Emptiness

Hallo Billy. Mummy sat here for a while for the first time not sure how to start the blog post. It feels like writing a poem, perhaps in Mongolian, maybe in English. Mummy's thought went through the events of remembering you and sighing without knowing herself. Every time a toddler runs past Mummy remembers you. You should've been running round just like that. Maybe not. We didn't know how much the brain damage was going to affect you. Your brother still as always puts his sweeties infront of your photo. The other day we were in a shop and he grabbed a hat and wanted to buy it for you. Mummy had to say 'I know son, unfortunately Billy is not here to wear it.' Mummy quickly pushed Ella in her pram and walked away changing the subject. Just like that, you are with us. It's a nice feeling, but Mummy feels there is always something, someone, you... missing from everything...

It's a very windy winter this year. Not much snow, in fact we haven't seen any snow here at all. The year you were born, it had the most snow in years. Tough winter it was. Everywhere.

Mummy wants to do more on raising awareness of Down Syndrome and the term Mongol. Something to make people think and change attitude. It might just be a word for some, but it's a word that represents a lot.
Mummy started to teach Creative Writing to some people who experienced homelessness. One of them said: Oh, it's awful. How would we feel if they decide to call a cancer or something serious Scots or English as our nationalities.

Well, she has a point. We'll see. Mummy is thinking, writing, blogging, tweeting and of course living with our every day life. Ella is sleeping better at night, but she still wakes up at night. Do you know what?! Mummy does not mind. She is healthy, she is a baby. Mummy loves cuddling her, dancing with her from room to room, singing. Oh talking about singing, she is a loud one. She might become a singer, you know. She loves babbling aloud. Sometimes we can't hear each other because she is so loud. She's just happy, that's all.

Your big sister is in Paris on a school trip. How lucky is she?! She will be back in two days. You brother is already counting the days. She had left a lovely note in your brother's bed. So when he went to bed there it was waiting for him. They love each other, it's lovely. We know they have their moments, but hey who doesn't!

Mummy feels like something big is about to happen soon. Well, let's hope it does. Something good and big. Billy Buuz, night night red haired boy. Mummy wishes she could sniff your head one more time, just one more time. Your Teddy is still on our bed headboard. Mummy is not going to wash it ever, that top is the only thing we have you worn and left as it was. Who would've known you were going to eave us so soon? Night, baby. XXXXXX Love you.

2012 - A New Year

Hallo Billy Buuz

Christmas and New Year is almost over. We had a quiet Christmas. Just the five of us. Your sisters, brother, Daddy and Mummy. Daddy got you all your advent calendars. Yours was the one with reindeers and Santa. Ella's was the one with Peppa Pig. Your brother was good at making sure he shared yours. He would put some of his and yours in front of your photo and then he would eat them. So you had a row of chocolates of different shapes and sizes in front of your photo. We light candles beside your photos on the mantelpiece, too. Mummy is trying to enjoy your brother and sisters but we miss you very much. Today is the first of the new year and Mummy was feeling uneasy and teary. Mummy's Billy buuz will never come home doesn't matter how much we try to cope in different ways.

Mummy hopes that this new year will bring many good things. We might have a nice extension to the house and Daddy says we might name one of the rooms after you.

Also Mummy really wants the book published. So fingers crossed, baby boy. We will see.

Mummy is trying hard not to cry while writing this. Learning to hold her tears somehow, but not sure if it's healthy though. Your Daddy used to say 'Having fun?' in the early days. We both knew what he meant. Mummy would sit there behind the laptop with mountain of tissues and red eyes, sniffing. Now Mummy is busy with Ella and she makes Mummy smile a lot. Sometimes, it's unbelievable that she is here. Mummy feels like pinching herself to realise she is here and she is real. She looks like you so much, people comment on it. Her blonde hair with blue grey eyes compare to Mummy's oriental looks.

Once this woman on a train was looking at Mummy and then Ella, checking who is who. It was funny. Similar to you really. Mummy would turn up at hospital beside your bed and the nurses looked after you on the day wondered who Mummy was.

On Christmas day, Daddy and your brother went to your grave and put candles on and then Mummy and your big sister went and lit more candles. It was wild and windy. So Ella stayed at home, besides she had a bit of a cold. Mummy and Daddy feel we can't be the same any more. Any little cold or cough Mummy starts to think all sorts. Losing you made Mummy think human life is so so fragile.

Oh, great news to tell you is your Mongolian granny was awarded with a big award for her work. We are so impressed by this. Your granny deserves it. She always worked hard at teaching and working in the social and educational field in the country in Mongolia. She is writing a book too. Her book will be published very soon. See, your Mummy has a great role model. So 2012 should be a BOOK year for us.

Mummy's red haired angel, baby boy, beautiful boy. Love you so much. Nothing in the world would ever mend that broken holes in our hearts. Mummy will work on the mission you had and help many through writing. Goodnight, Billy. XXXXX