A year after your death...

We remember organising your funeral this time last year. Mummy was lost emotionally, didn't know what to do. Mummy was in tears: I had enough of living on second hand things! And started sobbing. Jackie and your dad didn't know what to do. Poor things were grieving too. Then Jackie took me to TK Maxx and I bought very expensive cutlery and a food processor. Anything to help feel bit better, I guess.

Mummy is feeling emotional today. Seeing children in their prams, the sun is out, but Mummy miss you so much. Daddy put a big candle at the cemetery and Karen, Caroline, Jackie put nice flowers. We had a few people sent nice cards and little notes, too. We got a sky lantern too from your dad's friend!

Love you, Billy. Eej ni huudee hairtai shuu. Xxxxxxx

The brightest star in the sky

Mummy was busy all day today, painting the gate and the drain pipe and clearing out things. Mummy also tidied your sister's room with her. Your sister has done her own writing and drawings for you. Mummy didn't say anything about them, it was hurtful to see and read them. She even had made a beautiful Christmas card for you with real chocolate coins. She never showed any of us those things, it must be her way of dealing with things. Mummy is glad she is expressing herself that way, getting her feelings out.

It is a beautiful night tonight with clear sky and the moon is shining. Mummy thought of you shining bright in the sky, always with us. Mummy feels you everywhere. Mummy is not alone, with my babies.

The Mongolian New Year celebration went well. We had many friends around and had lots and lots of food. Your daddy put your food on his favourite china plates with Peter Rabbit. Normally we keep them in the display unit, but your Daddy put them out for you that day. So he was putting food there for you.

We are still going to the cemetery every day and lighting a candle for you. Your sister had made another nice flower arrangement and placed in the hand ornament. Auntie Susan and uncle Ian put a nice pot of flowers which are now blossoming. They put a lovely card for you, too. The flowers has a couple of elephant toys beside them and they have mirror decorations. They look pretty.

Mummy is keeping busy doing lots of things. Sometimes keeping myself busy is easier and helps. Mummy doesn't want to give in life, if it tests us we want to stand up to it, not give in. Mummy's little red headed boy, love you loads and you keep watching us and we'll keep you in our hearts. You are not dead, you are very much alive in spirit and your presence. Billy Buuz, baby boy. XXXXX

Tsagaan Sar - Mongolian New Year

Hallo Billy Buuz
Mummy is very emotional today just like the weather. It's windy, cold and wet. In Mongolia, our relatives are celebrating today with lots of food and drinks and visiting each other. Mummy hasn't missed this celebration since leaving Mongolia. But today, Mummy filled up because Mummy used to dream of taking her babies and show what it's like there and you are not here to do that. Mummy put a big candle on your grave and our garden. The wind kept blowing them off, but I managed to put them in shelter. Your brother and sister, and Daddy all doing fine, but we miss you. We'll have some friends around on Saturday to celebrate the new year. Mummy will make an effort to make people enjoy our company. It's almost a year since you died. February 24th. It was like Siberia here with lots of snow. I don't know what people say about 'Time helps.' It doesn't seem to help for me, anyway. Mummy's emotions are still raw. Mummy's writing the book and getting there slowly but surely. We will get there. Billy buuz, baby boy, big boy. You would have been walking by now, smiling by now, calling Mummy and Daddy and running towards us... Love you Billy, Mummy's best baby boy. XXXXXX