25 January, a year on...

It was a year ago, the hell door opened. We couldn't vesit your granny in a nursing home on her birthday. You were admitted to hospital for observation while your sister was in hospital getting her skin graft done. It was the day you got your medicine overdosed and went from bad to worse.

A year later today, you and your granny both in heaven and we miss you both dearly. Your daddy is away for work. In a way, it's better that way, so he is distracted and don't feel too upset. Mummy is not saying he wouldn't be, I'm sure he is. Hopefully different scene and different place make it little bit easier.
Mummy went to the cemetery first thing in the morning and put a little ladybird candle for you. Also your sister had made a beautiful flower arrangement, so I put that in the hand ornament that Lauraine and the nursery gave to you on your birthday. Mummy lit a candle in the garden for Granny. It was very windy but it worked the first time. Mummy prayed that it would work if she was watching us and it did. Happy birthday to Granny! and you look out for each other. Love you both loads. XXXX

Broken heart...

Hallo Billy Buuz. How's my baby? Mummy is going through a phase these couple of days. Miss you so so so much. I can see your red hair sticking up, your hands straightened because you were trying so hard feeding and sweating because you were trying too hard to have some milk. You loved your dummy, your little monkey would hold your dummy not letting it come off. You didn't like your medicine, pushing out with your tongue and making a disgusted face. Your eyes lit up when your Mongolian granny spoke well almost singing to you in Mongolian and your lips moved forward as if you wanted to talk to your granny.

Mummy's little red headed angel. We love you and we miss you. Mummy's tears racing down Mummy's face. Now, Mummy'll stop, it's not good for you to see Mummy cry and we don't want other people worry about us, do we. Bye for now, Billy Buuz. Losing you left a big hole inside Mummy, it will never be the same again. Nothing will be enough to fill it, but Mummy'll make sure you live on in people's minds, you will be a legend, clever boy. XXXXXX

New Year's day

Happy New Year, Billy Buuz! Wherever you are my little red headed angel, hope you have smiles and laughter. Mummy and daddy talk about you and think about you every day. Mummy remembered just after you died it was very hard. Everything reminded me of you, stopping at the traffic lights and observing mums pushing prams with their babies in them, picking up your brother from school and seeing ginger haired children running around; walking in the streets and seeing people with Downs or in a wheelchair. Mummy called the Downs Syndrome association and wanted to get involved. It's still hard to be dealing with people with Downs just now, still early days, but Mummy thought Mummy can make a difference and tell people what it's like to be a parent having a baby with a disability and how it needs to be dealt with.

So we'll see. This new year, Mummy's goal is to get an agent for the book and find someone to publish it. So there wer are Billy, Mummy's doing this then we can move on. This book is for you and your brother and sister and for others. See Billy, you made Mummy this brave and determined. Mummy will do it and you will be there with me all the way. My fairytale hero, tiny baby, clever boy.... Love you. I wish I could kiss you once again ..... XXXXX

Christmas Day

Hallo Billy Buuz. Mummy didn't write here for a while because your brother and sister were on holiday and home. Mummy cries when writing here and didn't want them to worry.

Yes, Chistmas was quiet and the four of us spent the day home and had Christmas lunch. Your seat was between Mummy and Daddy and you had your plates and all 4 courses of the meal. We put big candles for you on your grave and they lit all day and night for a few days. We still go to the cemetery every day. Though Mummy feels you here with me sometimes and don't go if that feels alright. Mummy hasn't written much recently either, the book is half way now, but Mummy'll carry on and finish the first draft. It will need editing and so on, but it's good to have a copy to work on than a blank paper.

Mummy did cry on Christmas morning missing you, hope nobody noticed because Mummy had a shower afterwards.

Last year, on Christmas day you were sleeping when your brother and sister opened their presents and then we opened yours when you woke up. We have a photo of you and me, Mummy holding you proudly and squeezing your face against mine. Mummy can be rough when Mummy shows her love to you all. Your brother and sister love that, because they know that's how Mummy shows her affection.

Billy Buuz, baby boy.Ok, Mummy'll continue later. Love you loads and loads. Our little star. XXXXX