But you know I feel you all around. On Mummy's birthday, Mummy was just passing by a bakery and there was a cake decorated 'Happy Birthday, Billy'. I know it must have been done as a sample, but it looked like a message from you. Mummy was moved and emotional to see that. What a coincidence on Mummy's birthday! So you see, you are everywhere.

You are going to be a big brother soon, not sure when, but the next few weeks. We don't have a name for the baby yet. We'll see what she looks like.

I can hear your brother and sister playing in the other room. They are on holiday for a few days. So it's nice to have them home. They are big enough to let Mummy have a nap too :-).

Mummy remembers you having a bath. You were so calm and gazing at the lights and contented. You were a good boy. Mummy looks at children around your age and wonders how you would have looked at that age. They are 1 now and walking and trying to talk.

Ok, Billy Buuz, Mummy and Daddy's baby boy bye for now. We all love you very much. XXXXXXXXXXXX

Summer is here...

Hallo Billy Buuz, Mummy hasn't written here for a while. We are still going to the cemetery and lighting a candle for you every day. We miss and talk about you every day, too. Last week Mummy was in tears when we saw a week old baby girl with her parents and her brother at the school while picking up your brother. That little girl's brother is the same age as your brother and she had a sister who died and was buried in the same row as you. So Mummy was happy for that family to have a new baby, at the same time thought it would have been nice to have the other girl with them too. Very similar to our situation I guess. So mummy was hiding her face at the playground trying not to make any eye contacts as Mummy's tears raced down. If anyone looked and was about to ask if I was Ok, Mummy was replying: 'Sorry, I'm being silly. It's happy tears.'

Lately the weather has been fantastic and we are spending a lot of time outside in the garden. Mummy and Daddy bought a chiminea which you can kindle a fire in it. So last night, all four of us had our dinner and then your brother and sister warmed some marshmallows on sticks and enjoyed it.

Mummy's getting used to be asked now: Is it your first? - looking at Mummy's big bump. I'd say 'No, it's my fourth.' Then people start to ask how old you are and things. It depends on the person or the moment how Mummy answers them. Mummy's proud to talk about you. Mummy's baby boy. Mummy often thinks about your hands and feet. Then Mummy touches your Teddy's hands and feet. Your Teddy is above Mummy and daddy's bed, wearing your top and your name brace from the hospital.

Summer time is here and it's a shame you never had the chance to see what summer is like. Mummy's not going to go on now about you could have done and should have done. There are millions of things we didn't and couldn't do any more. But we will cherish what we had and remember the memories of you being with us.

Love you Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXXXXXX